cars – Page 2 – A Jaunty Little Blog

August 25, 2012

Somebody’s Trying To Tell You Something

A lovely centered picture of near devastation.

Friends,

It’s Friday and I know it should be a magical time where the paycheck faeries gently press their sugar-dusted lips to your filthy foreheads, grimy from the sweat and toil of a week picking at the wisps of salt veins down in the mines, but by the gods themselves, I must say that this particular day stunk to the ends of your earth and the next one as well. I’ll tell you how in a moment, but it’s important to note something that should be very obvious and might be casually missed. This writing exercise is largely about me, so what follows may seem self-centered, which is how this works. Stick with it though, because eventually it stops sounding like whinging and more like a weird string of happenstances coming together as an unsubtle note from the fates that my time working in the desert has come to an end.

Exhibit 1)

I had been listening to the On The Media podcast (which I encourage you to download and support) Thursday night and plopped the iPod into the clock radio. 0400 rolls around and the “Ayn Rand’s influence on the GOP” story is blaring. Hit the button to stop the alarm, proceed with the morning ritual.

Exhibit 2)

I check the Facebook app on my phone during breakfast. One of my coworkers Likes Mitt Romney’s page. “Damn,” through a milky bite, “And she was one of the good ones, too. I’ll miss her.” Like real zombies, she’s been infected and has self-identified as one of them. Data point. Moving on.

Exhibit 3)

The drive down the hill to work was as easy as any. Slowpokes pulled out right away, people dipped their high beams quickly and courteously, and the stoplights all the way to the Festival of Dirt were obligingly green. I take Highway 111 all the way across the valley because when it’s quick, it can be very quick and I had four minutes to make up. The timing is really working out and I’ve made up two of the four minutes when I see the flashing gumballs in the distance. Getting closer, the plume of smoke is evident and Indio Police have the highway blocked off. I take the detour, but what could be on fire? Starbucks? Game Stop? It’s hard to tell and I’ve lost three minutes. Now I’m on the hairy edge of being late.

Exhibit 4)

Arriving at work I have a minute to spare, so I rush around the building to my favorite shady parking space. The one now dominated by the fallen foliage in the photo at the top. The clicking in my head isn’t the normal clicking that always clicks (don’t ask. i think one of the gears has lost a tooth, but he’ll argue the point. – ed) but another click that starts analyzing all of the events of the morning. What’s the connection? What’s going on here?

Exhibit 5)

Logged on to the various computers in the office after clocking in successfully within the seven minute window, but the biometric time clock gives me a score of 90. Single-digit scores mean that it really believes that the picture it’s just taken of the back of my hand is really me. Higher scores mean that it’s not so sure. A score of 90 means that it’s giving me a pass, but stop being creepy, okay?

The Twitter feed starts buzzing (aw, c’mon. we’ve been through this. it’s twittering. – ed) with news about the fire. It’s this…

~~If you’ll notice the second business from the left,~~ it’s my favorite taco shop. The only one I know of in the valley that makes a decent potato taco.

…or used to. They’re all gone. The owner of the building promises to rebuild, but will the rents be too high for the previous tenants, as is often the case? I’m very sorry for their losses but the clicking continues.

Exhibit 6)

I had hoped that the teleconference that was scheduled for the late morning would include video so I could see who I was talking to in America’s Third or Fourth Finest City for Border Violence, but I got an email that they didn’t even have a phone. The solution was to put a cell phone on the center of the table in their meeting room and call me at my remote location. This made my blood sugar drop, so I ducked out to grab a late fast food breakfast. I’ve got fifteen minutes for my federally mandated fifteen minute break, so why not?

I pull in the parking lot and spy my coworker’s car. It’s unmistakable and I’m a little perplexed. This coworker should’ve arrived at the office hours ago, but the car is here. What gives? Then I see the windscreen sun shield pressed up against the passenger side door glass, impressions of hands from the interior to prevent my view inside. Fair enough! I back into the adjacent space, head into the joint and power down a greasy egg sandwich and box of orange juice (to prevent scurvy, as you do). Back out to the Jeep and the sun shield is hurriedly rearranged and mashed up to the window. What’s going on in there?

Exhibit 7)

Cell phone teleconference goes better than expected. I put my phone on mute and just listen, but send stupid jokes to my colleagues over SMS. No response.

Exhibit 8)

I violate my rule about working on coworker’s personal computers due to tears. Hers, not mine.

Exhibit 9)

I get my first speeding ticket in two years on the way home. My Jeep was clocked at 69 MPH heading up a hill with the A/C on in 4th gear while next to a car that was overtaking. If I was going 69 MPH in 4th gear, I would’ve had to rev the engine up to over 4,000 RPM, so I’m thinking that the Lidar was, once again, lying. If I can’t do traffic school, I’m going to contest this one.

So, in the words of the prophet, how was your day?

Your pal,

bob

August 7, 2012

The Most Joyous Night

A lovely centered picture of a lovely landing.

Friends,

I’m woozy. I stayed up way past my bed time to watch NASA drop the most expensive compact car on a planet 140 million miles away and I’m still trying to wrap my head around the feat. The landing of the Curiosity rover on Mars represents the triumph of screwy ideas that help me feel better about the dumb crap we all cook up every day…

Okay, so you’re going to enter orbit with a pie plate on top of a saucer that you need to steer. How about putting a bunch of weights on one end, then spinning the thing around so the wobbly end shifts from side to side, like a wakeboard on the atmosphere?
Rockets are cool and everything, but we’ve gotta slow down. I know! How about the biggest damn parachute ever?
Man, that heat shield is still pretty hot. Too hot for cameras, but we need to see the ground. Blow the bottom off with explosives and let the rover look at stuff!
Crap! Still too fast! Now how about some rockets? Throw the whole pie tin away and fly the rover with a rocket pack on its back!
Rockets? They’re gonna leave an awful lot of mess around. How about dropping the rover from the rockets on cables? (And by the way, I will be peppering my daily speech with, “initiating Sky Crane maneuver” from now on.)
Rover’s on the ground, so that’s nice, but won’t the rocket pack crash down on the thing? Nope! We’re going to sever the cables with explosives! Then we’re going to crash the rocket pack over there. Where? Oh, you know, over there. Safely over there.

And there you have it. Exquisite madness to gently drop a ton of car on another planet. I believe it was Archimedes who said, “Give me a lever long enough and I can move a mountain, give me a big box of explosives and I’ll put a robot on Mars.” Here’s to the lunatics at JPL for a job well done.

Your pal,

– bob

P.S. Next, let’s talk about the implications for us here on this planet if Curiosity finds life on that other planet. Should be fun!

June 27, 2012

Let’s Go Racing!

A lovely centered picture of a race car.

Friends,

I think it’d be fun for us to all go out and race old cars against each other. I’ll take this one.

Choose wisely, my friend.

– bob

June 25, 2012

It’s Time To Talk About Saabs

A lovely centered picture of the last Saabs ever.

Friends,

I know you’re not a complete loon, but I just thought I’d mention that the very last Saabs imported into the United States are going up for auction at their respective ports of entry. Here’s your last chance to own a marginally weird near-luxury car from a defunct Swedish marque before they’re all gone. Considering the potential for massive discounts, would you take a chance? Remember, no warranty, no parts, no dealers, and no service except from Sven around the corner.

Now how much would you pay?

– bob

June 13, 2012

Abraham Lincoln, Treadwear Killer

Friends,

You can’t see the top of Abe’s head yet, but I need new tires on my seven month old Jeep. Seventeen thousand miles seems to be not a lot, does it?

By the way, seventeen-inch wheels need some expensive tires. Hundred and seventy bucks? Cripes. Maybe I can get the Goodyear Wrangler SR-As prorated, eh?

Guh.

– bob

June 7, 2012

Terrified

A lovely centered picture that's surely a fair use of another picture.

Friends,

The roads to my house are really highways. Not huge highways, but the speed limits are 55 MPH until you reach the center of my teensy and astoundingly quaint village.

But I’ve heard that because these highways have curves, drivers become “terrified.” Here in our Secret Alpine Laboratory, we have studied this phenomenon at great length and have discovered that each of our subjects, when they reach a condition we’re calling hodophobia gravitas, that they all slow down to precisely 42 MPH. Why?

Here’s one possible answer:

42 (forty-two) is the natural number immediately following 41 and directly preceding 43. The number has received considerable attention in popular culture as a result of its central appearance in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy as the “Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything”. The Question to the answer is: “How many roads must a man walk down.”

Or fall off of.

– bob

January 11, 2012

Two Sentences From A Press Release – I’m Not Falling For It Edition

The Little Jaunty Booth Babes
– Proudly Present –
– A Branding Exercise –
– That May Be Overly Precious –
– And Makes Very Little Sense Upon Reflection –

It’s Two Sentences From A Press Release!

“Similar to the Dodge Dart of the late 1960s, the 2013 Dart offers a special blend of style, performance and innovation. The Dodge brand leveraged its nearly 100-year history of passion for building high-quality, innovative vehicles that stand apart in performance and style, as well as from its partner Fiat’s global compact car expertise, to develop the all-new Dodge Dart.”

Very similar!

November 21, 2011

Now The Circle Is Complete

Friends,

I’m happy to announce that I’m now the proud owner of a 2012 Jeep Wrangler. What you may not know is that I travelled to the future to get it, and good gravy, people, it’s full of THE FUTURE! Gizmos and tricks abound in the thing, which is not really what you’d expect from a Jeep.

What led me to make such a reckless gamble on the health of my own personal economy? I carefully considered my options and came to the realization that the Grand Livingroom needs extensive and expensive repairs, the Mighty Jeepster would not be the best way to drive 100 miles a day, and the teensy racecar (may Marco’s dad have mercy on her soul) is absolutely no good in the snow. Did I mention that we’re getting snow right away? And ice. And ice and snow.

Mostly, though, I haven’t bought a new car since 1988 and I think that I would like to have a vehicle that I can work on when I want to rather than when I have to. That, and I was driving like a tremendous knucklehead in said racecar, and I think it was making me into a bad person. The type of reckless and angry person that I really don’t care for. It was the kind of car you get to drive fast and hard, but this isn’t a place for that sort of thing, I’ve come to realize, so my greatest challenge has been to settle into the slow and dull pace that everyone else here has adopted. The driving dynamics of the Wrangler reward slow, as does the free satellite radio, so I’ll just turn on the blues channel and take it easy from here on. I also thought that remaining alive might be a good idea, so getting rid of the sports car also made sense for obvious reasons.

But the interior of the new Jeep is also a nicer place to be, considering that it’s from the future. It has an air conditioner and a heater, after all. This is quite a luxury considering the other vehicles in the Damp Dog Lodge fleet. It even has a radio that plays radio stations and magically connects to a cellular phone as well as a satellite that’s full of music. You can talk to it and it talks back. And it has six gears in its transmission that you can select yourself. That’s two more than certain other Jeeps around here…

Once Spring comes, I can get to work on the Grand’s engine problems, then bid her a tearful farewell. She’s been a life saver for many years, but somebody with more time and patience should take on her challenges going forward. I suspect that the price will be very reasonable.

I’ll let you know how scary a short-wheelbase and slab-sided vehicle can be once something crops up, but I’m really pleased at the moment. Maybe it’s the new car smell.

Your pal,

bob

September 2, 2011

Wankel? No Ma’am, I’m Just Looking

It is beautiful. Like a sunset filled with gorgeous sadness.

Friends,

News that Mazda has killed the slow-selling RX-8 means only one thing—that the rotary engine will cease to be in production in any of their production vehicles for the first time since the late 60s. They’re pretty cheap right now as dealers try to clear their remaining inventory, and I’m thinking that I need a weird four door sports car with a thirsty and smoggy engine at this moment, but a good night’s sleep should cure that.

I’ve always been fascinated with the engine that goes “hmmmmmmm,” but not so fascinated to dive into the world of massive oil consumption and blown apex seals. That’s not to say I couldn’t, just that I shouldn’t.

Right?

– bob

P.S. If you know somebody who has a Rotary Pickup in decent shape, let’s talk.

July 7, 2011

And Then July Happened

Friends,

Well, where did we leave off? Oh yeah, I had half a job, my teensy racecar was overheating, and my family was itching to descend on the Damp Dog Lodge for the Fourth of July festivities here in America’s Cleanest Forest. How’d all that turn out? I might as well tell you about that stuff, but I’m saving the big announcement for tomorrow. It’s as close as you can get to exciting without crossing over that line. Think of it like having home made strawberry ice cream, only to find out that the chunks of fruit had frozen into blocks of ice. Let’s go!

The radiator problem in the tiny racecar was solved by installing a new one, but not just any one would do. Oh no. I had to get a shiny new extra capacity Koyo aluminum radiator from the good people at Good-Win Racing. While much more expensive than a stock replacement, it holds more coolant and is much shinier. It’s kinda neat to be able to run the air conditioning down in the desert without the thing boiling over. Trust me on this. It’s also shinier.

I was concerned, given the now proven to be wildly inaccurate weather predictions, that it’d be an unreasonably hot weekend for my guests so I bought an inflatable kiddie pool and water guns so that they could cool down a bit. I needn’t have worried since monsoonal cloud cover rolled in and made Sunday and Monday an absolute treat.

The only times tempers really flared was when somebody achieved more treats than somebody else. Minor slights, easily handled by bringing out more treats. The kitchen overflowed this weekend, presumably because my siblings thought that we all might go hungry and brought bags and boxes and coolers full of provisions.

Naturally, we all went to the Idyllwild Fourth of July Parade. It’s a tradition, an event and a spectacle all rolled up into one.

Some of us came for that spectacle. Some were excited about the entrants in the parade flinging candy at the crowd. Some just came to have a good time.

Some came to see men with dogs in their trousers riding motorcycles.

There are those of us who don’t think it’s a proper parade unless the UC Riverside Pipe and Drum Band passes by. They stopped in front of us to finish the song they’d started 100-feet away and it was a real treat. There’s video of some of their performance, but it’s on Facebook and I don’t know if you’ll be able to see it. Let me know and I’ll see if I can get it somewhere else.

Then there was a Jeepster, which are as rare as hen’s teeth. Then another.

At the very end of the parade, the party fire truck. These folks were tearing all over the hill with sirens blaring, bells clanging and what sounded like wasted co-eds whooping all weekend. My folks were annoyed. I was entertained. If you had an antique fire truck with seating for twenty, what you you do?

I thought so.

Big announcement tomorrow! I hope you can still get to sleep.

Your pal,

– bob

June 20, 2011

Pollen: The Photo Series That Killed My Camera

It's like it's going fast, or something.

Friends,

I haven’t driven the teensy tiny racecar in a few days and it has sat outside waiting for another trip to the Festival of Dirt. Also during this lovely springtime period, the local forest has been blowing its bits all over the neighborhood to encourage the propagation of little forests. You can tell which cars carry locals, for instance, by the greenish-yellow pollen dusting their windows and wherever any amount of crud has accumulated. Crud is my middle name since I don’t wash the cars very regularly (there’s only a finite amount of water up here, you know) and the pollen adhesion has taken on patterns formed by weeks old grime that I found kinda interesting.

I liked this shot for the swoop under the mirror. It’s almost like nature is dusting for prints of when I was speeding. Not that I would ever do that of course, but the forest is perfectly within its rights to investigate a hunch.

Then there’s the hood. Either the aerodynamics over the hood are nuts or this is completely random and makes no sense whatsoever. I’ll take both.

Then I was attacked by a swarm of mosquitos that came from nowhere down in the driveway, which prompted my frenzied swatting. The front of the lens of my camera flew off, as did some of the little shutter vanes and when I turned the camera off, the lens jammed and now it won’t restart. This stinks. Especially considering that my favorite camera holiday on the Fourth of next month is rapidly approaching. Cross your fingers that Canon can finish the repair in a week, like they say they can.

Your pal,

– bob