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Would you rather…
perform your job duties by absentee ballot,
or
by legions of minions?
a) Shall the receptionist be greeted with “hello” or “good morning.” Vote for one.
b) It’s the flogging that motivates them.
Chad, can you come to my office?
– bob
Would you rather…
restore moisture to your inflamed sinuses by dunking your head in the Salton Sea,
or
convert your auto detailing business into a dancing soot removal service?
a) Blug, blug, blug, tilapia, blug
b) Call me! The Freaking Ashwipe!
Now the insides of my eyes itch…
– bob
Yeah, I said it.
You may have heard of a little conflagration in my neighborhood. Don’t take my word for it, ask Chief John Hawkins:
“This was a deliberately set arson fire,” John Hawkins, chief of the Riverside County Fire Department, said in a televised press briefing. “And a deliberately set arson fire in which someone is killed constitutes murder.”
I’ve gotta tell you that the local media coverage stinks to high heaven. The article via the AP from the San Jose Mercury News is tons better than, say, the freakin’ Riverside paper (except for the lack of photography). Hell, all of the local coverage has stunk it up in a big way. My folks are getting their news about this huge local event from CNN. My friends have been watching Fox News, Los Angeles stations, and for all I know the Toronto Daily News.
How’d I hear about it? Oh, my sister called to ask if I was okay. “Um, sure,” I replied. “Why do you ask?” She mentioned something about fire so I took a look at the mountain from the side lot at work. Yeah, holy crap.
I asked the boss if I could leave and promptly did. Here’s a shot from La Quinta on Highway 111 (only 555 away from being the devil’s highway, by the way).
What I discovered once I’d arrived back at The Lodge was that the fire had taken westerly turn, saving my little burg. The smoke is pretty heavy here, but I’ll take it.
That was awfully close.
Your pal,
– bob
Would you rather…
hire mental patients as the spokespeople in your political ad,
or
make claims against your opponent so outrageous your ad can only run on YouTube?
a) Aw, they’re just faking it…
b) Call Senator Smith and tell her to stop eating the livers of neighborhood pets!
If my opponent thinks that the American people will stand for this…
– bob
Would you rather…
sell the George Foreman Combo Fry Master 3000 with stainless steel grease trap and blue LED status indicators on NASA TV,
or
embark on a twelve hour flight in your first trimester after the TSA has confiscated all of your snacks?
a) Tested at up to 7g !
b) If I don’t see a bag of peanuts on my tray in the next thirty seconds…
In space, no one can hear you ask for seconds.
– bob
Would you rather…
have your dog suspended from Obedience School for Milk-Bone abuse,
or
attend the Kenny Rogers Institute of Disappearing Schmutz?
a) It’s not like he has them all the time…
b) Don’t take your grime to town.
He got them from his trainer!
– bob
Would you rather…
turn on the heat in your house only when your spouse allows it,
or
base every decision on how you read tea leaves?
a) C’mon honey, you don’t need ALL of your toes…
b) Who needs GPS? I’ve got Darjeeling!
And you thought you were cheap.
– bob
Would you rather…
exercise the Peace Through Barking Doctrine to keep raccoons out of your yard,
or
for security purposes ask everyone to remove their shoes before the big tap dance recital?
a) Ask not who digs in your trashcans…
b) [ ], [ ], [ ]
I don’t want the coffee grounds and kitchen scraps to, you know, proliferate.
– bob
Would you rather…
learn English from Nigerian spammers,
or
decry characterizations that you’re unstable by blowing something up?
a) Confirmation entrusting it gives.
b) How dare you call me crazy!
Okay, repeat after me…
– bob
Friends,
I’m sure I’ll get tired of this teevee thing at some point, but Monday Night Football, people! The Cardinals are beating the Bears by 20 for the next couple minutes, so it’s been a decent game so far.
There’s too much to do around The Lodge though, so maybe I should cut back a little (that’s insane! you just paid a million dollars to talk to satellite number 161 to get those damn puppets to dance in that glass box of yours. now you’re “cutting back?” you’re killing me. -ed Gee, you sound upset.). Maybe just a little less?
By the way folks, it’s sure chilly up here in my little alpine nirvana. Autumn was pretty quick! Fog? Check. This morning for instance, I could barely see the pickup a car-length ahead. That’s fairly scary in the dark. Um, especially when you’re traveling at a rate that might perhaps exceed those prudent for the conditions. Meep.
And there’s this—anybody know what kind of oil I should use in the 5-speed transmission in the mighty moderately balky ’96 Dodge Dakota? The owner’s manual says motor oil. The service manual says gear oil. I think at this point it might have both in it and those shifts are getting kinda crunchy, especially when it’s cold. Like today! You know the drill… send those pearls of lubrication wisdom to info [crazy ‘at’ symbol] bobtherieau [period] com. Okay please?
Thank you please.
– bob
Would you rather…
airlift emergency supplies of Spam Musubi to the big island,
or
forever forsake your Wessonality?
a) We fear that the daily caloric intake of the victims will fall dangerously below 10,000.
b) I’m taking a solemn vow of Extra Virginity!
Sir Bob Geldof on line seven…
– bob
Aw geez. The problem was that we block access to certain websites on company computers. The answer found by members of the staff who just happen to have master keys is that we don’t block access on computers available to the public.
What do the nightshift people do when they can’t get to a site from the machine on their desks? The go down to the computer lab. It’s simply not cricket!
Me: “We could just put a password on these local accounts so they can’t get in. It’ll be more work for you, since you’ll have to log them off each night and log them on in the morning…”
Them: “That’s fine. Let’s do it!”
Me: “Okay, pick a password. Anything will do, just make sure that you can remember it and the staff won’t be able to guess it.”
Them: “I don’t know. Can I use my kid’s names? Nah, not that. Anything? Even ‘hot sauce’?”
Me: “That’s great! Let’s use ‘hot sauce’ then!”
Them: “Are you sure? That doesn’t seem like a real password.”
The password isn’t “hot sauce,” you goon. It’s something else! A lot like that! Startlingly similar to that, in fact!
Your pal,
bob
Would you rather…
provide micro-credit loans to midget entrepreneurs,
or
dress up like Anderson Cooper for Halloween?
a) We’re taking the “Big n’ Tall” concept and turning it upside-down!
b) If you squeeze this bulb, tears shoot out…
Let’s see, five bucks at 22.75%, compounded monthly…
– bob
Aw, Snap!
Would you rather,..
discover your cat giving can-opener operation seminars to the other neighborhood cats,
or
your dog releasing rodents from traps around the house?
a) It’s just a matter of time before I’m obsolete.
b) You’re a misguided boy! Yes you are!
Honey! Where’d this bill for renting the VFW hall come from?
– bob
Um, Let Me Explain…
Would you rather…
provide tech support for Google’s Random Search Generator,
or
have to leave town in shame after uploading the last of your popular dancing cat videos?
a) Did you mean: “Abe Vigoda’s pants”?
b) Hey! Cats don’t have zippers!
I kinda hope you didn’t mean that.
– bob