Tag: punditry

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Jaunty Dumptruck O’ News! Trouble In Bolivia!

Friends,

There’s big trouble between the United States and some left-wing South American states. I know you’re concerned about these events and what they could mean to you, so I’ll try to explain them as clearly as possible.

Evo

Ambassador

Yugo
It’s a terrible situation in Bolivia at the moment. Leftist president Evo Morales (file photo, top) is supported by the poor and destitute in the West of his country, but is vigorously opposed by the moneyed interests in the oil-rich East. President Morales accuses our ambassador (pictured, center) of siding with those who oppose him and has ordered his expulsion.

We retaliated and expelled the Bolivian ambassador (photo not available), which I suppose is what you do in these things. But international buttinsky, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez (file photo, bottom) has sided with the Bolivians and has issued an order to expel our ambassador to his country. Naturally, we’re going to expel the Venezuelan ambassador to the U.S. in retaliation at some point.

Venezuela is the fourth largest importer of crude oil to the United States. Good night, honey. Sweet dreams!

– bob

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Armistice Day Declared, Ignored

Friends,

What kind of fresh hell is this? A.H. Belo Corp. is going to lay off a few dozen employees at my favorite punching bag, The Riverside Press-Enterprise. You know, the employees who didn’t take the buyout because, it must be assumed, they need the job. Here’s a little snippet from the article at the Providence Journal, another of Belo’s properties:

The number of layoffs at the Providence Journal was not provided, with the company noting they are “subject to contractual obligations.” The affected departments are news, editorial, advertising and promotion, according to the company. A letter A.H. Belo sent to employees said the layoffs would also affect about 50 positions at The Dallas Morning News and about 30 positions at The Press-Enterprise.

So the local fishwrap is going to lose about 150 people total between the buyouts and the layoffs. This is terrible news for the families of those employees and our thoughts are with them during this troubled time.

But the larger question is now how (he asked while lacing up his steel toe boots to commence the kicking) can we expect this institution to maintain its current high standards of reportage, integrity, and service to the community? How?

– bob

(via Romanesko)

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Because America Is An Idea

Pals,

McCain’s right, you know. America is an idea that’s been articulated many times and by smoother orators than he. Was his speech a homerun? How about a ground rule double.

Um, bold or something.
He inspired the partisans at the convention, but big whoop. It’d be easy to whip up a jolly green giant convention by speaking passionately about frozen peas, so that isn’t the best indication of success.

Sarah Palin apparently drew a touch over a million viewers fewer than Obama got for his speech last week. I’m watching MSNBC right now and the conventioneers appear to be pelting Andrea Mitchell with balloons on purpose. For that alone, you have to applaud the GOPers. Ms. Mitchell seems to have spent the last few weeks beclowning herself with bizarre partisan screeds, and this is the most effective passive-aggresive attack on the mainstream media I’ve seen lately. Hilarious.

So, who do you like now? I’m sticking with Senator Obama, but I’d like to hear from you. The comment board is open, so have at it…

– bob

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Jaunty Election Blorg: Batting .250!

Friends,

News comes this morning that John McCain has picked Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. NPR is calling it a “surprising choice,” but they hadn’t visited this space in August of last year. If they had, they could’ve reveled in my rationale for the Giuliani/Palin ticket facing off against Clinton/Obama.

See? I’m some kind of electoral genius!

– bob

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Meet The Obamas: You’ve Got To Be Kidding

Friends,

Hmmm, this Star Trek geek theory just keeps getting stronger and stronger. Just look where Senator Obama is scheduled to deliver his acceptance speech…

Sure, a temple at Invesco Field. What could go wrong?
A little detail..

Temple detail.
Yeah, that’s right. It’s a Greek temple. Grand, for sure, but perhaps out of place on a football field in Denver. Where might this seemingly random idea have come from?

Who'll mourn for Adonis?
Michelle, you’ve got some ‘splaining to do…

– bob

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Meet The Obamas: Mighty Presumptuous

Friends,

I’m glad I tuned into the Democratic National Convention this evening. After all, it’s not every day you can see drunk conventioneers wearing silly hats getting all misty-eyed over mental health reform (I feel bad for the woman they zoomed in on when that was mentioned though. It did kind of seem like the cameraman was outing her.).

Once I started really paying attention to Mrs. Obama’s speech, I noticed something curious…

A lovely picture of Senator Obama's wife.
Yeah, that’s right. She’s a Star Trek geek. Look at the outfit…

A lovely picture of Admiral Mendez.
And what’s this? She’s already promoted herself to Admiral? My word! I’m shocked! Shocked!

Admiral? I'd have thought Commodore...
Does this mean that they’re going to move the capitol to San Francisco? The Mars Colony?

– bob

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Nosy

Friends,

I haven’t been enjoying this cold/sinus/upper respiratory thing I’ve been fighting over the last week or so, but it’s made me painfully aware of noses lately. For instance, I would’ve thought that a giant nose would be bad for a swimmer. What with the greater potential for drowning and whatnot…

Shhh.
That seems to not be the case.

And then there’s the new commercial for the latest version of the Acura MDX—a profoundly ugly car by any measure, but that proboscis. Yikes…

Only a mother could love...
But somebody at the ad agency understands that selling something this hideous is going to be tough. Really tough…


This had to be intentional. Can you guess who’s singing? I’ll give you a big hint…

That fella must be a madman!

Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.

– bob

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Breaking Underwear News!

Another one from our good friends at the Riverside Press-Enterprise. I’m sure it’s linkbait, but what the heck?

A Santa Monica man has acknowledged he repeatedly called Rep. David Dreier’s district office in San Dimas and threatened to kill the congressman.

I’m not a huge fan of David Dreier myself, but this seems a bit drastic…

Thomas Aaron Brothers pleaded no contest to a felony charge of threatening a government official as part of a deal calling for a year in jail and a year in a live-in mental health facility. He will be sentenced Sept. 22.

Any relation?

Preliminary hearing testimony revealed the 41-year-old Brothers was upset that the government was preventing him from wearing women’s underwear.

If Tom had been paying attention, he would know that the government actually encourages people to wear women’s underwear…

– bob

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Kindle – A Wireless Reading Device

Pals,

How long has the Amazon Kindle been out? A year? The Riverside Press-Enterprise takes their first look today…

Barbara Roberts, director of library services/city librarian in Palm Springs and soon to be sworn in president of the California Library Association, saw a Kindle at a conference. It’s another in a generation of hand-held reading devices introduced since the late 1990s, she said.

The Kindle is very useful for travelers who don’t want to tote lots of books, she said.

But Roberts added, “Those who enjoy reading an actual book may not find this as pleasing because it’s an electronic device. It doesn’t have the same feel.

“You don’t turn the pages; a machine does that.”

Ladies and gentlemen, this woman’s gonna be the president of the California Library Association and she’s convinced that a machine is turning pages inside a Kindle. What she fails to mention is which slot one shovels the coal into so that the steam engine robots might continue their endless, unrewarding page-turning duties uninterrupted.

One also has to worry though, that these electronical reader thingys will mean the end of books. Here are some reassuring words from our resident tech analyst…

But hardbound and paperback books will always be around, she said.

“In my opinion, I don’t believe it’s a threat to books,” Roberts said. “Not at all. The hand-held book will always be the method of choice for the majority of readers.”

Whew! What a relief.

– bob

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Tin Ear Alert: Gas Taxes Too Low!

Um, right.

It seems that Americans have been cutting back on fuel consumption, which is fantastic. We’ll cut back on unburned hydrocarbons entering the atmosphere, send less money to foreign powers that we don’t particularly agree with, what could go wrong? I’ll tell you, bub. Sure, you’re pretty smug about that electric car of yours, but what about the crumbling bridges!

That’s right. We’re paying fewer taxes into the highway transportation fund because we’re buying less fuel. Apparently, that’s bad. The solution bandied about by the usual suspects is that, clearly, the gas tax must rise to compensate for the shortfall. We’re using less gas because it’s too expensive, so the solution is to make it more expensive. The president, meanwhile, thinks we should just outsource the problem and sell the highways to private companies so that they can collect tolls. In an unconfirmed story by an unnamed official, the administration is also considering hiring trolls to live under bridges and ask drivers three questions before they may cross. If this fleecing continues, there may be a lot of takers for the new Federal Onsite Highway Overpass Metering Engineer jobs.

– bob

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Red Flags

Friends,

Today, being the first day of July, is marked by the extreme fire danger in my little plot of paradise. Will some damn fool decide that his need to see things flashy and sparkly and boomy override the public’s right to not live in a giant ash bin? The safe and sane fireworks stands are open in the desert this week. Cathedral City (home to the Jaunty Parents) and Indio (the “City Of Festivals,” primarily of dirt) have thrown caution to the wind and decided that fireworks should be legal! Whoopee!

I hope their fire departments are willing to drive up the hill to help out. You know, if it should prove necessary.

– bob

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An Unpopular Question

Friends,

Speaking of punishing gas prices, particularly in California where the average price is generally fifty cents more per gallon than the rest of the country (except alaska and hawaii. – ed), remind me why we’re not doing more domestic drilling. There are rich untapped deposits of oil right off our coasts, oil shale just sitting there in the upper Midwest, and **gasp!** the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

Should we just get used to five and six dollars per gallon and hope for some neat magic battery technology for our new cars? Can you really tell me that public transportation is the answer? Remember that Riverside County canceled bus service to my little town in the ’80s due to lack of ridership. And that was the short bus.

Frankly, I’m inclined to slap that silly grin off of the pundits who think that high prices are good. They posit that we’re saving the planet by reducing our gasoline consumption, like it’s a merry choice happy citizens are freely making. We still live in a big country with vast spaces between where we are at the moment and where we need to be for the next appointment. And more often then not, the bus doesn’t go there.

– bob

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Happy Gay Marriage Day!

Dearly Beloved,

Today is the day that same-sex couples can start legally marrying here in the great state of California. Of course, this is controversial and many religious groups are opposed. So opposed that they’ve collected signatures to put an initiative on the November ballot to quash gay marriage once and for all. They are missing the point.

Suddenly adding a brand new pool of married people will be a tremendous economic boon to the state. Sure the wedding industry will prosper, but think how the market for divorce attorneys, custody mediators, and others in the Break-Up Industrial Complex will explode! Now that commitments between life partners are legally binding, separations become that much more complicated and harrowing.

Note to religious fraidy-cats: You’ve got nothing to worry about here. The GLBT (and other letters of the alphabet, I’m sure) folks just want a piece of the cake. They’ll find out soon enough that the grass isn’t all that green on your side of the fence.

– bob

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Wheat Fancier

I think I'm gonna start a riot.Friends,

This is a cute story about some environmentalists:

A Canadian magazine will be making history Thursday — Canadian Geographic is publishing its annual environment issue on paper made from wheat, a first for a North American magazine.

The issue is being printed on sheets made with wheat straw — what’s left of wheat after the grain harvest.

The magazine says adding agricultural waste to pulp from trees could offer farmers a new source of revenue and cut the demand for pulp from the continent’s boreal forests.

Sounds great! Use the waste from food production. Besides, one of Canada’s largest crops is wheat. What a perfect use of a domestic resource…

The wheat-straw pulp used in the making of the issue was imported from China, where papermakers have been using wheat and rice for centuries.

Importing wheat straw! That’s rich! Next you’ll tell me that a Canadian team won’t contest the Stanley Cup this year.

Oh, sorry.

– bob