Author: bob

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Question Answered

Pals,

My vivacious writing partner and I craft a question for your edification nearly every day (I’ve missed a couple lately due to work shenanigans, see the next post for a Genius! moment). She sends our product out to her custom mailing list and expects response. I post the thing here and am less expectant of an answer. It’d be neat if you did (I’m looking at you, cloaked New Zealander) in the comments, but what can you do. We used to think that the Intertubes would be participatory. A two-way conversation across the broad divide. Turns out it’s more like the tube. You look, you change the channel.

This is a minor gripe of mine, but at least one person has gone to great lengths to participate. In fact, this may be the most extraordinary response to any single post here. You remember the question from a couple days ago:

Would you rather…
move your morning radio show more upscale,
or
more lowbrow?

a) The Ante Meridiem Managerie with Mister Corpulent and His Associates
b) The Poop Show.

And this response during an anti-war rally that astoundingly occurred before this question was even posted.

We write, you decide.

In the future!

– bob

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Cripes, You Didn’t Just Bake Cookies

Would you rather…
be blamed for everything and responsible for none of it,
or
be the block captain for your neighborhood Hillary In ’08 club?

a) The Coriolis Effect
b) Take that Vilsack!

Did you know that the Internet swirls anti-clockwise in the Southern Hemisphere? Go ahead, Google it.

– bob

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We Test Very Well With Tweens

Would you rather…
move your morning radio show more upscale,
or
more lowbrow?

a) The Ante Meridiem Managerie with Mister Corpulent and His Associates
b) The Poop Show.

Caller ten, right now, scores two tickets to La Boheme!

– bob

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The Editorial Meeting

Friends,

I spent the weekend in America’s Finest Just Okay Merely Adequate Barely Passible City for work-type meetings and have had a surprisingly good time. Surprising, after Friday’s meeting called by the higher-ups about how we suck. That wasn’t exactly name of the event. Something about data collection and reports and the dullness and dryness that middle management functionaries wallow in, but I’m mostly not allowed to talk about it. I guess they’re very sensitive. You know, about their crabbiness.

The funny thing is this. I called it a week ago. I accused them of holding a grand “finger-pointing exercise” and wanted no part of it. Tempers flared, accusations were leveled, and my presence became mandatory. Speaking of inappropriate, I probably shouldn’t have told Mr. Boss “I told you so,” but that’s how it went. Cripes, what a nightmare.

But wait! What about the mailbag? We don’t have a mailbag. Okay, we do, but nobody sends anything to it. That’s not to say the we don’t receive criticism. Let’s chat with the editor:

  • yeah, apparently you’re a right wing jerk. – ed
  • Um, what? Me? Mister peace and love?
  • well fruitcake, you supported the war, and you’ve got this free market, anti-immigrant thing going on.
  • Wait a minute, anti-illegal immigrant, thank you very much.
  • well, ain’t that cute. you’re against people fleeing their corrupt, third-world existence to the promise of a better life. nice.
  • Only when we’re paying for it.
  • small-l libertarianism. isn’t that the current vogue?
  • Not anymore, I guess. It’s a post-partisan world now. Or didn’t you see the State of the State speech.
  • and the war?
  • I’m going with the moderates on this one. Right war, wrong time.
  • are you kidding me? you’re supporting that brain-dead idiot?
  • Can you hear yourself? He’s a knucklehead and he’s botched the middle and the end part. Maybe Obama can fix it!
  • jeebus, i’m depressed.
  • Me too.

There was a little more in that meeting with the editor, but it was mostly gentle sobbing, and we held hands for a little while. In a totally manly way, though.

Your pal,

bob

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It’s The Cubicle Way

Would you rather…
irritate the nice OnStar lady,
or
be the next casualty in The Great Yummy Smells War?

a) [We call this “limp home” mode, chump.]
b) A fella brings a Cinnabun, you bring a Works Pizza.

Look, there are just some places you don’t ask directions to.

– bob

NOTE: No Question tomorrow or Monday due to the terrible human scourge called “meetings.” I understand that they’re designed to allow people to interact and exchange ideas in an honest, open manner. I also understand that I’ll never be able to get those hours back.

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Positively Dreadful

Would you rather…
audition for American Idol in character as the Cowardly Lion
or
Mr. T?

a) If I, was the king, of the dance-flooooor!
b) I’m goin’ to Hollywood, fool. But I ain’t flyin’.

We had to get this out of our systems.

– bob

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Box Stitch, Or Baffles?

Would you rather…
grow fleece-lined oranges,
or
cover your prize Bird of Paradise blooms in tiny down comforters?

a) Comfortable, relaxed fit. Available in sizes from kumquat to grapefruit.
b) We use only high-lofting 600-fill white goose down for maximum warmth.

We’re calling it the Fuzzy Navel.

– bob

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A Public/Private Partnership

Would you rather…
that your town is a little more dismal today,
or
in a rush of team spirit you vote to approve an expensive new stadium?

a) The cold, grimy streets seem a little more bleak…
b) One raw egg, chili powder, orange juice, then you drink it all at once.

At least snow would enhance what little brightness there is to be had.

– bob

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High Density Polyethylene Is You, Darling!

Would you rather…
issue a takedown notice to the website posting unauthorized pictures of your cat,
or
wear grocery bags over your expensive loafers to protect them from a light rain?

a) Mental anguish, loss of future income… Anything else Mr. Pookums?
b) Because I always want to look my best!

He just wants to spend some time away from the spotlight…

– bob

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You’re Fat! You’re Ugly!

Would you rather…
play the lead in The Yvonne De Carlo Story,
or
referee the “View/Apprentice” smackdown?

a) We’re looking for a vampire-religious figure type…
b) That’s no fair, he’s wearing his coach on his head.

The studio passed on The Life And Times Of Agnes Moorehead.

– bob

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A Bag Of Warm Hammers

Friends,

It’s time for another omnibus urp-blog. Excited yet? Who isn’t?

  • Idyllwild, CA – The wind storms last weekend were harrowing. The numbers came out in the paper saying that wind speeds were somewhere in the 35 MPH range. I really wouldn’t be surprised if they topped 50. The power went out on Sunday for a few hours, and I have to say that night is much darker here when the power is out than down in the light-polluted lower elevations. I dragged out the lantern and cars driving by actually slowed down to marvel at the mystery of that sole light source. Phenomenal.
  • Apple iPhone – I raised the point with the editors of The Unofficial Apple Weblog, but they seemed to dodge a bit. My thought is that the iPhone is awfully sexy and a design triumph for Mr. Ive, granted. Why, however, can’t I have just the iPod part without the phone? A touch/widescreen video iPod with a camera, mail, web browser, and Wi-Fi? I can certainly do without Cingular (and their $60 a month data plan, yikes.) so the only thing holding them back must be the competition with the base Macbook. Or competition with the phone itself. Maybe Q4. I hope my 4th generation iPod holds out that long.
  • President’s Troop Buildup – Sounds like Mr. Bush Goes To Cambodia to me. Y’all remember LBJ, right? He said nearly the exact same things, didn’t he?
  • The PR Stunt – I’ve been schooled on the nature of Mr. Kowalczyk’s comment. Apparently, he’s a really nice guy who is a longtime friend of Jimmy Two-Beers and thought that we’d like to know about the publication of the poem. I guess some of the comments I made were inflammatory. Who knew! All I saw was a press release, kinda. I must be very bitter and angry about something. At least that was the gist of the charge. Not angry.

Lots more tomorrow. It’ll be lovely.

Your pal,

bob

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i Need A Washcloth

Would you rather…
begin a Thuper ThighMaster Sales Marathon until you can afford to rebuild your Malibu home,
or
have your iPhone banned from Kentucky Fried Chicken for all the wrong numbers you’ve dialed?

a) At least I don’t have a bottom as big as Iraq!
b) (911) 911-9119

The celebrities are sad, won’t you please help?

– bob

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The Model Of Efficiency

Would you rather…
that your pancreas is impounded because you couldn’t show proof of health insurance,
or
get approval for your surgery at the DMV?

a) Sir, do you know how much insulin you were producing?
b) It says here you’re due for an emissions check.

Keep this card in your wallet. Keep this card in your…

– bob