Author: bob

My Kidneys Hurt

Would you rather…
cross a sousaphone and a poodle,
or
fit 28-inch chrome spoke wheels on your stylin’ 1994 Corolla?

a) Polkadoodle
b) Donk!

Yesterday’s Winner: I don’t know! Aw c’mon, she’s been dubbed. Right?

A one, and a two,

– bob

Man, That’s Heavy

Would you rather…
have a three-second pause between what you say and what people hear,
or
fill your spice rack with preparations that impart meaning instead of flavor?

a) …reporting live from the Sea of Japan
b) Sea of Tranquility Salt

Friday’s Winner: Another low voter turnout induced tie.

Oh, I get it.

– bob

The Second Amendment Is A Little Vague On This

Would you rather…
make a fuse for a Titan II rocket out of dental floss and duct tape,
or
buy your “Safe ‘n Sane” fireworks at the Army Surplus store?

a) MacGyver was my hero!
b) Move a couple more feet back, the 500-pounder is next!

Yesterday’s Winner: Another tie.

Can I borrow your lighter?

– bob

P.S. The Question is taking Monday the 3rd and Tuesday the 4th off. Enjoy the holiday!

Bango!

Would you rather…
convince the world you’re enriching uranium,
or
stage a fake missile launch for spy satellites?

a) Aw, who’re we kidding? Just give us money.
b) Say Cheese!

Yesterday’s Winner: Tie!

Bingo!

– bob

Hey Sisyphus!

Would you rather…
not rest until you’ve put a deep thumbprint in all the foam on the shuttle’s solid rockets,
or
demonstrate The Twinkies Cookbook: An Inventive and Unexpected Recipe Collection from Hostess at Whole Foods Market?

a) “Ever since we hid the bubble wrap…”
b) Would you like to try “Pigs in a Twinkie”?

Yesterday: “All those deputies and no one can get near him?”

And though the holes were rather small…

– bob

Smelly!

Would you rather…
be known as the “Tick Whisperer”
or
the “Citronella Kid”?

a) “You got to control yerself ‘fore you kin control yer tick…”
b) “I dunno, he seemed much more attractive in the wanted poster.”

Yesterday’s Winner: During the drought of ’86, we were the only ones on our block who could still use the Slip ‘n Slide…

Shhhh!

– bob

Ha! New Things!

Dear Contestants,

As things kinda settle down around here (and elsewhere, more on that in a bit) we can actually get back to some of the fun stuff we used to do. You may have noticed the return of The Question. For the uninitiated, my Lovely Writing Partner and I started the thing while we were working at the 27th Largest Marketing Firm In The Known Universe (by billings, or whatever). I posted The Question here, she sent it out to a mailing list that got silly large for a while.

One of the fun things about it for us was that we asked people to vote on which option they would prefer of the two unchoosable choices we presented. The members of the mailing list had it easy though as they had simple voting buttons to click. Readers here had to send me an email response in the old days, submitting a comment later in this site’s evolution. As a rule, the commenters here had the edge because they could not only hold their noses and answer today’s question, but also had a forum for suggesting the next one. Maybe not a complete question, but a thought, a thread, something we could work with. Some of our favorite questions grew out of suggestions so we’d like to continue the tradition now that we’ve brought it back.

Once again, we’ll produce the thing week-daily and we look forward to your feedback. Give us a week or so to work out the kinks (we’re kinda rusty) until we really get back into the swing of things. Our hiatus was long and during that time we had hit what you might call a rough patch. Okay, really rough. Now that things appear to be sorted out, we can get back to some of the fun bits which for us are the luxury items that made us and our friends laugh (or gag).

Besides, the schedule keeps me honest! (like all those times you say “more later” and you don’t write anything for a week? – ed Erm, yeah, like those times. – Bob)

Your best pal in the whole wide world,

bob

P.S. Oh, more new additions at Jaunty Central coming up. I have to work out the bugs in the gizmos, but it’ll be BIG! (or fairly good sized, at least!)

Now With More Lichen!

Would you rather…
find new uses for the jelly on top of SPAM,
or
try to sell Naked Juice’s Black Machine?

a) Once the donuts are filled, see about that squeaky door.
b) The iron filings aid digestion…

Friday: Parent’s signature? Crap!

What’s that smell?

– bob

We’re Back!

Would you rather…
find out your 3rd grade teacher is your real mom,
or
discover that your OB/GYN is your real dad?

a) The best five years of my elementary school career
b) I’d like a second opinion

Ahh, memories…

– bob

The Fourth Of July Is On A Tuesday People!
– or –
Cherry! CHERRY! dumbbell.

Dear Patriots,

The Calendar Cabal has conspired to drive the tourist public away from my little mountain paradise this year. Tuesday! That’s perilously near the middle of the week and I fear that people will freak about how much time they’ll spend away from their tedious jobs and feel deep regret if they have too much fun. You guys need to lighten up!

Good, that’s out of the way.

This was going to be some sort of thrilling report from my orchard. The cherry tree was loaded with fruit and only required a little bit more time until we could pick a regular bounty. Sadly, the birds’ harvesting meters are calibrated at RIPE-minus-ONE so they swiped greenish fruit and left me with roughly two percent of what I thought I’d get. Two! The remaining ones were awfully good though. I may even get a couple more from the tree this season if the critters leave the last little bunch alone. Keep your stems crossed.

Changing the subject a little, it seems that my wishful thinking at tax time a few years ago is once again rearing its ugly head. Back when I was severely underemployed and (kinda) contracting for The 42nd Largest Marketing Firm In The Solar System (by billings) I placed a little too much faith in the tax software and underreported income by a bunch. The Feds have received their blood money but the state now wants their fair share. Yeah, it’s a lot and comes only a couple weeks after the county got their supplemental property tax payment.

It almost makes you want to vote for the Libertarians, doesn’t it? Or the anarchists! (that’s an oxymoron, ain’t it? – ed Well, yeah. – Bob)

More sooner.

Your pal,

bob

The Triumphant Return Of AMC!
– or –
The Wussification Of Jeep!
– or –
Deiter Does Dinkytown.

UPDATE!

Friends,

There’s been a lot of crying lately in the automotive press about Jeep’s new not-Jeeps. The Compass and the Patriot. Both are front wheel drive, east-west engined, lilly-livered cousins of the (oy!) “not cute” Dodge Caliber. They’re economy cars in Jeep’s clothing. What the haters seem to miss is that there’s precedent for screwing with the Jeep brand from none other than the American Motors Corporation themselves.

Turn back the clock to the late 70s and remember, if you dare, how Japanese small pickups were flooding the North American market. The majors were scared of losing sales in a market that they weren’t competing in (!) so the scramble was on. Ford bought a piece of then-struggling Mazda and engineered some beautiful badges to create the Courier. GM bought a piece of Isuzu, made some equally fine badges, in addition to a marketing campaign, and gave birth to the Chevy Light Utility Vehicle (a name only a corporation could LUV). Dodge freaked, came late to the party, and badged a Mitsubishi pickup as a natural extension to the Ram name. Yeah, everybody fell for that.

AMC, the last of the independents, struggled for an answer. Having just purchased Jeep from Kaiser, they were out of cash. They weren’t out of most of their ideas though. They had just run out of good ones.

The House Of Hornet embarked on a plan, much as Chrysler is today, to cash in (or out) on the Jeep brand. The geniuses of Kenosha just knew that they could slap a Jeep badge on any old piece of crap and it would sell. It didn’t have to sell a lot, but enough to keep them in the game. To the horror of the purists, they introduced the Hornet-based, pickup car better known as the Jeep Cowboy.

Back thirty years ago though, cooler heads prevailed and understood that the concept was, well, dumb. A Jeep based on a car? That’s the dumbest thing ever! The public won’t stand for it! There will be howls of outrage!

And so, quietly, AMC’s bad idea was killed.

Chrysler’s brand new bad idea lives though under the guise of “brand extension.” But let’s review: EVEN AMC THOUGHT MAKING A JEEP OUT OF A CAR WAS A BAD IDEA!

I’m sure it’ll be fine. They have huge cash reserves to squander on this adventure, right?

Your pal,

bob

UPDATE: Apparently, I missed a key part of the “why is Compass really such a bad idea” argument. I should have thought of this earlier: the damn thing is ugly. How ugly? Maybe this comparison will help…

Any questions?

As Legend Is To RL and Catera Is To CTS…

Hello Obfuscator!

As recent visitor and boyfriend of recent visitor have pointed out lately, there’s a fair amount of false names, head fakes, and general whatsis going on around here. Anyone who’s been following these goings on since (eep!) 2002 has a handle on the whys and wherefors of the name changes and trickery. Those who are new to my little mess and its legal and moral imbroglios might need a tip sheet. You can’t know the players without a scorecard, after all. As always, if you need help with something that looks like I’m making it up, just submit a comment in Comments.

Okay, here’s the weirdest stuff:

San Diego’s Omnipresent Charitable Organization: Where I used to work until a few months ago. The I.T. Department has little to do with religion and the company claims that as well. Feeding, housing, and preparing the homeless for the big scary world is the mission there (did I say “mission?” Ooops.)

San Diego’s Omnipresent Charitable Organization’s Far Eastern Outpost: Where I now work. It’s the same deal as above, except in the desert. With heat. And many wealthy volunteers who likely feel so guilty about their personal wealth that they work in the kitchen every day at lunchtime serving mushy peas to the downtrodden. An affliction not suffered by the very wealthy in San Diego County.

The Dum Dum Team: A relatively new name that I’ve given to Bruno and Uta. They’re German Shorthaired Pointers that were adopted from San Diego’s finest and most dedicated canine rescue site. They’re breed-specific, so when (not if) you find that the hole in your heart can only be plugged by a pointer, go there and adopt a fun and fun-loving dog.

The Damp Dog Lodge: My lovely new-ish home in mile-high Idyllwild, California. Bring your Harley! Wear your Tevas! Pretend you’re a cowboy! We cater to all kinds of weirdos up here!

The 1912 House: Oh, you’ve dug into the archives, haven’t you? That’s my former lovely home prior to The Troubles. Somebody still lives there.

Somebody: You are curious, aren’t you? Hated her other made-up name. See the next entry.

My Beautiful and Talented Bride: Yep, just past tense, that’s all. See Somebody.

The Fourteenth Largest Marketing Frim (by billings): I don’t know how they’re positioned nowadays, but I used to work for them doing some writing deal. Apparently I was very good too. They gave me every raise I asked for, right up until I was laid off. Did I singlehandedly drain their coffers? Um, sure I did. [cough!]

My Lovely Writing Partner: You know, I’ve been friends with this woman for almost two decades (think on that for a minute). We’ve worked at three jobs together, and she continues to fail to be annoyed. I also know that she’s neither deaf (which would help her not hear my screeching) nor blind (which would help her not have to read this crap. – ed True! – Bob) so I don’t get it. And she knows her way around a turbodiesel! Scared yet?

Have I missed anything? Comments, please.

Your best pal ever,

bob

My Secret Car Crash (of sorts)

Friends,

Don’t tell anybody, but I’ve done something I promised I’d never do. I had a wee vehicular incident caused almost entirely by me. Considering that I was the only one affected, it wasn’t all that cataclysmic. Harrowing? And how. Vehicular damage? Almost nil.

Monday morning commute down the hill. It’s usually a non-event and I take my time (that’s my time, which is pretty quick, but it’s my own pace) but yesterday there was some hoon riding my bumper no matter what I did to try and shake him off. Short of playing the Slow Game, which the might Dakota isn’t any good at (no horsepower means no mid-range acceleration) I decided to put an end to the torment. Unnaturally, I decided to turn out in the first place, rather than the best place so while still at speed I let the blinker click twice and swerved out into the first dirt patch. It wasn’t dirt though and it was a little shorter than an actual patch.

The spot I’d “chosen” was paved, but covered in gravel so even the anti-lock robots failed to slow down the brave little truckster. The pedal shuddered without any actual, perceivable shedding of momentum. Good thing that big rock was there.

I was heading down a ravine and didn’t like the looks of the stuff I couldn’t see beyond and below the hood. Cranked the wheel hard left and stopped with nothing less than a bang. Oh yeah, the dust, tire smoke, stalled engine, that was all there too.

With the right front wheel in the ditch, my head not very clear (no physical impact in the cab, no airbags, just adrenaline) the shifter flung in reverse, I gunned it to get out and back on level ground. Did I mention the thing about the absence of traction? Pea gravel on pavement turns out to be a bitter enemy of my cheap tires and even though I spun the things really, really fast, I couldn’t get out.

Let’s consider how dumb this is getting for a moment (I did). Emotion overrode good sense in swerving off the road. At speed. I spent way too long to mash the brake to the floor to take advantage of whatever ABS could offer, and now I was sitting there spinning my wheels, thinking more about being late for work than about the repercussions.

I hit the life-saving rock with the side of the right front wheel, leaving the aluminum banged up and a tiny piece of the lip actually broken off. Otherwise, the wheel was straight and would still be fine to drive on if I took it easy. Breathe, move the rock, crank the wheels, rock the pickup to get out of my little “stuck” and I was back on the flat.

Honestly, I turned out of traffic nine times (in perfectly safe places) before I made it to work. Too spooked, I suppose, but my secret crash could’ve been much, much worse.

Like, a lot worse. Not kidding. Ravine. Airbags (maybe, if they still work). Bigger rocks at the bottom.

Time for a new job, methinks.

Your pal,

bob

P.S. No, I’m not getting the motorcycle. Just in case you were wondering.

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia!

Hooray! You knew there just had to be a word for it, didn’t you? By the way, I’m not impressed that 06/06/06 is anything more than the Mark Of The Actuaries. Which may actually be scarier.

Have a fine, erm, Tuesday.

Your pal,

bob

The Jaunty Little Marketing Department
Proudly Presents

Two Sentences From A Press Release!

“Either way, John Moore, the Irish director of “The Omen” remake—entitled “Omen 666″—realized that June 6 was too good a date to miss for a film about a sinister child named Damien who turns out to be the Antichrist. “It’s a fantastic marketing gimmick,” Moore said.”

[sigh]

– bob