Category: Uncategorized

Yawn.

Would you rather…

hold a three day telethon to raise money to fix a country you just blew up,

or

try desperately to generate interest in a textiles show at the Metropolitan Museum of Art?

a) Rummy’s Kids are asking for your help…

b) Explore the topsy-turvy world of 16th Century Japan!

Puh-leeze,

bob

Monster Air, Dude

Would you rather…

have an abdominal pouch where you can stash small valuables,

or

giant flaps of skin running from your wrists to your ankles?

a) I know they’re in here somewhere.

b) Rocket J. Human

Tie me check cut clerk down, sport,

bob

And The Gods Smiled Down

While the wedding in Tucson was lovely, the event was spectacular. Sure, we took pictures (384 of them), but I thought I’d take a stab at a description first.

We arrived at the Tanque Verde Ranch on Saturday. It’s a dude ranch using the pejorative form of “dude.”

2 : a city dweller unfamiliar with life on the range; especially : an Easterner in the West

Brits, Scots, and Germans tried their hands at ridin’ the range, but mostly got sunburns. We would’ve signed up for the rides included in our all-inclusive room rate packages, but we didn’t pack for that. We packed for a wedding, not a horseback ride. No boots, no hats, some sunscreen, inadequate shoes. That’s not to say we couldn’t find something to do though. We hiked around the expansive ranch property, through the saguaros, past the snakes (see below), over the rocks, and to the abandoned buildings along the rim.

Did I mention the other stuff? Pools, both indoor and outdoor. Tennis courts, a pool table in the bar, and nonstop eating. Either it was a sit-down meal or a buffet or some snacks in between. You could do nothing there but eat if that was your inclination, and clearly that was the favorite pastime of many of the guests there.

But I digress.

We enjoyed a Sunday morning filled with hikes and nearly endless meals before we hit yet another trail into the Saguaro National Monument for the ceremony. Thirty of us trekked nearly fifty yards from the trailhead to a spot framed by giant cactus for the exchange of vows. No minister, just the sky and the earth and family. Very fitting for those two, and I have to say, very romantic.

The natives living on the reservation invited as many generations as possible to partake in the reception. In some cases, four. All sweet, gracious, and grateful for the lovely evening, they danced and ate and praised the happy couple. Just wonderful.

Oh, the in-laws. Many showed up, including the bride’s step-family, who also love the bride dearly. It was quite a gathering, especially for a dude ranch.

I promise to post pictures within the next couple of days. It’ll be fun.

Your best pal,

bob

You Missed A Spot

Would you rather…

that you underperform according to analysts’ expectations,

or

pick up litter around a slovenly, indolent stranger for charity?

a) Missed it by that much.

b) Adopt-A-Slob

We’re very disappointed,

bob

Gee, I’m Thirsty

Would you rather…

take up residence in a rent-to-own trailer with your common law spouse on Knucklehead Road,

or

hike for miles through a snake-infested cactus forest to find a horse trough called Bob’s Bathtub?

a) It seemed like a good idea at the time…

b) Pass the soap.

Marla Sue, you get over here right this minute!

bob

Las noticias, si! Pregunta, no!

My Beautiful and Talented Bride™ and I are jetting off to Tucson this weekend to stand around with our teeth in our mouths watching her sister get married. As my own sister has recently testified, attending weddings can sometimes yield fabulous experiences. Let’s just hope that this will be one of them.

As a result, I don’t anticipate any posting this weekend, nor to I think we’ll get a Question out on Monday—despite the fabulous new hardware in my arsenal (more on that later).

Your pal,

bob

That’s Gotta Smart

Would you rather…

crash Roxy Music lead singer Brian Ferry into former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau,

or

get an aspirin endorsement contract after your twin is removed from your head?

a) Love is a drug.

b) Boy, do I know headaches…

Tragic,

bob

Technology Update

Friends, the reason that the Communications Department at the Omnipresent Non-Profit Charitable Organization distrusts the I.T. Department I’m temping for is simple. Our staff’s disdain for their Apple Macs. I should say, most of our staff. I think that the Mac people should be brought into the fold, sharing resources that everyone else has easy access to. The rest of the I.T. staff couldn’t be bothered.

While at work, I check mail though the web on my .Mac account. When the page is front-most, people walking by my desk get an eyefull of Appley goodness (then proceed to make rude comments). Today, I downloaded Apple’s iTunes for Windows (all 16 freakin’ megabytes of it, thank you) to my company-issued Windows XP machine, then shared its Appley goodness with anybody who’d listen.

“99 cents! 400,000 songs! What’s not to love?”

“Um, it’s against company policy to download MP3s.”

“What about MP4s? Does it say anything about that? Huh?”

Defeated again.

On a somewhat related note, I’m making unilateral decisions about their new phone system tomorrow—extension numbers.

Gasp!

This is as politically charged as you can imagine. Should the President get 1000? Should the numbers be very random instead? Will someone freak out if she gets 666? What about 1313? What’s the protocol for this kind of thing? But hey, for the time being, I’m a temp. If I make unpopular decisions, then they can pass it off as the work of an inexperienced schlub. Hopefully it won’t come to that.

On yet another note, I’m introducing my dear neighbor to the wonders of X-10 (yes, that X-10 of pop-up browser window spy cam fame). The task is mundane—to control a couple lights on a timer—but I think she’s hooked. I dropped off a bunch of modules I didn’t need, and she appears to be ready to go. If only I could find the time to set it all up.

Time!

Your pal,

bob

Frustating

Would you rather…

be a Cubs fan,

or

a U.S. weapons inspector in Iraq?

a) “Maybe next year.”

b) “Maybe next year.”

Agonizing,

bob

I Yield The Floor, Meow

Would you rather…

go to the moon with Chinese astronauts,

or

that the pet projects you inserted in the energy bill are actually projects for pets?

a) Shenzhou XXXIV

b) Woof!

Mr. Five-Year Plan,

bob

It Tickles

Would you rather…

wear antigravity underpants to the next Cubs/Marlins game,

or

be the first person to test a vacuum-powered nail clipper?

a) Aerial Coverage Provided By…

b) Toebee.

Dude, you’re high,

bob

Just Riffing On Schubert’s Die Forelle

Would you rather…

skid on oleo, rolling your Volvo over Lena Olin, James Brolin, Nolan Ryan, and Rolie Polie Olie,

or

stock your Koi pond with fish you caught in Lake Henshaw?

a) Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal!

b) It’s a special breed that floats on the surface…

Oh!

bob