The Bright Side

 

Friends,

It would be easy to sit around and mope during times like this. The job market here in rural, unincorporated southwestern Riverside County is pretty grim. We appear headed for an inflationary period in the next six months (or less! -ed). The California state budget is a shambles. Political parties are at each other’s throats. There are natural disasters, manmade disasters, wars, strife, insurrections—what’s a sane American to do?

I don’t know about you (that’s not entirely true. -ed Shhh!), but I think there’s a lot of opportunity out there right now. Sure, I don’t know exactly what it looks like yet, but there’s surely a way to play the hand we’ve been dealt without losing our shirts, don’t you think?

I think I’m going to go ahead and call this “guarded optimism” for now. How are you doing?

Your pal,

– bob

Super Fun Friday Part III: Enjoy Your Cheese Sandwich Edition

Nagasaki burning. Good lord.

 

Friends,

Actually, there are many high-powered fans ready to receive many thousands of pounds of solid human waste for distribution throughout our little, unassuming Festival of Dirt this Friday. Some people call this “creative destruction.” As you know from, well, life, this never works in the real world. Ever.

We’re doomed.

– bob

Earthquake Watch 2011! – Fallout Edition

ol' buddy, ol' pal.

Friends,

It’s been a couple weeks since horrifying devastation was wrought on Japan by a magnitude 9.0 earthquake and giant tsunami, but what we seem to continue to focus on isn’t the human tragedy, but the threat of the unchecked release of radiation from the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant. Some people I trust don’t think we should worry about it here on the left coast of the United States, which makes perfect sense to me. Some suggest that the plant was bound to fail in the first place. All I know now is that it’s time for everyone here in unincorporated rural southwestern Riverside County to lose your minds because they’ve found radioactive isotopes from the Fukushima plant in a collector in Riverside. Shhh!

The amount they found is as tiny as you would expect according to the monkey botherers over at the EPA [warning: PDF link]. All the usual suspects are here though. You’ve got your iodine, your cesium, your tellurium; all stuck to a little gizmo waving around up in the green-gray atmosphere of Riverside, CA. How much? The press release doesn’t say except to patronize us with a “100,000 times less radiation than a roundtrip international flight (to chernobyl? -ed)” line. We’re big boys and girls (speak for yourself. -ed), we can take the numbers. If anything at all has come of the calamity that has befallen Japan, it’s that we’ve all become amateur physicists through the reporting.

Of course some people seem to be having difficulty adjusting to this new world we’re facing. Take for instance the fellow in Hemet who took after a couple people with a samurai sword yesterday. I know you’re thinking two things; first, aren’t the Hemet police under siege from deadly gangs of dentists? Why yes they are, but things have calmed down to the point where they could immediately arrest the assailant. The second, and most important question you have must be, what does this have to do with that?

Certainly not this. Or this hysterical tripe.

– bob

Earthquake Watch 2011 – Japan! Edition!

Friends,

Early this morning, Japan suffered the largest earthquake in her recorded history with dozens and dozens of known casualties. Living out here on the left coast of the continental United States, we have a certain familiarity with quakes and tend to shrug them off as a rule, but magnitude 8.9 really made me sit up and take notice.

 

Our thoughts are with them as they cope with the aftermath of this disaster.

Your pal,

– bob

Division By Zero, Imaginary Numbers Confound The Elderly

Another aspirational photo.

Friends,

There are people who live in this world who seem to embrace the rut their lives have fallen into. That’s not surprising. What makes my head spin around is when those people become angry that something out of the ordinary has occurred within their scope. I was heading home this afternoon and had to perform a marginally flashy lane change to get around one of these people to hit the waning green arrow to make the left turn up the hill.

This garnered me the number three spot at the next light with the time to look in my mirror to see the passing victim plod through the intersection against what was surely a red light by this time. He ends up sitting in the other lane about three more cars back and leans out his window, “Hey! What’s your f[***]in’ hurry!” I turn around and shout back, “I gotta get out of here!” This was true.

True, but not complete. Ever since my friend Clare implanted the notion that the Valley is a vortex, sucking alumni back in if they’re not careful those decades ago, I haven’t been comfortable spending any more time than absolutely necessary. It has become a creepy place that must be avoided, or at least visited only briefly with a clear exit strategy. At the end of my workday, I gotta get out of there and I do with all the muster that the teensy tiny racecar can bring to the fight. My week-daily mania also extends to the people who would stand in the way of my goal of scratching and clawing my way out of their sea level hell.

Mr. Shouty was disturbed that I made my way around him. Around the lumbering chicane he was piloting without aim, heading back to what must be a just barely adequate home to wait out yet another few hours in his poorly drawn life. He was an em dash in the sentence of my day, but his outrage made me stop and consider my own motivation. Why had I considered him the embodiment of all that’s wrong with that dusty waiting room called the Coachella Valley? Why?

My real answer to him should have been, “what’s the hold up?” This beautiful life and the lovely things in it, particularly at the higher elevations where I reside, aren’t going to last. That’s obvious, but I’m also concerned that today’s angry man doesn’t approach this brief time afforded us with more urgency, or at least understand why somebody else might. His finger wag seems to be a surrender. He doesn’t have much of a destination and isn’t too fond of anybody who might have one of their own.

Of course I’m reading much more into this than the plain facts present, but I don’t care all that much. What I do know for sure is that the interchange was helpful in clarifying where I stand. Gasoline up here in my little burg is up to $4.19 a gallon for regular, which is an outrage, and slowing down for fuel economy’s sake seems like a good idea, but there’s no place like home. And there’s no place like this home.

Your pal,

– bob

Storm Watch 2011! – Motor Racing Edition

Snowy ridgeline. Friends,

I was supposed to head to the desert early this morning to see the vintage auto racing at the new Chuckawalla Valley Raceway in Desert Center. Unfortunately, something happened overnight…

Fun game: find the teensy little car! A foot and a half of snow fell on my little town and buried the cars. This wouldn’t be too tough to deal with except the local government hadn’t yet plowed the road, so I called off the trip.

Taken after the plows arrived. With the ice and snow on the ground and the new brakes I installed only yesterday, I wasn’t sure that traveling off the hill was a good idea.

Chilly forest time. Was watching the Daytona 500 on teevee a good substitute? Not at all.

Sticky. But the neighborhood is very pretty today.

Your pal,

bob

The Question: Aren’t You Chilly? Edition

Friends,

Here’s a brand new question, ripped from the headlines!

Would you rather…

ratchet up the drama at work,
or
hide out at The Tilted Kilt across state lines?

a) It’s Sweeps Week!
b) Who came up with this PR campaign? Brett Favre?

 

John! Marsha!

– bob

The Question: Looking For Fresh Brains Edition

Friends,

I know it’s difficult (and maybe even a little painful) to believe this, but The Question has been away since 2007. That’s a long time and we’re a little rusty, but my vivacious writing partner thought that we might give it another shot, so here’s your question for today…

Would you rather:

a) reabsorb a Smart fortwo;
or
b) announce your candidacy to be California’s First Dog?

a) I’m feeling a little gassy.
b) The Scottish Deerhound is up among 18 to 34s by three points.

 

That dog won’t hunt,

– bob

Birthday Holiday Season 2011! – Day 2

Friends,

Welcome to the 2011 edition of my birthday holiday season! As you no doubt recall, your birthday holiday season begins when you receive your first gift or attend your first birthday party and ends when the candles are blown out at your last party. It’s pretty simple, but it keeps the festive spirit of your own personal holiday going for days, maybe even weeks.

In addition to it actually being my birthday today and some rust belt state becoming giddy over a cheesesteak-stuffed rat bothering to come out of a hole, some other important observances are held today. For instance, Estonians celebrate the signing of the Treaty of Tartu today. In Iceland, it’s Bun Day. People in the Philippines reflect on their constitution today, which seems appropriate considering that it’s their Constitution Day. It is also World Wetlands Day. A day when all of the world’s lands become wet, which explains quite a lot.

If only tomorrow were International Snowplow Day.

– bob

Happy Friday of Anger!

So sad. Maybe your millions of plundered dinars will make you feel better. Friends,

As you may have heard, the people of Egypt have taken to the streets today after Friday prayers to pressure octogenarian despot Hosni Mubarak to finally step down. Will the military and police prevail and snuff out this uprising? Should Mubarak, the man who took over after the assassination of Anwar Sadat and soon after declared emergency rule be allowed to remain? What does the Egyptian government’s ability to shut down almost 90% of internet access in that country say about our own government’s hope to be able to do the same? Why is the Obama administration so worried about suggesting that police brutality aficionado Mubarak take a hike?

Hosni Mubarak. Christ, what an asshole.

Good job, Egyptian protesters! Don’t let the Muslim Brotherhood co-opt your movement!

– bob

NOTE: Please listen to today’s episode of The Bugle [MP3 link]. Andy and John take an Egyptian government overthrow victory lap that mustn’t be missed.

Crime Watch! – That Is Not My Goat Edition

 

 

Friends,

I found the shooting rampage in Tucson, Arizona last weekend and the ensuing crap storm in the media about which political ideology to blame to be too much and turned off the news for a while. You know, until the rhetoric cools down a bit. What I did not anticipate was that the mood would cool down this much

Highway Patrol officers appear to have foiled a suspected goatnapping east of Hemet.

That’s right, people. We’ve got goatnappers in Valle Vista

Officers pulled over a suspected drunken driver late Tuesday night near East Mayberry Avenue and Girard Street south of Florida Avenue in Valle Vista, said John Welsh, spokesman for Riverside County Animal Services in an e-mail. A passenger in the truck tried to flee on foot “but fell flat on his face,” Welsh said.

Wild night out? I wonder if he might have some regrets in the morning.

CHP officers then discovered the driver’s second passenger, a goat sitting in the front seat.

Please say it’s not a female goat. Please say it’s not a female goat. Please say it’s not a female goat…

“Neither man seemed to claim the female goat as their own, so we suspect the goat might have been stolen,” Welsh said.

“Hey! How’d that get in there?” he said scratching the officer’s head, being too drunk to find his own. Please Mr. Welsh, let there be a happy ending…

He did not know if the driver and his passenger were arrested, but the goat was taken to the Riverside County-City Animal Shelter in Pedley.

Thank goodness! Pedley, as you know, is a sanctuary city for goats.

Or am I thinking of Menifee?

– bob

IMPORTANT UPDATE: It turns out that everyone is doing it…

 

Hello, My Name Is Betty. How May I Help You?

Friends,

This fine photo showed up on Cult of Mac this morning and it brightened my day. Seriously, how is Apple’s market share still 10%?

– bob

ATTRIBUTION UPDATE: Yes, this great picture came from the Cult of Mac blog, but where did they find it? It was taken by Anita and Amit Vachharajani (both of them? -ed Yes, both. Shhh.) while on a trip to Tamil Nadu. If you have the chance, please go visit their blog about “books, babies, life, and everything in between.” That’s a lot of ground to cover, but they seem to make a bold effort to cover it all. Thank you Amit and Anita!