Category: humblebrag

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A Small Confession

Friends,

I’m using the Olivetti Lettera 36, an electric typewriter from the past that feels like it was intended to predict the future, to write this thing. It’s Italian, but I don’t think that has anything to do with my current problem: How do you make an exclamation mark on this thing? I’ve figured out how to make an apostrophe by rolling up the platen half a line and type a comma. I’ve even figured out that the lowercase “L” is a good substitute for the number one. The problem with this typewriter, as with many others, is that there’s no one key. On this machine, that’s been taken up by the “Keyboard Release” key. I think this machine has a problem with keys jamming in the basket and you need a special key to unjam the jam that they clearly considered to be inevitable.

I can’t say that I blame them. I find that as I grow more comfortable I with the machine, I’m coming perilously close to jamming it myself. Or it’s full of gunk, or rust. Also, let’s be honest, this thing is fairly loud. I’m concerned that the obsolete plastic gears or elderly drive belts are going to give up in short order. We’ll see…

Your best pal,

– bob

UPDATE: I just had to use the Keyboard Release button. I’m not sure exactly what I did to jam the keys, but the Release key did the trick. Super weird. Also, I could still use some help making the exclamation mark.

ANOTHER UPDATE: It looks like there’s a simple solution. Lowercase L for the number one. That was easy. For the exclamation mark, shift+8 for an apostrophe, and continue holding down the shift key, then hit period to stack the characters without advancing the carriage. I must’ve slept through typing class on this one. Amazing! Or, you know, amazing!

AN ADDITIONAL OTHER UPDATE: This post is part of The Typewriter Project. A post nearly every day on a typewriter, then scanned and posted here.

a_small_confession.pdf

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Potato

Friends,

I’m not supposed to have potatoes. When I was first diagnosed with a faulty pancreas, my Dad was distraught. “I hoped you wouldn’t get this,” he said on the phone when I told him the news years ago. Understandable, since his father lost a leg and passed away far too young due to its complications.

My Dad offered this dietary advice back then: “don’t eat white things.” Like what? “Potatoes and rice are the big ones. Bread is the other one. Stay away from them and you should be in good shape.” Good thing he was talking about the common white things and not hominy and tripe because I was already avoiding those things like I avoid maskless crowds in the deli section at Albertson’s.

Unfortunately, I really enjoy the common white foods. Add thyme, shallots, cream, and gruyère and I’m all in. Hip deep. Even if it takes two hours to prepare.

My blood sugar is going to be a disaster.

I hope you’re doing well.

Your best pal,

– bob

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Filling In The Blanks – Signs Of Affection Edition

Friends,

It’s been a little over a year since I got married again. We survived the Wedding Industrial Complex which surprised me, and we came out the other side a happy couple, which surprised exactly no one.

We’re doing other things too, like writing wills and redoing life insurance riders and mingling finances. We’ve even revisited the year-old frozen cake topper with no ill effects. After half a century on this rock spinning around an enormous fireball, I guess it’s about damn time to grow up.

Your pal,

– bob

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We Get Letters!

IMG 1699

Friends,

We get a lot of interesting email here at the Secret Alpine Laboratory, and frankly, a lot of the unsolicited email seems a bit off the mark. I’m sure you’ve seen all manner of come-ons from deposed African princes, for herbal remedies and gadgets claiming to cure all sorts of ailments. This note, however, seems to know all about me—based on exhaustive research!

Dear bob@bobtherieau.com,

I am pleased to inform you that based on your professional background, you have been selected to apply for inclusion into the Worldwide Association of Female Professionals. Our research department nominates a handful of potential candidates based on factors such as your current professional standing, recent accomplishments, honors/awards, published articles, as well as information present on authoritative media outlets, social networks, and professional directories. Based on this, I feel that you would make a fitting addition to our elite network of professional women…

What a lovely honor!

Your pal,

– bob

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Wait! Come back!

A lovely centered picture of a girly dog spying something very interesting and smelly.

Friends,

I’ve hit my head very hard this evening on the kitchen cabinetry and I’ve surely earned a concussion for the effort. There’s every reason to believe that I’ll be fine, but I’m a little worried that the dizziness and confusion I’m experiencing at the moment signal something much more than a little bump on the noggin.

But that’s boring, so let’s get on with a little housekeeping!

Since I last uploaded something here over a month ago, we’ve had two fire scares. One that prompted the mobilization of over three thousand men and women to beat down the furious blaze that eventually consumed over 27,000 acres, and a smaller one today that was put out fairly quickly through our own corps and the quick attention of neighbors in Fern Valley. In the words of internationally noted photographer Jenny Kirchner on Facebook, “Yard abatement is important.” Indeed it is.

I don’t really have a headache exactly. Truth is, my head feels mostly okay. There’s going to be a bump for sure, but the biggest worry is that I don’t really have a good idea where I am right now. Well, never mind that. On with it…

During the Mountain Fire, I evacuated myself, papers, photographs, and Mme. Puppy Dog to the desert. From our emergency evacuation center in Cathedral City (whose city council has never met a boondoggle it wouldn’t agree to fund in full), we could watch the flames charging along the ridge towards the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway’s Mountain Station. Horrifying. I took pictures, but they’re kind of terrible camera phone shots not worth posting. This one is nicer.

A lovely centered picture of a meadow.

Let’s see, what else happened? I got a new boss at the Far Eastern Outpost of a charity from out west somewhere in a city with a mayor. You know, that mayor. Mayor Headlock, they’re calling him. “Mayor Fingers” is creepier, so I’ll stick with that, since all signs point to him being really creepy.

Sorry, a little confused at the moment. I should get back on topic. Crickets are interesting, aren’t they? 78 degrees in the house, shouldn’t be sweating. Sweating might be bad.

I started installing a new french door on the weekend before guests were to arrive a couple weekends ago. Here’s a tip, all of the locksets you can buy at the hardware store have a defined offset. The offset is the distance between the edge of the door and the center of the lock and most are between 2 3/8 and 2 5/8-inches. You can get shorter deadbolts if you trim down the side of your door to be a lot narrower, but they’re blindingly expensive. You are hereby warned.

Very sleepy all of the sudden. Goodnight everyone.

Your pal,

– bob

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Seven Seconds of Fame

Friends,

I was challenged at a meeting a couple weeks ago by the idea that I didn’t have a lot of experience with the media. Still don’t, but I took on the spokesman duties for a little event put on by the Far Eastern outpost of San Diego’s Omnipresent Charitable Organization. Didn’t get a mention in the lower third in the video package above, but neither did the county supervisor who wrote a big check, so I’m not too disturbed by the snub.

With this appearance, I’ve been in a few minutes of teevee interviews and seven seconds or so of airtime. Total. Ever. Okay, there was that time sitting in the audience at Bozo’s Circus in the old KMIR studios…

Your pal,

– bob

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Thirty Days of Posts – The Thirtieth!

A lovely centered picture of a number.

Friends,

Our experiment in consistency has been a measured success. Because I’m posting in two places, both here and at the other site, traffic is coming from different places, so it’s not easy to see who’s coming from where. A little less than a third of the visitors to the Blogspot version have come from Russia though, so hello Russia!

And thanks to all of you Americans who stopped by this month. How’d I do? Would you care for me to keep this up?

Your comments are always welcome.

Your pal,

– bob

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It’s Time To Talk About My Noisy Neighbors



Friends,

My neighbors invited some nice people to entertain their guests this evening. It’s a pleasant summer evening, so they decided to move their very raucous party out to the deck and I couldn’t be happier.

Let’s agree to please keep this up all summer.

Your pal,

– bob

P.S. I might be late for work tomorrow.

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We’re Making People Pay Attention To Your Stuff!

A lovely centered picture of an advert I wrote with a concept I conceived.

Friends,

As much as I’m willing to hold out hope for this lousy economy, it still stinks to high heaven. Companies are afraid to invest in new employees and equipment anticipating another downward spike. Governments are shedding workers like your grandpa lets loose dried out epidermis on his collar. It’s rough out there and any gains are out on the distant horizon. What’s a savvy entrepreneur like yourself to do?

Well, you could wail and rend your garments, and while people will be interested in what you look like without garments, the wailing is a little off-putting. It might be better, if I may make the suggestion, to hire my supremely talented friend Sue Eigenbrodt and myself to create print and online media for your burgeoning concern. Our rates are very reasonable, we walk you through every step of the process and if we don’t get you to laugh during one of our concept meetings, we will send you a free pie.

I think this will be the only advertisement during my Thirty Days of Posts, so do please send me a note if you’re interested in improving your bottom line, having fun while doing it, and not receiving a pie.

Thanks for checking in. Tomorrow I’ll return to our regularly scheduled nonsense.

Your pal,

– bob

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We’re Building A Playground! – Part 2

A lovely centered picture showing a much more complete playground.

Friends,

By the time I made it back to the Idyllwild Playground this morning to continue work, I found that all but the finishing touches were complete. Local artists painted wildlife scenes on thick plastic panels that were mounted throughout the structure, but frames! The paintings need frames!

So my little group made picture frames out of 2-by-8 boards. The captain didn’t use the word, but his instructions were clear—whimsy, employ plenty of whimsy.

Can do! And did.

Your pal,

– bob

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Smoulder!

Your ticket to learn.
Friends,

Good news from CalFire and the Forest Service. I’ll let them tell you themselves in their typically triumphant tone…

Update 8:00 p.m. – Fire is 100% contained. Full control expected by 8:00 a.m. on 6/10/2012.

Settle down, fellas.

– bob