Tag: genius

Friends,

This one has nothing to do with my workplace down in The Festival Of Dirt, but a bunch of stories that came out in the last week. Admit it. You hate the planet, don’t you? Of course you do. We all do and I can prove it. First, it’s those damned divorced people:

“…because divorced households have fewer people, they have more rooms per person and are using their living space less efficiently. This inefficiency may also lead to an increase in generating greenhouse gases, the study concludes.

They’re jerks, right? Those divorced people. Bah pooh!

But what about environmentalists? They’d be in favor of green energy projects, right? They couldn’t possibly be planet haters too…

The coalition, the Coastal Habitat Alliance, also sued over the wind project in state District Court in Travis County. That suit claims that the state’s Public Utility Commission illegally denied the alliance’s request to participate in permit hearings for the wind project’s transmission line.

Where can you turn then? The wise men inhabiting the cradle of Christianity must have an answer to fix this mess. What say you, oh soothsayers?

The founders of the Green Hanukkia campaign found that every candle that burns completely produces 15 grams of carbon dioxide. If an estimated one million Israeli households light for eight days, they said, it would do significant damage to the atmosphere.

“The campaign calls for Jews around the world to save the last candle and save the planet, so we won’t need another miracle,” said Liad Ortar, the campaign’s cofounder, who runs the Arkada environmental consulting firm and the Ynet Web site’s environmental forum. “Global warming is a milestone in human evolution that requires us to rethink how we live our lives, and one of the main paradigms of that is religion and how it fits into the current situation.”

Okay. No help there. Certainly the combined intelligence of no more august a body than the United Nations will provide relief for our imminent crisis. After all, we’re on the brink of disaster and must take every drastic step possible to stem the tide of carbon dioxide emissions. They’ll take the wisest course, surely, and show us the way towards a green future…

Never before have so many people converged to try to save the planet from global warming, with more than 10,000 jetting into this Indonesian resort island, from government ministers to Nobel laureates to drought-stricken farmers.

But critics say they are contributing to the very problem they aim to solve.

“Nobody denies this is an important event, but huge numbers of people are going, and their emissions are probably going to be greater than a small African country,” said Chris Goodall, author of the book “How to Live a Low-Carbon Life.”

Alright then. If they’re not taking this thing all that seriously…

Your pal,

bob

So I was hammering out some insane screed in the bullpen at 47 Jaunty Plaza when Chuck Petrovitch and Socks (a monkey) stopped by my desk. “What’s that?” Chuck asked, which he is wont to do, and I realized that nobody wanted that. Socks (a monkey) thought that it’d be fun to show off some of the stories that compel me to weep for the human race instead. He was right, of course.

• This story captures it all; homeland security, inept newsroom staff, a cranky old man, and coupons!
• Belgian Opel workers wonder whether it’s a good idea to continue a strike after GM has already decided to shutter their plant.
• Dump the “greengrocer’s apostrophe,” won’t you?
• I’ll suggest Disney’s next teevee project: America’s Funniest Citizen Sterilization Videos

As for Sharpton’s Romney comment, look dude, his imaginary friend is no more imaginary than your imaginary friend. So, um, knock it the hell off. We can talk about that cat’s affinity for Scientology all you want, but the religion thing? Yeah, sure. Go teach a man to fish or something.

Your pal,

bob

EDITOR’S NOTE: Your P.R. gal Magdalena is on the phone. She thinks that all the linky love is gonna help your technorati rating. I think she’s all wet. – ed
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Don’t you wish.

Friends,

There’s a saying that I hadn’t heard before, but seems apt here…

“If stupid people had wings, they’d block out the sky.”

Now that you’re in the mood, here’s an exchange between a woman in her mid-40s and a stocky, older Home Depot employee last Saturday. We were checking out and she had just entered the store, handing the employee her shopping list:

• “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t carry 8-by-4 sheets of plywood.”
• “No?”
• “No ma’am. But I can show you where the 4-by-8 sheets are.”

Was that necessary? Really? And who’s the sadistic bastard who sent Little Miss Whut? to the exotic bazaar in Outer Homedepotstan armed with nothing more than that shopping list?

By the way, nobody was laughing.

Your pal,

bob

ALSO: Tummy not feeling so hot, but you’re all out of ipecac? I can help you purge that dodgy breakfast burrito with a license plate frame observed this morning (on the back of another Mercedes!):

Single. 6’5″ Of Love.

Yeesh.
Remember to stay hydrated!

Neighbors,

It’s lunchtime. There’s a breakroom with a teevee in it. That teevee has basic cable.

On Friday, The Discovery Channel was (re)playing the Steve Irwin/Junior Cousteau deep sea prelude to the manta ray snuff film. They’re handling a poisonous fish, Steve’s diving in his outback outfit and scuba gear (god love the aussies), they’re goofing around, when the registered nurse finishing her lunch blurts:

“Wow! That’s from when he was alive!”

Um, yep.

– bob

The explanation from the Verizon Wireless rep might’ve made sense. You know, your mobile phone doesn’t really have a dial tone, but when you pick a number out of your contact list and hit send, there should be ringing, right? Nothing. Blank. Dead air.

Mr. Verizon had a plausible answer for the problem. Some local towers are out of service, or so they said. The work phone didn’t work, but my personal phone did. Junky LG phone that came free with the account? Lots of bars but no dialing. Marginally less junky, bare bones Motorola phone that was not free with my plan? Still working. What gives?

I’m sure the Verizon rep would have an answer…

We’re aware of the problem. There are a couple towers down that serve your facility.

Okay, but how does that explain my phone?

We’re working on it and once we get the repairs done, you should notice that you have service again.

Um, I got that. What about the Motorola phone?

We don’t have an estimate when repairs will be done.

Interesting. So no explanation, huh?

Okay, great. Is there anything else I can help you with?

I guess not.

Your pal,

bob