Tag: genius

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Earthquake Watch 2011! – Fallout Edition

ol' buddy, ol' pal.

Friends,

It’s been a couple weeks since horrifying devastation was wrought on Japan by a magnitude 9.0 earthquake and giant tsunami, but what we seem to continue to focus on isn’t the human tragedy, but the threat of the unchecked release of radiation from the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant. Some people I trust don’t think we should worry about it here on the left coast of the United States, which makes perfect sense to me. Some suggest that the plant was bound to fail in the first place. All I know now is that it’s time for everyone here in unincorporated rural southwestern Riverside County to lose your minds because they’ve found radioactive isotopes from the Fukushima plant in a collector in Riverside. Shhh!

The amount they found is as tiny as you would expect according to the monkey botherers over at the EPA [warning: PDF link]. All the usual suspects are here though. You’ve got your iodine, your cesium, your tellurium; all stuck to a little gizmo waving around up in the green-gray atmosphere of Riverside, CA. How much? The press release doesn’t say except to patronize us with a “100,000 times less radiation than a roundtrip international flight (to chernobyl? -ed)” line. We’re big boys and girls (speak for yourself. -ed), we can take the numbers. If anything at all has come of the calamity that has befallen Japan, it’s that we’ve all become amateur physicists through the reporting.

Of course some people seem to be having difficulty adjusting to this new world we’re facing. Take for instance the fellow in Hemet who took after a couple people with a samurai sword yesterday. I know you’re thinking two things; first, aren’t the Hemet police under siege from deadly gangs of dentists? Why yes they are, but things have calmed down to the point where they could immediately arrest the assailant. The second, and most important question you have must be, what does this have to do with that?

Certainly not this. Or this hysterical tripe.

– bob

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I Knew It!

Friends,

Speaking of newspapers, the Palm Springs Desert Sun is one of them. Occasionally, when they post an article on the world wide internets, someone in the community will comment, and sometimes the comment is better than the story itself. Here is that comment taken out of context copied verbatim for your amusement.

Dental Cabal?
Look at them. Plotting and scheming…

Bill Emmerson is the problem! He is a Sacramento Special Interest Politician controlled by the Dentists.

In Fact, he used to be a lobbyist for the dentists in Sacramento before they spent over $4000,000.00 to by him the 63rd Assembly seat in Rancho Cucamonga.

They are again spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to try to buy him this senate seat. Why you may ask? so prisoners can continue to get free dental care and that illegal immigrants can also get free dental care through taxpayer subsidized programs Bill voted for.

John Benoit also received hundreds of thousands of dollars from the dentists and they were very upset when he left them in a lurch so he could take the supervisor’s appointment.

This time the dentists are leaving nothing to chance, they convinced one of their own, Bill Emmerson, to rent a room in Hemet and run for the seat.

They know they can trust one of their own to never betray them and keep them driving taxpayer provided BMW’s and Mercedes Benzes!

3/20/2010 7:30:44 AM

With their drills and their spit sinks, was there ever any doubt? Wake up people!

– bob

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And Tar and Feathers May Encourage The Chicken Dance

Ladas fit in very small spaces, after all.
Friends,

Our state legislature and the capitol building that houses their bizarre efforts, should clearly be cordoned off from the rest of society. We can instantly rename the facility the Al Lowenthal Center for Severe Mental Health Disorders if you like, or just paint the whole thing black and turn our backs on it. Either way, these cats never fail to amaze (and depress). Here’s today’s story from the L.A. Times (they still print that thing? -ed Yup, but you better hurry.) that details the State Senator’s idea to convince cities to reduce or remove free parking. As you know, parking encourages driving, and driving encourages buying and burning fuel, and that encourages THE DESTRUCTION OF EVERYTHING WE HOLD DEAR! OMG!!!1!!one!!

Big Al’s premise is simple…

State lawmakers are taking aim at what some of them see as a menace to California’s environment: free parking.

There is too much of it, the legislators say, and it encourages people to drive instead of taking the bus, walking or riding a bike. All that motoring is contributing to traffic jams and pollution, according to state Sen. Alan Lowenthal (D-Long Beach), and on Thursday he won Senate approval of a proposal he hopes will prompt cities and businesses to reduce the availability of free parking

So if you’re not following the crazy, this proposal contends that driving also causes traffic, which is a lot like saying that combining bread, peanut butter and jelly causes sandwiches.

Tune your brain caps to 20 and please be seated. Al’s not done…

“Free parking has significant social, economic and environmental costs,” Lowenthal said. “It increases congestion and greenhouse gas emissions.”

But wait, here’s the kook graf:

“It’s nice that we’ve been treated to this luxury,” Lowenthal said. “The problem with free parking is it’s not free.”

Just like freedom!

– bob

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As Easy As Pi

Friends,

We here at Jaunty Central love the Riverside Press-Enterprise. They make our lives easier almost every day. Sometimes we don’t even have to write the joke, it just issues forth from their ink-stained fingers straight to our pixel-punished eyeballs. This is one of those times:

To bee or not to Bea...

Editors. Who needs ’em?

– bob

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The Loyal Opposition

Destroy!Friends,

I follow the news pretty carefully and I think I know something about stuff like Cash For Clunkers. I’m generally against the program since it means that tomorrow’s classic cars are heading for the crusher, but a friend of mine on Facebook asked a simple question that seemed right up my alley. Here’s the transcript of a simple thing that went horribly wrong:

[Original Poster Friend] Has anyone taken advantage of the Cash for Clunkers program? I’m thinking of buying a new car this week.
9 hours ago · Comment · Like

[OP Friend #1] my buudy [redacted] just did it…aloota paperwork but pretty darn cool…they really do give good deals, i guess…
9 hours ago

[OP Friend #2] My friend up the street just got a new “Flex” from Ford using the program. He got $3500 for his clunker…
8 hours ago

[Nutso Dude] I only have a 2007 Honda to trade in and I wouldnt buy an American Car because they are shi#, I am sorry, but The Japanese and the Germans and everybody else make better cars then USA, my first Car was an Oldsmobile, but now I stick with Japanese and German Cars. If we built better cars and our Unions weren’t so greedy, American products would be # 1 again and I am sorry they arent even on the list anymore- Hate to sound negative, but We need to get back to the basics that made us great, Pride in our work,Great Products, and Loving our Country, those 3 things will make us great again!!!!
7 hours ago

[OP Friend #3] He makes sense but, I do believe that Japanese cars are also included. Get yourself a Prius.
7 hours ago

[OP Friend #4] Better go quick before the $$$ runs out!
5 hours ago

[Me] Wow. [Nutso Dude] is really wrong about the domestics. Go shop Ford and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. What are you going to trade in?
3 hours ago · Delete

Okay, that’s not so bad, I think. I called the guy out, but I was contributing to the discussion—except I started something…


[Nutso Dude – since deleted] Hey Bob, Why would You say I was wrong? Why is GM tanking? Why is Hummer almost obsolete?? Why cant American Cars compete with Japanese cars like Honda and Toyota?? When was the last time You bought a pontiac?? How about a buick?? Bob, I think You are really wrong about American Cars. why would they have to trick You into buying new ones?? Because they suck thats why !!!! Cash for Clunkers is a program that is another scam by The Obama Administration to make it look like people actually want American cars.Do me a favor Bob and Don’t flag me down When your Ford craps out on You and I am driving my Honda by You, because I will give You the finger and tell You to Buy a Honda next time moron !!!
GO YANKEES !!!
OBABAYOMAMA NO MORE!!!!

Things are going badly here. I haven’t modified the spelling or the grammar, so at this point I think it could be a joke. Poorly executed, but a put-on nonetheless. Sadly, Dude continues…


[Nutso Dude – also now deleted] My last statement I said with a lot of love-imao I wasn’t trying too sound harsh !!! Well, maybe a little-lol

Okay. Some love. This is settling down nicely. New comment is posted…


[More from Nutso Dude – deleted] Sorry about the last statement, But I usually dont say to somebody that they are wrong, because the conversation goes negative right from there. I usually say I disagree with so and so, because I think this and that, so excuse me for educating Bob on why we disagree with regard to American Cars.

I’m sure I needed an education on cars. Clearly I needed an education on Facebook etiquette. I should’ve let it go, but no…


[Again, Me] Gosh. That was a little flamey. Personally, I own two old Jeeps to get around in the snow and a used Miata to drive up and down the hill because it’s fun (but not trouble-free). I’ll stand by the Ford recommendation only because I’ve read that they have nice, reliable products out there right now. A VW Jetta TDI wagon would be a mileage and space champ though. Also worth a look.

There we go! I’ve offered my advice and I’m out. Wait! The crazy continues…


[But wait, more from Nutso – also deleted] I am retracting what I said about American Cars, because I have been a little too confrontational lately on Facebook. With that being said, I just want to say Bob that I think that Obama is a Muslim pig that is a racist and is really the White Mans Bitch, because he only works for Teddy Kennedy and the rest of the Pu$$y Ass Liberal Fa#S in the Deomocratic Party,they dont let him make the big decisions, he only gets to play President, if thats sounds too Flamey for You Bob, I am sorry, I am a New Yorker, not some liberal, Butt Pirate from California who loves everything that Obama stands for. Good Day to You Sir!!!!!!!!

[It gets better. More from Nutso – deleted from original post] Bob let me simplify, You go and spend Your $$ on a Ford and I will drive my 2007 Honda Touring Edition and Lets see where it gets us in 5 years. Your Muslim Buddy Obama is killing our country little by little, not only is the Stimulus package doing nothing, but now we are spending tax money to take off the price of American Cars?? Is that right ?? Bob, it wasn’t flamey what was said, I think You are a Flamer !!! So dont hate Bob, love that fact that I make Great money and I am willing to pay taxes so Your Malotto President and first Muslim in Chief can give all of our Money to people who don’t spend it here, they ship it back to their home countries. Man, I have met some stupid people in my day, but Bob just made me realize why We have a community Organizer for a President and that is some people in America just dont care !!!

Really? The rant is amazing, as you can see, but my faith in humanity has been restored a little in that the posts I note as deleted have been removed from my friend’s page. “A little too confrontational” doesn’t begin to describe this flaming hot mess. If this is a common sentiment around the country, we’re in big trouble.

Huge trouble.

– bob

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A Serious Drinking Problem

Oh dear!Friends,

As you might expect, this story from the Press-Enterprise’s champion of the written word, Mr. John Asbury, is missing some important information. The bones are there though, about a man who may be seeking to make the olfactory crimes you committed after Bean Burrito Night at Taco Bell seem tame in comparison:


Man drinking gopher poison in Hemet becomes chemical risk
By PE News on July 16, 2009 6:40 AM | Comments (0)

A man who drank gopher poison Monday night became a potential health risk to others as well, causing a small section of the Hemet Valley Medical Center and surrounding streets to be closed off, according to hospital and fire officials.

When ingested, two chemicals in the poison, phosphine and malathion, can mix with chemicals produced in the human body to produce toxic out-gassing, Hemet Fire Chief Matt Shobert said Wednesday.

That posed a potential risk to hospital staff and other patients, he said.

Potential? Seems like a great big imminent risk. John found somebody else to talk to though and lays down some science.

Valley Health System spokeswoman Jerri Randrup said no other patients were affected or evacuated. The man was treated in an isolated room with reverse air pressure that ventilated any toxic fumes away from any other areas.

Fire officials are unclear whether the man swallowed the poison intentionally, Shobert said. The man, whose identity was not released, remained hospitalized Wednesday, but he had transferred out of the intensive care unit and was expected to recover.

— John Asbury

So kids, as Fernando Valenzuela would remind us—be smart, stay in school—and consider not drinking gopher poison. Okay?

– bob

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Happy Birthday Lindsay Wagner!

The bionic woman and bionic bigfoot before their onscreen relationship turns nasty. It's complicated.
Friends,

Today, Lindsay Wagner turns 60. Eventually it had to happen, but the event still makes me feel ancient…

Somebody is missing the point.…but not stupid. The scene on this lunchbox seems a little daft since the Bionic Woman wasn’t known necessarily for her driving prowess, now was she? Some illustrator who hadn’t seen the show got the assignment and, apparently, went on her own merry way.

“What’s this Bionic Woman, mate?”
“She solves crimes on American telly.”
“Oh? Why’s she called ‘Bionic’ then?”
“Beats me. Here’s the publicity photos. We need your draft by noon.”

And I suppose that was that. Well, happy birthday and enjoy the mattress!

– bob

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Urgent Warning – Horse Jam

Friends,

The CHP reports a horse jam this morning. Press-Enterprise ace reporter John Asbury knows all…

Multiple traffic collisions are clogging the freeways, rain is making a slick commute, and in Corona, well, there’s a horse jam.

Five horses are talking down Temescal Canyon Road at Concordia Ranch Road, according to the California Highway Patrol.

No traffic delays were reported, but a CHP officer was dispatched to corral the horses.

Talking horses are no big deal, really, but where will the CHP find a horse trailer?

– bob

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Lipstick.

Patriots,

My candidate is making a joke that quacks like a gaffe. Take a listen now and guess who he’s talking about…

This is gonna blow up, isn’t it?

– bob

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Breaking Underwear News!

Another one from our good friends at the Riverside Press-Enterprise. I’m sure it’s linkbait, but what the heck?

A Santa Monica man has acknowledged he repeatedly called Rep. David Dreier’s district office in San Dimas and threatened to kill the congressman.

I’m not a huge fan of David Dreier myself, but this seems a bit drastic…

Thomas Aaron Brothers pleaded no contest to a felony charge of threatening a government official as part of a deal calling for a year in jail and a year in a live-in mental health facility. He will be sentenced Sept. 22.

Any relation?

Preliminary hearing testimony revealed the 41-year-old Brothers was upset that the government was preventing him from wearing women’s underwear.

If Tom had been paying attention, he would know that the government actually encourages people to wear women’s underwear…

– bob

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These Are The People In My Neighborhood – Part I

Richard Brooks, from the Riverside Press-Enterprise related a lovely story yesterday about a gentleman who just didn’t know when to say when. A brilliant bit of writing, the story contains just about everything you need to know about San Bernardino County. Let’s begin (the boldface type is ours, you’re welcome. – ed):

A man suspected of fatally shooting himself in the head while playing with guns after he’d been drinking has been identified as a 31-year-old Fontana man, San Bernardino County coroner’s officials said this morning.

Hey fellas, hold my beer and watch this!

Roman Hernandez died at his home about 3 a.m. Sunday along the 14000 block of Parkview Drive, said coroner’s spokeswoman Sandy Fatland. Police originally listed the victim’s age as 29.

I don’t know what’s better, Sandy’s last name or that they got the late Mr. Hernandez’ age wrong even though they found him in his home. Hopefully, deputy coroner Chuck Rumptown will be on the case to sort out this mystery.

Hernandez and some friends left a Fontana bar about 2:45 a.m. and continued drinking at his home, police investigators said in a written statement.

To avoid forgetting other details, the investigators have tried something new in writing down statements. Eliminates confusion.

After the shooting, the friends left without calling police, the statement says.

Whoa! Hey fellas! Where’re you going?

Several hours later, at least some of the friends reported the incident at a local fire station. Police found the victim’s body at his home.

Aww. That’s what friends are for. Right?

C’mon back to see us real soon, y’hear?

– bob

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Tin Ear Alert: Gas Taxes Too Low!

Um, right.

It seems that Americans have been cutting back on fuel consumption, which is fantastic. We’ll cut back on unburned hydrocarbons entering the atmosphere, send less money to foreign powers that we don’t particularly agree with, what could go wrong? I’ll tell you, bub. Sure, you’re pretty smug about that electric car of yours, but what about the crumbling bridges!

That’s right. We’re paying fewer taxes into the highway transportation fund because we’re buying less fuel. Apparently, that’s bad. The solution bandied about by the usual suspects is that, clearly, the gas tax must rise to compensate for the shortfall. We’re using less gas because it’s too expensive, so the solution is to make it more expensive. The president, meanwhile, thinks we should just outsource the problem and sell the highways to private companies so that they can collect tolls. In an unconfirmed story by an unnamed official, the administration is also considering hiring trolls to live under bridges and ask drivers three questions before they may cross. If this fleecing continues, there may be a lot of takers for the new Federal Onsite Highway Overpass Metering Engineer jobs.

– bob

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Okay, So Here’s What Happened…

Friends,

Miata, me bought. What am I driving right now? A rented Ford Focus sedan with an automatic. That’s the short version. Am I pleased? Not even a little. Here’s the long version:

File photo not of my real car.I found the Mazda (file photo, left. not actual car what me bought.) on Autotrader.com at a dealer in Escondido for a very reasonable price. Maybe too reasonable as it turns out. I’ve been jetting about in the thing and have been thrilled with how tight it turns in. How it holds corners. The growl and slight rasp on acceleration. Oh, wait, acceleration.

On the way home driving up the hill this afternoon, every stab at the throttle was met with that growl, but no forward progress. The clutch had given up for the most part, but I nursed it past the lower vista point. Then I turned out to let somebody by and just couldn’t get started again uphill—only down. Down to the closest Mazda dealership. Good thing too, since the car was reluctant to go forward even on the flat.

They’re going to replace the clutch, maybe tomorrow, maybe Thursday. The tiny little clutch in my toy car must be easy to replace. Just move the rubber bands to one side and consult the Hello Kitty Service Manual. Seriously, how hard could it be? Too hard for the selling dealer who checked out the car represented as “without obvious flaws” to me apparently.

The next time I say (which I actually did) “what could possibly go wrong?” please proceed with the dope slap. I certainly deserve it.

– bob

UPDATE: The clutch is done and still slips when it’s hot. Just a little, but slipping is not good. The selling dealer is going to kick in half of the kilodollar price tag, so that’s nice. The repair shop broke stuff though, so I guess I’ll take a trip back there this week. Such fun you should never have.

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There Goes My Shot At The Hall Of Fame

We Are All On Drugs
Friends,

When the doctor at Kaiser Permanente attempted to determine my medical history yesterday, it seems that he’d already decided on a diagnosis. He never actually looked at me during the interview, choosing instead to examine the floor and his shoes. I attempted to advance the narrative, he had already made up his mind and spoke over me.

“Your asthma is back, I’m gonna prescribe these medications which include some steroids, and you’ll need a chest x-ray. See the cashier on your way out.”

So there it is. Will I need to take these drugs forever? I haven’t a clue. Should I be worried about side effects? Who can say? If the bedtime dose makes me wake up at midnight and stay up until the alarm goes off, should that be cause for concern? Maybe the cashier knows for sure.

– bob