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This Amazing Year! – Three State Solution

A loose confederation...
Friends,

With news that Los Angeles County is exploring the options of withholding tax revenues from Sacramento if the state suspends payments back to counties, I had a thought. What if the other counties did the same? Would state government collapse?

Maybe that’s a good thing.

It’s a big state and there are fairly sharp ideological schisms between North and South in particular. I’ve long advocated splitting the state in two, but that seems unworkable for a number of reasons—mostly in where to make the split. The yammering classes have suggested a Three State Solution for Iraq. Wrong country, but maybe the right idea for California. Northern, Central and Southern California, anyone? Divided roughly into thirds, each section would have roughly the same economic power of the others. Roughly the same problems. Roughly the same group of dysfunctional built-in politicians.

The plus side for Southern California, which I’m concerned about, is that the seat of government would necessarily be much closer. The voices of the people here proportionally much larger in the ears of state government. Yes, we lose our big national electoral stick, but that helps to keep hacks like Nancy Pelosi from gaining more stature than they actually deserve. I think you can agree that’s a good idea too. Oh yeah, more stars on the flag.

I thought a week ago that merely disbanding the California Air Resources Board would be enough. Before that, redistricting. Now my only hope for the state is to kill the damn thing and start over. It looks like the counties are doing the job for us.

– bob

UPDATE: Added link to Pelosi’s gaffe about 500 million Americans losing their jobs every month. The now famous “Dumber Than Soap” video.

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Birthday Holiday Season – Meh, Edition – Updated!

Well, not rotten, per se...Friends,

This whole Birthday Holiday Season thing has gotten off to a rocky start. I received a couple cards a few days ago, and those were greatly appreciated, but having a birthday on a Monday does have some disadvantages. For instance, well, um, nothing. It’s hard to get too excited about it, actually, which may be the problem. This particular Birthday Holiday Season hasn’t been promoted as heavily (by me) as they have in the past. The only halfway interesting thing planned for the day is a doctor’s visit. Even that’s hard to get worked up about.

I’m looking forward to having a proper birthday next year, on a day that’s not Monday. That’s right. Tuesday, February 2nd 2010 will be much better.

– bob

UPDATE: Well, what a surprise! The minders of the little children here at The Festival of Dirt baked a cake (chocolate, with chocolate frosting, some chocolate added in, and some chocolate with some caramel on the top) and the kiddies made me a birthday banner. Delightful! My more Southerly sister is planning a party in a couple weeks, so that effectively extends my Birthday Holiday Season well past a fortnight. Ahhh. Much better.

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This Amazing Year! – Time For Change

Can we all enjoy the exhaust?Friends,

A wave of events, like a red tide washing trash and medical waste onto the beach, has come to pass that has, in my humble opinion, presented the opportunity to kill a loathsome beast. That monster, one that has not a single name but two, not one head but eleven, has taken the task of destroying the great state of California to its scaly bosom. That we will prosper and succeed as a state is antithetical to its unrepentant joy over its own lust for power over and control of the citizenry. When the sun shines and this scabrous vermin scurries behind the baseboards, who calls its name? What demonic appelation does this bilious stain answer to in the halls of Sacramento?

The California Air Resources Board.

This state is broke. That’s well known. Certainly cuts can be made to save the jobs of your average and pleasant DMV worker. In lieu of issuing IOUs to tax refund recipients, wasteful programs can be eliminated. I suggest killing CARB. Not only that, but I have suggested this path to the California EPA. Yes, infanticide. I’ve started my campaign with a friendly letter:

As a fourth generation Californian, I am angered greatly by the actions taken by the California Air Resources Board. In their latest turn to punish electric car conversion companies in the state then reverse that decision, I feel that this board is ill-suited to take on the air quality issues that affect us all. Rather, they have truly become a self important fiefdom, legislating the destruction of the California economy with a deft hand along with a tin ear. They do not represent us, they are not accountable to us and they must be dissolved.

Particularly callous has been their regulations against wood-burning heat during this particularly cold winter. A great many people, myself and my neighbors included, rely on wood as an economical alternative to electricity and propane to stay warm. The Air Resources Board has become the enemy of average citizens of this state, of anybody working towards a green economy in the future, and energy independence in general.

I am asking your advice during these trying economic times on how we, the citizens of this once and surely future great state, can disband the California Air Resources Board. Will this require a ballot initiative? What legislation enables this board? Is there separate enabling legislation that must also be overturned?

Thank you for your assistance in this urgent matter.

The best part is that the CARB Ombudsman responded—kinda.

In 1967, California’s Legislature passed the Mulford-Carrell Act, which combined two Department of Health bureaus–the Bureau of Air Sanitation and the Motor Vehicle Pollution Control Board–to establish the Air Resources Board (ARB). On February 8, 1968, the first meeting of the ARB was held in Sacramento. Legislation must be initiated to eliminate the ARB. Please contact your local state representative to discuss this matter. If you have any questions or need additional information regarding air quality issues please contact me. Thank you for contacting the Office of the Ombudsman.

Philip A. Loder
Deputy Ombudsman
Air Resources Board
Office of the Ombudsman
(916) 322-2467

All we need to do is put an initiative on the next ballot! How hard could that be? All I need to do is collect enough signatures, based on the turnout from the last general election…

Oh, right.

– bob

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This Amazing Year! – Chicks Dig It


(Girl)Friends,

You’ve had it rough for a long time. Between paying too much for health insurance and making less money at work, it would be understandable if you were a little cranky. These disparities (up to 39% more for an individual health plan? outrageous.) are being addressed this week in separate actions designed to stop those practices going forward. What took so long?

You could say that this year has been reasonably great so far, but you’d be wrong. It’s been amazing!

– bob

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This Amazing Year! – Iceland Melts Down (updated)

She's a delightful pixie, but what does her 401(k) look like now?Friends,

The global economic crisis has struck Iceland particularly hard and her population has noticed and taken to the streets. The rioting over governmental and business malfeasance in racking up huge debt has even involved hurling yogurt at the prime minister. Yogurt, people.

We might’ve anticipated the riots in Greece since their unemployment rate is staggering and their government isn’t exactly ready or able to do anything about it. Iceland though, is a special case. They’re leveraged to the hilt with among other nutso financial instruments—deep breath now—mortgage-backed securities! Hooray!

Icelandic banks are collapsing left and right with no real chance of insurance for depositors. Calls for early elections are getting serious traction at the moment (why not? some of those people have yogurt.), markets have stopped trading their currency and the IMF is propping that currency up with emergency cash. Doesn’t this only happen to third world countries? Not anymore.

Sigh.

– bob

UPDATE: Ain’t this a fine kettle of herring? It appears that the Icelandic government has finally collapsed. Prime Minister Geir Haarde got smacked around by the Social Democratic Alliance Party and was forced to disband government. “I really regret that we could not continue with this coalition, I believe that that would have been the best result,” Haarde told reporters that I presume included the Associated Press (where I borrowed that quote from in its entirety). Clearly it would’ve been the best to keep the old people in power to fix the problem, much like it’s a great idea to keep the current management of GM in charge of their bankrupt behemoth. Of course you want to dance with the one that brung you, that’s only polite. But if your dance partner is bringing you to the edge of total destruction, maybe it’s time to tear up your dance card. Just saying.

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Urgent Warning – Puppy Alert

This just in from the Press-Enterprise breaking news blog:

TRAFFIC UPDATE: Puppy Alert along NB I-215 near UC Riverside
6:49 AM Tue, Jan 20, 2009 | Permalink | Comments (0)
Posted by: PE News

Watch out for the puppy: It’s poised to join commuters along I-215 near UC Riverside.

The critter was reported standing in the center divider at 6:15 a.m. along the freeway’s northbound lanes just north of University Avenue, according to the California Highway Patrol website.

—Richard Brooks
rbrooks@PE.com

Executive takeaway: Watch out for the puppy. Got that?

– bob

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Football Side Note

New aftershave?Friends,

After watching the crushing hit on Willis McGehee during the AFC playoff game this evening (“oh, he’s surely dead.”) and when his body was taped down to the cart to trundle off the field, I was stuck by all of the continued pounding and slapping. The man has perhaps had his neck broken, his head held still by a trainer, and teammates still felt the need to slap his shoulder pads. A hearty handshake. A not-so-high five.

Sure, he could eventually “move his limbs” as Doctor Jim Nantz pronounced from the announcer booth, but a broken neck, people. He was complaining of “neck pain.” Broken neck. Hello? Good gravy. Idiots.

– bob

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This Amazing Year! – No Pressure

no gloves?
Friends,

A nutter at NASA who’s not an alarmist at all is warning Mr. Obama that he only has four years to save the Earth from global warming. The Guardian apparently interviewed him via binoculars, reading his statement from the sandwich board he was sporting while stomping down the street. He was also heard to say, “The end is nigh! That means really near!”

So once again we’re all doomed, but in a wonderful turn of events in this amazing year, our new president will fix it by asking us all to look into our hearts and reduce our gasses (which will be trouble for operators of taco trucks throughout this great land, but hey, si se puede!). Hooray for us!

Your pal,

bob

UPDATE: I’ve been listening to KCRW all afternoon, which is typical for a Sunday afternoon. They’ve been simulcasting the Inaugural Concert which just ended, but as soon as I get done posting the brain dead diatribe above, they launch into Michael Franti’s Obama Song. The chorus? “Si se puede, si se puede, si se puede…” I’m now officially creeped out. Thank you.

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This Amazing Year! – Buy A Jeep!

A lovely left-aligned picture of the mighty Jeepster Commando...Friends,

Um, oh Chrysler. They’re not doing so well despite Bob “Orange Apron” Nardelli’s protestations (scroll down) at the Detroit Auto Show otherwise. They’ve got too much inventory built up, plants are idled until, well, cars are sold to bring the inventory count down a touch, and dealers are freaking out about all the excess inventory.

For instance, we taxpayers have given Chrysler a few billion bucks so it seems nice that they’d offer some discounts. Some? How about quite a lot of discounts? Here’s your last chance to buy a Wrangler before Jeep is bought by Renault again. You remember what happened last time…

Your pal,

bob

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This Amazing Year! – Making With The Social

Pals,

On a dare, I went ahead and joined Facebook. Is this a good idea? Surely not, but there’s the outside chance that it could be fun. The site is blocked at the Festival of Dirt, so posting at work is straight out. Isn’t that when most people are on the thing?

More dispatches from 2004 to come…

– bob

NOTE: By the way, I’ve put a dopey Facebook badge down at the bottom of the right-hand bar. If you click on it, something happens! Hooray for clicking!

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This Amazing Year! – We Are Blessed

Friends,

I don’t have anything interesting to post (considering the rules—no proper names, no identifiable entities, no slander *cough*… -ed) but what else positive about this year? Oh nothing really, except our new Aztec patron saint!

That’s right. This here blog has been graciously adopted by little known, but extremely powerful minor (until now) god Quetzlguaranamo!

He, or she, is interestingly also the patron of baby rabbits, cheese fanciers, blue crayons, and back hair. So we’re pleased to welcome our new patron saint, if that’s the word. Here’s hoping that he, or she, will keep us from getting sued during the rest of this amazing year.

Fingers crossed,

– bob

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This Amazing Year! – AC/DC

A lovely left-aligned image...Friends,

I’m really trying to make a point to remain positive in the first posts this year. Here’s my attempt to spin today’s non-fun events:

You know that lump of copper and aluminum under the hood of your car? The one with big, fat wires hanging off of it? The alternator under the hood of my Microscopic Racecar© packed up this morning. Shuffled off its mortal coils (yikes, a windings joke? proud of yourself? -ed).

I left for work this morning at my usual time, before sunrise. The headlights flickered at the 4,500 foot mark and the charging system warning light came on. Headlights dimmed at 3,000 feet. The radio failed at 2,200 feet. I figured that the car was running on battery power only and turned off the headlights down at 800 feet, while it was still dark. Must make it to work, after all…

Five minutes to the Festival of Dirt and the car quit. At this point, I had no idea that the alternator had died and instead condemned the battery. First mistake. I walked to the local car parts store and waited a half hour until they opened to find out they don’t stock the over-sized motorcycle battery nestled in the Racecar’s trunk. They not only didn’t stock the battery, but they also didn’t know where to get one. What they did know was the phone number of their local competitor. Take a deep breath.

“Do you have a Miata battery?”
“No, we have Energizer, Interstate and Optima”
“Oh no, I’m looking for a battery for my Miata”
“Huh?”
“Mazda Miata? MX-5? You must’ve heard of it.”
“Oh yeah, right. What year? Let me get back to you, I’m trying to open my store right now.”

That was the last I heard from Manny, Moe and Jack’s harried and forgetful surrogate.

So after a dejected trudge back to the car and a phone call to a friend at work to pick me up, the car started right up. It soon died again, but this time in front of a nearby garage run by a gentleman who’s been driving the same road I do every day for the last two decades. It’s a small world!

Setting the crushing repair bill aside for a moment, there are positives in this story. I met a nice guy who in addition to running a garage down in the desert but also does fire abatement, gardening and housecleaning up here on the hill. I also have a newly steady stream of electrons coursing through that tiny little car. Can it get much better? Yes!

When the alternator failed, it also fried the wiring to the instrument panel. Now there’s all new wiring from there to there. See? It’s a great day after all. Hell, it’s an amazing year!

Your pal,

bob

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This Amazing Year! – Not Any Mutt

Now is the only time you can make a chilly dog joke. Uh oh, time's up.Friends,

I’ve been telling people that I’ve adopted a little black dog. When they ask “Oh, what kind?” I’ve had to sputter out something about a mix of something and something else, the speculation ranging from Shelty to Bull Terrier (all absurd). Turns out she’s a member of a proud and weird breed called McNab (no, not that one).

Here’s a little bit from the Dogster site (Who knew? Borrowing from the Friendster concept, can you “dog” somebody? If not, why not? Discuss.):

McNab History:
It is said that Alexander McNab, a rancher who relocated to California from Scotland in the mid-19th century, developed the McNab by crossing his Scottish-born Border Collie with various shepherd dogs.

That’s right, the breed is California-native! That certainly counts for something, although it must be noted that she’s not an ultra-liberal as many might suspect. Nor is her collar made of hemp. More…

The Look of the McNab:
The McNab is an athletic, small or medium-sized dog with a short, black coat that usually has white markings on the muzzle, chest, feet and tip of the tail. Its distinctive, triangular ears are either pricked or flop over. Its tail can be naturally bobbed or long. The McNab is also distinguished by its cat-like feet.

People who know McNab Shepherds, McNab Cattle Dogs or whatever you might wish to call them can be a little fanatical. A little more background on Mendocino’s own Gregor Mendel from Hawk Stock Dogs…

Alexander McNab and his family left Glasgow, Scotland in 1868, came to the United States of America, and settled in California on the ranch known as the McNab ranch in Mendocino, California south of Ukiah. They brought one dog with them, but it died soon after they arrived. In 1885, Mr. McNab returned to the Grampian Hills in Scotland for the sole purpose of getting some of the dogs he was used to working (with) [sic]. He purchased two dogs, Peter and Fred. He brought Peter back with him. Fred was left in Scotland to have his training completed, and was sent to America later. Fred was strictly a lead dog; Peter worked both lead and drive. These two dogs were bred to select shepherd females of Spanish origin which were brought to this country by the Basque sheep herders, and that cross was called McNab shepherds because Mr. McNab perfected this breed of stock dogs which would head or heel.

So, there you have it. Peter and Fred went catting about and from them, eventually, came this happy and well-adjusted girly dog.

Happy? Sure!
Scots hooked up with Spanish hotties that can head or heel? I’ve just made it icky, haven’t I? Sorry about that.

There you have it, more than you ever wanted to know about the McNab Shepherd. It is an amazing year so far, isn’t it?

Your pal,

– bob

BIZARRE FOOTNOTE: If you hate yourself, have unlimited bandwidth and feel that you don’t quite have enough blood flooding out of your eye sockets, please feel free to take a look at Donovan McNabb’s personal website. Horrible Flash movies combined with Donovan the businessman and purple copy detailing how super and also ultra-great Mr. McNabb is. After viewing this exploration of one man’s hatred of the web and your eyes, please take the lesson to heart and remove all of the Flash nonsense from your own website. Thank you.

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This Amazing Year! – Dog Fish

Friends,

This commercial from Volkswagen do Brasil makes zero sense and is creepy enough, but if you watch it enough times (I’m at five right now) it’s kinda heartwarming in a scaly way.


Even the jackalope is freaking out.

Your pal,

bob

(Thanks Jalopnik!)

UPDATE: Fixed the spelling and added link to Brazilian VW site and by the way, go here to download paper Transporters (Kombis) (warning: PDF link, scroll over the one you want and click Baixar.) to put together and play with! No, not after work or when you have “a spare moment.” It’s time for fun right now. Please also make the motor noise while you’re driving your new Kombis around on your desk.