Tag: justice

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The Most Vile Human Being In Idyllwild*


Friends,

There’s another dog poisoner running around on the hill at the moment. His latest victim is not expected to survive the night and I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t freaking out about it. The news came to me on Facebook and I wrote a comment, as you do (even though that may be the dumbest way to work out your feelings about an event ever in the history of human interaction, or non-interaction):

I would very much like for this person to be found. An arrest made, wherein this person is provided all of the legal protections that the law allows. For a psychological evaluation to be conducted, and lawyer to be at this person’s side for his defense. Don’t get me wrong, I do also wish bodily harm on this miscreant, but a conviction might send a stronger message. Hopefully.

But this isn’t what I initially wrote. I was a teensy bit more furious…

I would very much like for this person to be found. An arrest made, wherein this person is provided all of the legal protections that the law allows. For a psychological evaluation to be conducted, and lawyer to be at this person’s side for his defense. Then I would suggest that he be presented in a coliseum where mountain lions might remove his limbs in a terrible and violent fashion, but while he is delirious from the pain and loss of blood his final wish is granted – a last meal…

But I was worried about what the broader audience might think. They might judge! On social media!

– bob

UPDATE: From Facebook, “Jack’s dog was up walking, and ate something this morning, temperature spiked last night. Good news, but not out of the woods yet, since he was told that they did not think the dog would make it.” Did you know that keeping a mountain lion on retainer is surprisingly affordable? Must be the off-season.

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Small Stories About Disappointing Things

Don't look away.
Friends,

As the tags indicate, I think these things are related to each other in some way. I’m not sure you’ll agree, but let’s throw this stuff in the pot and see if we end up with stew…

  • There were a couple little automobile races on Sunday, starting with the American classic — the Indianapolis 500. My houseguests and I didn’t care so much, but we watched the thing anyway and towards the end, fell in love with the pluck of rookie JR Hildebrand. What a clever fuel strategy! What skill staying out of trouble and holding his line! Look! It’s the white flag and this kid’s in front! And then he crashed on Turn Four, right before the finish line. On to our next story…
  • Nascar certainly can’t let Indy Car have all the fun, so they decided to run a longer race on the same day. Again, we didn’t care until the very end, but what’s this? Dale Earnhardt Jr. is winning in the last lap! What skill staying out of trouble and holding his line! What a clever fuel strategy! Then he ran out of gas and some other guy won. Now for weasels.
  • My dear friend called this evening with a story that gives sharks and bastards a bad name. Her father is struggling with Alzheimer’s Disease, but lawyers would like to depose him to testify in a dispute over a land deal from the 80s. His lawyers protested that he was too ill to travel and sit and speak under oath for hours, but the opposition hired an investigator to prove this wrong. Video camera at the ready, the investigator ignited an M80 outside his front door and recorded him ambling to the window to determine the source of the commotion. See? He can move around just fine, your honor. One more…
  • As long-time followers of this mess surely know, my hours at the Far Eastern Outpost of San Diego’s Omnipresent Charitable Organization have been cut in half. In fact, my Wednesdays are literally cut in half to make the timing work. This knowledge did not prevent one of the bosses from getting huffy that I was not available to solve problems with his personal home computer not receiving company email in a timely manner. Allow me to clarify — one of the people who got together and decided to send me halfway out into the dodgy financial wilderness has the gall to protest that I’m not there often enough? Really? Seriously? I find this behavior stunning.

So, how was your Wednesday?

– bob

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Okay, Fine, I’ll Just Do It Myself

Friends,

After hearing the news of Justice John Paul Stevens’ impending retirement, Supreme Court watchers have fired up the speculation machine again. Some of the names might not be familiar, like Solicitor General Elena Kagan, or Diane Wood. Some might be kinda familiar, like TARP Inspector General chair of the Congressional Oversight Panel Elizabeth Warren. Some lunatics have even mentioned Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for the job.

Each of these potential nominees has a problem or two that might prevent their confirmation in the Senate or at least lead to a nasty, bruising fight. In my opinion, the country cannot handle yet another contentious partisan political slug fest. Somebody’s gotta take this problem and turn it into an opportunity to heal this great political divide, and since nobody else has piped up, I will.

 Hell, if Mickey Kaus can run for Senate as a Democrat, I certainly have the qualifications to be an associate justice of the Supreme Court. What could possibly go wrong?

Oh yeah, that.

– bob

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The Justice System

I was not programmed for you. Friends,

The geography-challenged papercrats running the Riverside County court system thought it’d be neat for me sit in a jury room in the city of Riverside today. I’ve never been to the court there and those who’ve been staring at words I’ve posted here for a while would presume that this thought made me a nervous wreck. What you may not know is that I’ve been issued a Motorola Droid at work. A lot of phones have mapping applications, of course, but this one has free built-in turn-by-turn maps missing from others (ahem! iPhone!). Neat, I thought, constantly updating maps that I’ll need to refer to instead of the degraded freeways along the way. What could go wrong? Then I tapped the Navigation icon. Hello! What’s this? Mrs. Droid is now telling me where to go (you do seem to have that effect. – ed).

Not just which turns to take at the last minute, but advance warning as well. I would’ve liked some repeats and hoped that some voice input might’ve been rolled in as well, but I couldn’t get a response from “what?” “huh?” “say again?” or even “repeat.” I’m sure someone will comment that I’m missing something, but I’d love to know how to make it work better.

By the way, the judge dismissed me from a trial this morning after my halting, sputtering plea that I can’t afford to lose that much pay. The woman dismissed before me had her service rescheduled after explaining that she’d have to care for her husband after eye surgery. Eye surgery, people. I think I will never understand their system.

– bob

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Happy December First!

Mme. Puppy Dog
Friends,

The little girly puppy dog is sick. Could be the religious extremist** in town poisoning dogs to remove the demons on earth, could be that she ate something bad while in the desert. It’s hard to know at this point, and while she didn’t eat at all yesterday or her breakfast this morning, she looked well enough that I decided to head down to the Festival of Dirt this morning.

I suppose I should be honored that the Indian Wells Police Department thinks my elderly Jeep Grand Livingroom can go as fast as they say it was going this morning, but there’s a reason that Lidar is pronounced “LIE-dahr.”

Stupid Tuesday, indeed.

– bob

** Thanks to frequent commenter KC and her finely tuned lingometer for pushing me in the direction of using “extremist” instead of “fundamentalist.” There’s a huge difference between the two, but I think the former is much more accurate in this case.

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Our Amazing News Media – Something’s Missing Edition

Rustic, no?
Friends,

The news desk here at Jaunty Central is humming at least 24 hours a week to bring you aggregate the latest news about Idyllwild (or containing the word “Idyllwild” somewhere in the text). This morning, chilling news about a man who appears to be a pencil distributor. The Press-Enterprise’s own John Asbury has some, but not all of the details:

Man arrested outside Idyllwild school
6:15 AM Tue, May 12, 2009 | Permalink | Comments (0)
Posted by: PE News

An Idyllwild man was arrested Monday after deputies said he was offering children pencils outside a school.

A parent called authorities to report that a man tried to lure four 11-year-old students to his car to give them pencils outside the Idyllwild School, according to a Riverside County sheriff’s report.

Police arrested [some dude], 64, on suspicion of child annoyance and a probation violation.

I get the annoyance part. If he was handing out Wacom tablets and copies of Photoshop, they might have changed their tune a little. My question (and yours too, I would think) is what is this fella on probation for? My guess is not for the wanton distribution of writing implements…

– bob

UPDATE: Leave it to the Town Crier to flesh out the story. We still don’t know why this guy’s on probation, but J.P. still brings the goods in this week’s paper:

Man arrested at school

By J.P. Crumrine, News Editor

[Some dude], 64, of Idyllwild, was arrested last Friday on suspicion of annoying children at Idyllwild School. Principal Matt Kraemer sent a note home with the students alerting parents to the situation.

On Thursday, a man apparently approached several students and offered them free pencils to use for the state testing exams, which had already concluded. The man told children that if they accompanied him to his car, he would give them the pencils.

None of the students whom he approached complied. Instead, several came to the school office and reported the man, who was gone by the time Kraemer went searching for him.

On Friday, a suspect fitting the same description repeated his solicitation with an 11-year-old girl and her three friends who were on the school steps. Her parent reported this to the school and the Riverside County Sheriff’s Department.

While Kraemer was discussing the incident with a sheriff’s deputy, [that dude] entered the office area to complain that a parent had tried to abridge his free-speech right.

Kraemer escorted [that same dude] into his office and listened to his complaint. After informing him that the right does not carry onto school grounds and children, the officer arrested [the dude].

Late Friday morning, [creepy dude] was booked at the Southwest Detention Facility for annoying school children and violation of probation, according to Sgt. Stephen Mike of the Sheriff’s Department Hemet Station.

Free speech? Are you kidding? And by the way, how great is it that exactly none of the kids at the school fell for this joker’s “solicitation?”

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Jaunty News Alert! – Deadly Weapons!

Yeah, I got nothing.Friends,

It’s well-known that terror gangs are roving the streets of Riverside, California. Their currency is fear and intimidation, of course, and Press-Enterprise star reporter Tammy McCoy brings us the latest in this escalating maelstrom of violence…

Three people were arrested Wednesday after a pregnant woman walking with her 10-year-old child was pelted with oranges by a passing motorist, according to Riverside Police.

The woman was hit twice and had marks on her skin after being hit with oranges by people in a blue sports utility vehicle, according to a department shift summary log.

Police linked the same SUV to another incident and they were arrested, according got [sic] the log.

Fresh fruit doesn’t bruise people, people hurling fresh fruit bruises people.

[some dude who doesn’t need any more exposure], 19, of Riverside; his younger brother [brother of that dude], 18, also of Riverside; and [their idiot friend who also thought this was a good idea], 18, of Riverside, were arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, police said. They were throwing oranges at others in the area earlier in the evening, police said.

They bring a loquat, you bring a tangelo. It’s the Riverside way…

– bob

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This Amazing Year! – Vision Of Evil Convicted Of Evildoing

Oh, you know.Friends,

A Riverside County jury, after deliberating far longer than I would’ve required, has convicted Raymond Lee Oyler of murder and arson. Future resident of hell, Oyler, was found guilty of starting the Esperanza Fire, killing five firefighters and burning down homes. The penalty phase of the trial is anticipated to take up to four weeks to complete, but once again, I can speed up the process!

Let’s look at the facts: he’s been proven to be fond of fire, he looks down a lot, and we can really do without this guy hanging around. That’s right, I’m recommending exacting brutal vengeance! Either I’m recommending it, or the cold medicine is. You be the judge!

Your best pal in the whole (now brighter) world,

– bob

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Jaunty Dumptruck O’ News! Hemet Girls!

Ah, young love…

This story from the newly downsized Riverside Press-Enterprise captures the essence, the je ne sais quois of beautiful, romantic Hemet, California:

An apparent love triangle led an 18-year-old woman to beat a 17-year-old girl with brass knuckles during a party in Hemet, breaking her nose and disfiguring her face, authorities said today.

No, that sound isn’t Cupid’s arrows striking their target. It’s the small bones in her face crunching like saltines in a bowl of truck stop chili. But what could’ve caused this little imbroglio?

“Information obtained during the investigation indicated that the two young women had an ongoing dispute over a mutual boyfriend,” Pinney said.

Clearly, he’s quite a catch. It is Hemet, after all.

– bob

UPDATE: Looks like a certain petite flower is going to have her day in court today. What’s the charge Mister District Attorney?

Lynsie Elizabeth Caldwell was booked Tuesday on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, possession of a dangerous weapon, infliction of great bodily injury, mayhem and torture.

Whew! No kidding!

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Breaking Underwear News!

Another one from our good friends at the Riverside Press-Enterprise. I’m sure it’s linkbait, but what the heck?

A Santa Monica man has acknowledged he repeatedly called Rep. David Dreier’s district office in San Dimas and threatened to kill the congressman.

I’m not a huge fan of David Dreier myself, but this seems a bit drastic…

Thomas Aaron Brothers pleaded no contest to a felony charge of threatening a government official as part of a deal calling for a year in jail and a year in a live-in mental health facility. He will be sentenced Sept. 22.

Any relation?

Preliminary hearing testimony revealed the 41-year-old Brothers was upset that the government was preventing him from wearing women’s underwear.

If Tom had been paying attention, he would know that the government actually encourages people to wear women’s underwear…

– bob

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U.S. of China – Puttin’ On The Feedbag

Friends,

Now that you’re restricted from reading this lovely mess by say, Websense, fire up your feedreaders and point them here: http://feeds.feedburner.com/ajauntylittleblog. Let’s see if Mao’s Little Helper has stopped that.

Mouse to Cat—check.

– bob

UPDATE: (sounds like you’re striking back against the “crushing of dissent.” are you actually dissenting? -ed The truth is like a bouquet of flowers that smell bad! What’s the worry?)

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New Batteries In The Dorkbot

In a first for Mr. Jaunty’s media enterprise, I’ll be blogging the news of the dumb from the jury lounge at the Southwest Justice Center in beautiful (because it’s completely obscured by fog) Murrieta. First, I don’t think I need to tell you that free Wi-Fi is a great idea. Why, it’s what keeps us going!

I guess I’ll just keep updating this post throughout the day, rather than start new ones. Less confusing that way. Let’s get started with one half of a phone conversation overheard a little while ago…

7:45 AM “…yeah. I’m just telling you what the lady said. Yeah, I don’t have to go to jail. Right. The woman on the phone said that there was a warrant out, but the lady at the front desk said I’d just need to serve today. Yeah, that’s what she said. What? I guess I just forgot about those two other summonses… Why? Because I’m a schlomozzle, I guess. Because I’m a schlomozzle. I know. A schlomozzle. Okay, well, I just wanted to call to let you know I’m not going to jail. Okay, bye.

Yup. There’s no arguing that Laverne & Shirley references are pure comedy gold…

8:43 AM Spotted: Potential juror in Smith & Wesson Firearms t-shirt. Giant logo. Well done, Mr. I Don’t Want To Be On A Jury.

8:51 AM Paraphrasing judge giving opening remarks: “Jury duty blows. Suck it up crybaby.”

9:18 AM Observed: Total strangers in jury lounge now BFFs. Sharing anecdotes. Will never see each other ever again.

10:38 AM Missed the first wave of victims selected and there may not be another trial today. On the BFF front, I sat down next to two guys in their late 50s who have been sharing stories of their terrible medical maladies. “Hypertension?” “Me too! Diabetes too…” “Just got over the shingles. Boy that’s painful.” “My neighbor’s friend had that…” “Once I get my prescriptions filled, we’re going on a trip to Russia…”

10:46 AM Fun jury room hijinks! Guess how many signed in today? The number is 204! Um, whee. What do I win? The world-famous Superior Court pin. Lordy.

10:51 AM Wow, what a let down. The atmosphere was nearly electric during the Guess The Number game. Now the mood in the room is like 150 toddlers after a hard night of trick-or-treating. The fogeys are still yammering about health issues though. Complete biography in 30 minutes or less!

11:11 AM One of the fogeys is going on about his time at NASA developing ion propulsion engines (!). A project shelved for that stupid, bloated, overwrought space shuttle.

11:38 AM Nail-biting time. Will the second court go into session? Will they call another fifty people? Will they let us all leave early? Will lunch in Murrieta be an adequate substitute for this morning’s missed breakfast? Are there any more questions remaining to be asked? Who can tell?

11:48 AM Done! We’re out! It’s over! Whee!