I’m Not Doomed



Friends,

I was working on the computers in the kiddos department at the Far Eastern Outpost of San Diego’s Kinda Meh Charitable Organization today on “staff development day.” Staff development day means that, I suppose, staff members hear about legal stuff and reporting stuff and take notes in another room—without kiddos.

This also meant that I could try to figure out a vexing problem with two machines and watch progress bars slowly progress. For this exercise, playing the studio version of the song embedded above seemed more than appropriate considering that the lack-of-progress bars had induced a near trance state. I don’t know why I bothered to look at the bookshelf to my left in classroom 3…

A lovely centered establishing shot.

Upon focusing in on a book that drew my attention…

A lovely centered joke payoff.

…I figured that everything might be okay. Somehow.

Your pal,

– bob

Additional Visual Gag Alert: We label things in the classroom to help kiddos with their language skills and to help them grasp big concepts…

A lovely centered setup.

I had some time on my hands, as I’ve mentioned, so I thought I’d help with some additional language cues.

A lovely centered punchline. Zooming in will help.

For the children.

A Hot Rodder’s Lament: Rebel Without An API Edition

A lovely centered picture of a coffee mug.

Friends,

I’ll cede the argument that modern cars are cleaner and more efficient than they’ve ever been. Sure, there have been many marques through our history that have been stingy with a gallon of gas, and some that have produced fewer emissions, but the entire fleet currently on sale beats those outliers by every measure. Why? We asked the robots to help out and they’ve agreed.

Is this a problem? Of course it is. And it isn’t, or at least wouldn’t be, if lawyers weren’t involved. Here’s a short example:

Back in the olden times of a decade or so ago, when you wanted electricity to light a spark plug to cause an explosion in an engine’s cylinder, you’d rely on a spinning top called a distributor.

A lovely left-aligned picture of a sparky gizmo.

Through a gear meshed with the camshaft, a shaft spins a piece of metal that makes contact with a post that sends electricity to a wire leading to a spark plug. It’s simple until you start thinking about how an engine in a car is used. As engines speed up and slow down, you want the spark to occur earlier or later, so maybe you add weights to the spinning top that move a plate forward a bit when the engine spins faster. This is lovely and elegant, you think. But you don’t want that advancement to go too far or else the spark comes too soon—even before the cylinder is full of the fuel mixture. Detonation, knocking and other badness ensues. How do you control the advance?

Specially tuned tiny springs.

Hold on, there’s more alchemy. When you mash the gas pedal to the floor (How quaint! More on that in a sec.) in your Curved Dash Oldsmobile, engine vacuum drops and if you send that signal to a vacuum motor attached to that plate, you can further advance the spark timing to catch up.

With me so far? Sucking and springs and centrifugal forces are changing when the spark is happening. Archaic with a capital arc. (I crack myself up sometimes.)

So what’s changed? Sure, computers, but what’s really changed has been the quality and number of sensors in a modern engine. An engine management computer cannot only know vacuum, and engine speed, but also atmospheric temperature and pressure, overall system voltage, throttle position at the throttle pedal, fuel quality, and a lot more.

A lovely right-aligned picture of sparky bits.

What this means, simply, is that you can throw away distributors and let the computer tell individual plugs exactly (well, sort of exactly, hold on) when to fire. You put high-tension ignition coils directly on top of the plugs and the computer just turns them on and off. Easy, right? The computer can look at all the inputs, decide what’s going on and how much power is needed, and let ‘er burn.

But it’s not that easy.

For instance, you could theoretically make more power with more spark advance over a longer period of time, but the implications are many. For instance, if your, ahem, 285 horsepower engine could make 305 horsepower or more with a simple software change from the manufacturer, will your insurance rates go up? Is that too hot for the engine block over time, increasing warranty repair costs? When the home mechanic could change a couple springs and gain power, the manufacturers aren’t on the hook.

Here’s where this gets weird.

Original Equipment Manufacturers (OEMs, if you will) don’t release the code that drives engine management computers. Some don’t even release service manuals to the public. What this means is that backyard mechanics, hot rodders, and aftermarket equipment manufacturers are left to make educated guesses about how the engines in the vehicles they’ve purchased actually work. What signals come from where to make which thing work the way it does? After all, your gas pedal isn’t connected to the engine anymore. It’s just another sensor, but this one measures the angle of your ankle to represent how fast you think you want to go. If I want to make a widget that adjusts the power my engine produces and make an incorrect guess at how this affects all of the other systems, I guess this makes me that much more liable for my error, but wouldn’t it be much better if I got it right the first time? More later…

Your pal,

– bob

The Most Joyous Night

A lovely centered picture of a lovely landing.

Friends,

I’m woozy. I stayed up way past my bed time to watch NASA drop the most expensive compact car on a planet 140 million miles away and I’m still trying to wrap my head around the feat. The landing of the Curiosity rover on Mars represents the triumph of screwy ideas that help me feel better about the dumb crap we all cook up every day…

  • Okay, so you’re going to enter orbit with a pie plate on top of a saucer that you need to steer. How about putting a bunch of weights on one end, then spinning the thing around so the wobbly end shifts from side to side, like a wakeboard on the atmosphere?
  • Rockets are cool and everything, but we’ve gotta slow down. I know! How about the biggest damn parachute ever?
  • Man, that heat shield is still pretty hot. Too hot for cameras, but we need to see the ground. Blow the bottom off with explosives and let the rover look at stuff!
  • Crap! Still too fast! Now how about some rockets? Throw the whole pie tin away and fly the rover with a rocket pack on its back!
  • Rockets? They’re gonna leave an awful lot of mess around. How about dropping the rover from the rockets on cables? (And by the way, I will be peppering my daily speech with, “initiating Sky Crane maneuver” from now on.)
  • Rover’s on the ground, so that’s nice, but won’t the rocket pack crash down on the thing? Nope! We’re going to sever the cables with explosives! Then we’re going to crash the rocket pack over there. Where? Oh, you know, over there. Safely over there.

And there you have it. Exquisite madness to gently drop a ton of car on another planet. I believe it was Archimedes who said, “Give me a lever long enough and I can move a mountain, give me a big box of explosives and I’ll put a robot on Mars.” Here’s to the lunatics at JPL for a job well done.

Your pal,

– bob

P.S. Next, let’s talk about the implications for us here on this planet if Curiosity finds life on that other planet. Should be fun!

Happy Anniversary, Apollo XI

A lovely centered picture of a very nice lunar lander.

Friends,

Forty-three years ago, I got to stay up late to watch Uncle Walter Cronkite and Captain Wally Schirra hold their breath while the Apollo XI mission landed on the moon. They spoke in a nervous staccato to cover over the tension that July evening, but when word came that the landing was successful and they wiped the tears from their eyes, even a three year old could figure out that this was a very big deal.

Here’s a spliced-together version of footage of the landing from multiple sources that’s pretty great…

Apollo 11 Lunar Landing from Spacecraft Films on Vimeo.

…but click here to see what CBS News was actually able to send out that night, complete with models on sticks and dioramas recreating what they thought was happening. The embedded video above shows that events were much more dangerous than anybody let on at the time, but they were too busy not crashing to explain it to the rest of us at the moment.

There’s been a little gap between our first exploration of the moon and getting the base constructed there, as you know. After all, we’re going to need a jumping-off point to Mars and you can’t beat the neighborhood. Is it because they’re still looking for a really good architect?

– bob

Download This!

A lovely centered picture of a copyrighted icon thingy.

Friends,

If you enjoy podcasts, hate having to sync with a wire before you head out the door, and have an Apple iOS device, get Podcasts from the iTunes App Store. Browse episode lists and stream your selections on the fly. Stop cussing the wire.

And here’s a fun tip: start a podcast, then tap on the album art to expose a reel-to-reel deck with additional controls. Skeuomorphic!

I’m almost excited enough about this app to use it!

Almost.

– bob

We’re Cutting The Cable To A Satellite!

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Friends,

I’ve been threatening to get rid of the absurd fees charged by my satellite television programming provider for a very long time now. Some event, though, has cropped up to stand in the way. Think Beijing Olympics. Think Superbowl. Think college football.

Now, with not much going on, I’m back on the idea of getting rid of this dumb standard definition box, so I’m researching antenna options for over the air broadcasts for some sort of connectivity. At this point, you might think that I’m a fool for trying to pick up local broadcast television and you may be exactly right since local news is roundly the worst. For instance, we had three wildfires raging around my bucolic alpine haven yesterday, but the lead on all of the Los Angeles news stations was about a guy who drowned in his pool and reactions from the public and G-list celebrities to this fellow’s passing, but I digress.

When the Federal Communications Commission decided that analog broadcasts needed to die in favor of digital, they assured us that the broadcast signal strength and reach wouldn’t be affected. Click this link to go to their signal map site and put our Zip Code, 92549, into the search box. (SPOILER: zero results)

So no amount of antenna with no amount of amplification will receive absolutely no stations whatsoever, according to the new map. I used to get a half dozen analog stations.

Can I get season 5 of The Bachelorette online?

Asking for a friend.

– bob

The U.N. Security Council Considers A Strongly Worded Communique

Friends,

This may be the most terrible thing that has ever happened in the history of horrible things. Yeah, that’s right, Bobtherieau.com is down.

I know! It’s pretty tragic.

Your pal,

– bob

P.S. I mean, where are you going to get your pictures of sad clowns and precious artsy photos of British sports cars?

UPDATE: The site’s back up again! Hooray! All is right again with the world!

Apple Widget Day!

A lovely centered picture about high technology.

Friends,

Apple’s World Wide Developer Conference keynote was today and things were announced! What sort of things? Operating systems and updates to other things. This is the glorious time of year when tech reporters working for wire services and television network news breathlessly try to explain these things to the general buying public who may not understand what it means or they may just get it completely wrong. This also means that I’ll be asked, by people at work, what this means to them.

It happens every year in the exact same way, but this year I was too busy to watch the keynote myself. I may not have answers because of this and my inquisitors will be disappointed.

Maybe I should make stuff up.

“If you upgrade to Mountain Ocelot, you’ll be able to tell Siri to emit a high-pitched squeal that will kill the slugs in your garden—if you buy the special Thunderbolt speakers…”

Your suggestions for made-up Apple tech are always welcome.

– bob

I’m So Sorry

A lovely centered picture of Penney the puppy dog.

Friends,

I may have killed your computer.

Things seem to have gone horribly wrong at bobtherieau.com and our home site has been used since August to peddle bad juju to you, our glorious and good-looking readers. Some evil chump had taken it upon herself (see what I did there? I mixed up your expectations of the gender of hackers, didn’t I? now look at yourself. go on. look.) to glom onto the friendly shoal on these internets where you can find the rest of my stuff to send you bad things. That’s the simple version, but for you, I hope you learn from my mistakes:

  • Don’t use public WiFi to fetch your mail from a computer or a smartphone because your passwords tend to be sent in the clear, without encryption.
  • This is especially true if your email user name and password are the same as your site admin user name and password (or even close).

Everything seems to be fine now that we’ve changed servers, passwords, user names, likes, dislikes, aftershave, everything. Well, everything but the goodness that you can expect every single day here.

And again, we’re really sorry that once again you’ve had to go to Best Buy and ask some geek to explain why your peecee is running really slowly. Maybe it’ll be better next Thanksgiving.

Your pal,

– bob

Goodnight, Steven P. Jobs

business solutions from apple.

Friends,

Mister Jobs, referred to here over time as His Steveness, has succumbed today to the pancreatic cancer he has battled for several years. There are those out in the crabby public who would say that his legacy isn’t so much that he invented anything, but that he created an environment at Apple where his employees might innovate. I disagree.

Steve Jobs invented the idea that an entire company can create a global environment where people everywhere might innovate. That’s very different.

Godspeed, sir.

– bob

Well, That Took Long Enough

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Friends,

News has come down today that newish Hewlett-Packard CEO Leo Apotheker, in a financial call today, killed the company’s PC and mobile device business (not the calculators! Nooooo!) in favor of their server, software and services business. This, dear readers—even though I’m not at all bitter—comes a little late, don’t you think? Carly’s purchase of Compaq ten years ago cast my life and the lives of my dear friends into a wee little bit of turmoil, so only now I can sit back here in my Secret Alpine Laboratory and gloat a little. But only a little.

I’ve spent the day thinking about how the timeline was damaged by the HP/Compaq merger. We’ve all figured out how to deal with it in the ensuing decade, but what could we have done together if we’d been allowed to continue on an unperturbed path? It’s a fun thought experiment.

Not that I’m bitter,

– bob

An Ad Agency Buys A Handheld Radio Manufacturer

 

Friends,

News came out this morning that Google is buying Motorola Mobility (the smartphone arm of Motorola) for twelve and a half billion dollars. That’s a premium over how Motorola shares were valued last Friday and carries with it, I think, the overwhelming odor of desperation.

Of course, everybody’s making a happy announcement about the sale, like how the synergistic metrics between the longtime global partner teams are now forming a more tightly integrated new paradigm, or somesuch, but doesn’t this mean that Google is now directly competing with LG, HTC, Samsung and all the other Android handset manufacturers? And won’t those same highly valued partners continue to wonder how Google is sandbagging every time an Android release comes out? If this is a reaction to the Nortel patent grab of a couple weeks ago by Apple, Microsoft and others, it seems to me that it’s a bit like putting out a camp fire by urinating on it without warning all the other campers to pull their marshmallows out first.

– bob

P.S. I use the first generation Motorola Droid for work and am as impressed by it as this guy.

UPDATE: Super creepy and eerily similar plaudits for the marriage here. We welcome the news!

Cloud Services Are Atmospheric, Damp

remember to recycle

Friends,

I presume you’ve purchased songs from Apple via iTunes, so launch the old girl, update to 10.3.1 and go check for the purchases that you’ve lost long ago on old forgotten machines. As long as the iTunes server remembers what you’ve purchased, you can download them again thanks to the giant piles of cash Apple has shoveled into the gaping maw of the music industry. Get them now before it’s too late!

– bob