Strange Visitors From Another Planet
I’d just returned to The Lodge yesterday from an overnighter in the desert and settled in a bit when the dogs started losing their minds with the barking. Not “get out of here, damn squirrels!” barking, but the big warning that signals the arrival of mailmen, pizza delivery guys, or Jehovah’s Witnesses.
And there they stood, grinning, in their freshly pressed white shirts, holding the Holy Scripture (WTF Edition) in one hand, a copy of The Watchtower in the other. (those dogs are good! is there anything they can’t do? -ed How about get off the couch? – bob) Son Of Lurch had visited before, but this time he brought
. Things were going fine until they steered the conversation towards “everlasting life.” I’m okay with the idea in the abstract, but they got real serious and I was glad I was on my side of the chain link fence.</p>
<p>You see, what I remember from my childhood visit to funny Catholictown is this: You die, then go to Heaven, and hang out with Jeebus, his dad, and some other omniscient beings with cool superpowers “until the end of time.” Fair enough. Imaginary, but that’s fine. What my guest were proposing was that <i>THIS</i> is Heaven, right here on this rock. The only thing we all have to do is worship at their church and then we’ll all live forever. Here. On Earth. Forever.</p>
<p>I’m telling you, when Bob Hoskins (he was funny in Roger Rabbit, wasn’t he?) flipped over to Revelations, my eyes glazed over like a diabetic staring at a 500 lb. praline. Good gravy, we weren’t going to get rolling on this end-times jazz, were we? The conversation had to end. I had to do something, and fast. I know! I’ll make Bob Hoskins cry!</p>
<p>“You know, that’s kinda Magical Thinking on your part, don’t you think? I mean, really. Do you get to pick what age you’re going to be forever? Will there be more people born to live here on this little planet forever? Forget about running out of stuff like food, won’t housing prices go up—forever?”</p>
<p>“I don’t think you understand…” [sniff…]</p>
<p>And that was it! I made them cry, they said their goodbyes, and that was that.</p>
<p>They’re going to do a little research and stop back next week though. I think I’ll be out of town (or a reasonable facsimile thereof, like closing the blinds and staying real quiet) just because I’m not real interested in their answer. At all.</p>
<p>Your pal,</p>
<p>bob</p>
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