Yeah, those are wheel weights stuck to the brake caliper on a 2010 Chevrolet Camaro. Sigh.
– bob
(from Camaro5 via The Truth About Cars. Thanks!)
Better Not Pout
Friends,
You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout and I’m telling you why; Passover begins tonight!
So be good for goodness sake.
– bob
This Amazing Year! – You Bring The Tar, I’ll Bring The Feathers
Friends,
I have a theory and it posits that the first people to receive proper pitchfork treatment from the enraged masses will be California legislators. I know, I know, there’s a good case to be made for the Chicago Mayor and his staff, but the fine people of the Second City strangely keep voting for that guy so they must love him. Besides, privatizing parking meters is merely shortsighted in my humble opinion.
What about the good stuff, like the party that runs this state? Capitol Weekly’s wise beyond his namesake Big Daddy describes the Democrats thusly:
The “party” is just a P.O. Box shy of a shell corporation in the Cayman Islands. It’s like -1 or your happy childhood—when you really stop to think about it, it doesn’t even exist.
Certainly it’s not merely a money pump. Isn’t there influence to be peddled there as well?
The job of party chairman is part babysitter and part money launderer. With campaign finance limits being what they are, the entire system is geared to move money through the political parties. It’s the party chairman’s job to make sure that everyone has their pot of money lined up, and that all the juice moves where it’s supposed to.
Sounds nice, but once the money and the power are in place, what should be done with it? The answer, clearly, is to advance The Agenda Of Idiots.
There’s a fun story making the rounds today about a study conducted by the tin-plate potentates over at the California Air Resources Board. Their recent presentation suggests that you’ll use more gasoline if your car is too warm inside and the air conditioner runs more. More gas means more warmy gasses coming out of your tailpipe which makes polar bears spontaneously drown. Their solution is mandating more reflectivity for surfaces of your car. Deeper tints on the windows, lighter paint colors. Black paint is a big fat bummer in this regard, so they’re studying the feasibility of legislating paint colors.
The special election coming up to ratify pieces of the recent state budget deal is anticipated to have the lowest voter turnout ever by percentage. Participating in the election might be a good way to avoid the “felony assault with a farm implement” charges. Just sayin’.
– bob
This Amazing Year! – I Scope The Lobe
Friends,
The economy is forcing most people, myself included, to put their heads down and stay out of trouble at work. If you’ve got a job, you know that you’ve settled in and have decided to put up with the knuckleheads in the office. They’re swiping staplers, asking you for pointless reports, and casting other meaningless grief onto your doorstep. What to do?
Absolutely nothing. Not until Q3.
[sigh]
– bob
Happy First Day of Spring!
Friends,
Springtime has arrived. The tiny flowers are in bloom, the hay is only considering becoming feverish, and everybody else seems to have ants in their pants (i prefer aunts. – ed). The weather down here in the Festival of Dirt has been mild over the last week as have the temperatures up on the Hill. The forecast for Sunday, however, calls for snow.
Photographic evidence to come…
– bob
New Baby Alert!
Friends,
As of very, very early this morning, my new nephew arrived in this world. From what I hear, everybody’s doing fine and young master William has all the requisite bits in place. Even in the right places!
I’m now that much more uncle-y! Ain’t it grand?
Your pal,
– (uncle) bob
This Amazing Year! – Vision Of Evil Convicted Of Evildoing
Friends,
A Riverside County jury, after deliberating far longer than I would’ve required, has convicted Raymond Lee Oyler of murder and arson. Future resident of hell, Oyler, was found guilty of starting the Esperanza Fire, killing five firefighters and burning down homes. The penalty phase of the trial is anticipated to take up to four weeks to complete, but once again, I can speed up the process!
Let’s look at the facts: he’s been proven to be fond of fire, he looks down a lot, and we can really do without this guy hanging around. That’s right, I’m recommending exacting brutal vengeance! Either I’m recommending it, or the cold medicine is. You be the judge!
Your best pal in the whole (now brighter) world,
– bob
This Amazing Year – Keeping Up Appearances
Friends,
You surely know by now that the domestic automobile industry is in shambles, with players scrambling for any advantage. General Motors has taken to raiding their employee pension funds, for example. Ford has mortgaged its headquarters building on top of the blue oval logo itself. Chrysler, the company that bought American Motors, has been seeking a partner. Renault, the firm that helped finally kill American Motors in the first place over two decades ago, has recently rebuffed Chrysler’s advances. So what is Chrysler to do?
They will have to team up with a well-known brand, famous for its quality and workmanship. A company that Americans will instantly associate with value for money and attention to detail. Clearly, that partner is Fiat!
Oh. Uh oh.
– bob
Credits: Photo courtesy Auto Express magazine, via Kausfiles. Thanks Mickey!
This Amazing Year! – Benevolent Personnel
Friends,
Every now and again in life something unexpected happens that brightens your day. You find a five dollar bill in a coat pocket, the report on your latest physical shows that you’re in better shape than you had any right to expect, maybe the local menacing vagrant holds a door open for you. Me? I have apparently ordered tickets on Delta Air Lines [sic]:
Thanks for the purchase!
Booking number: ES8H3APD
You will find attached to this letter PASSENGER ITINERARY RECEIPT of your electronic ticket.
It verifies that you paid the ticket in full and confirms your right for air travel and luggage transportation by the indicated flight Delta Air Lines.On board you will be offered:
– beverages;
– food;
– daily press.
You are guaranteed top-quality services and attention on the part of our benevolent personnel.We recommend you to print PASSENGER ITINERARY RECEIPT and take it alone to the airport. It will help you to pass control and registration procedures faster.
See you on board!
Best regards,Delta Air Lines
The sender of this message, shown as support@delta.com is actually somebody else whose address I won’t reproduce. Why? Because he’s too benevolent, of course. Attached to the email was a helpful Passenger Itinerary Receipt in the form of a ZIP file. Normally I would be suspicious and not open that file, but this is Delta Air Lines after all! Sure, I hadn’t even ordered these tickets, but aren’t you curious to know what exotic destination they’re sending me to? Besides, I have a booking number, don’t I?
What could possibly go wrong?
– bob
Happy Ash Wednesday!
Friends,
Today is Ash Wednesday, the day that some say is the international day of volcanic eruptions and forest fires. It could be related to cricket in some way (whatever that is. -ed). All I know is that certain individuals will be traipsing around my workplace today with smudges on their foreheads placed there by the CEO himself. Better than a boot mark on the buttocks, I’d say.
Get out your Swiffer and enjoy!
– bob
This Amazing Year! – Happy Mardi Gras!
Friends,
Today is Mardi Gras, the last day before Lent begins. I, for one, will be whooping it up by making pancakes. Yup, I’ve completely gone off the rails. Is there nothing I won’t do?
– bob
P.S. It’s also worth mentioning that Abe Vigoda (who is not dead, so just stop it. – ed) turns 88 today, and the calendar used today by most people except kooks and Pope Gregory XIII haters was invented by Pope Gregory XIII on this day in 1582. So happy birthday Mr. Vigoda and happy birthday Time. You both don’t look a day over infinity.
UPDATE: Had to replace the photo and the link. The old one was getting blocked for some reason.
UPDATE II: Changed the pancakes link to point to a Wikipedia section on Shrove Tuesday. You’re welcome!
This Amazing Year! – Three State Solution
Friends,
With news that Los Angeles County is exploring the options of withholding tax revenues from Sacramento if the state suspends payments back to counties, I had a thought. What if the other counties did the same? Would state government collapse?
Maybe that’s a good thing.
It’s a big state and there are fairly sharp ideological schisms between North and South in particular. I’ve long advocated splitting the state in two, but that seems unworkable for a number of reasons—mostly in where to make the split. The yammering classes have suggested a Three State Solution for Iraq. Wrong country, but maybe the right idea for California. Northern, Central and Southern California, anyone? Divided roughly into thirds, each section would have roughly the same economic power of the others. Roughly the same problems. Roughly the same group of dysfunctional built-in politicians.
The plus side for Southern California, which I’m concerned about, is that the seat of government would necessarily be much closer. The voices of the people here proportionally much larger in the ears of state government. Yes, we lose our big national electoral stick, but that helps to keep hacks like Nancy Pelosi from gaining more stature than they actually deserve. I think you can agree that’s a good idea too. Oh yeah, more stars on the flag.
I thought a week ago that merely disbanding the California Air Resources Board would be enough. Before that, redistricting. Now my only hope for the state is to kill the damn thing and start over. It looks like the counties are doing the job for us.
– bob
UPDATE: Added link to Pelosi’s gaffe about 500 million Americans losing their jobs every month. The now famous “Dumber Than Soap” video.
This Amazing Year! – Time For Change
Friends,
A wave of events, like a red tide washing trash and medical waste onto the beach, has come to pass that has, in my humble opinion, presented the opportunity to kill a loathsome beast. That monster, one that has not a single name but two, not one head but eleven, has taken the task of destroying the great state of California to its scaly bosom. That we will prosper and succeed as a state is antithetical to its unrepentant joy over its own lust for power over and control of the citizenry. When the sun shines and this scabrous vermin scurries behind the baseboards, who calls its name? What demonic appelation does this bilious stain answer to in the halls of Sacramento?
The California Air Resources Board.
This state is broke. That’s well known. Certainly cuts can be made to save the jobs of your average and pleasant DMV worker. In lieu of issuing IOUs to tax refund recipients, wasteful programs can be eliminated. I suggest killing CARB. Not only that, but I have suggested this path to the California EPA. Yes, infanticide. I’ve started my campaign with a friendly letter:
As a fourth generation Californian, I am angered greatly by the actions taken by the California Air Resources Board. In their latest turn to punish electric car conversion companies in the state then reverse that decision, I feel that this board is ill-suited to take on the air quality issues that affect us all. Rather, they have truly become a self important fiefdom, legislating the destruction of the California economy with a deft hand along with a tin ear. They do not represent us, they are not accountable to us and they must be dissolved.
Particularly callous has been their regulations against wood-burning heat during this particularly cold winter. A great many people, myself and my neighbors included, rely on wood as an economical alternative to electricity and propane to stay warm. The Air Resources Board has become the enemy of average citizens of this state, of anybody working towards a green economy in the future, and energy independence in general.
I am asking your advice during these trying economic times on how we, the citizens of this once and surely future great state, can disband the California Air Resources Board. Will this require a ballot initiative? What legislation enables this board? Is there separate enabling legislation that must also be overturned?
Thank you for your assistance in this urgent matter.
The best part is that the CARB Ombudsman responded—kinda.
In 1967, California’s Legislature passed the Mulford-Carrell Act, which combined two Department of Health bureaus–the Bureau of Air Sanitation and the Motor Vehicle Pollution Control Board–to establish the Air Resources Board (ARB). On February 8, 1968, the first meeting of the ARB was held in Sacramento. Legislation must be initiated to eliminate the ARB. Please contact your local state representative to discuss this matter. If you have any questions or need additional information regarding air quality issues please contact me. Thank you for contacting the Office of the Ombudsman.
Philip A. Loder
Deputy Ombudsman
Air Resources Board
Office of the Ombudsman
(916) 322-2467
All we need to do is put an initiative on the next ballot! How hard could that be? All I need to do is collect enough signatures, based on the turnout from the last general election…
Oh, right.
– bob
This Amazing Year! – Chicks Dig It
(Girl)Friends,
You’ve had it rough for a long time. Between paying too much for health insurance and making less money at work, it would be understandable if you were a little cranky. These disparities (up to 39% more for an individual health plan? outrageous.) are being addressed this week in separate actions designed to stop those practices going forward. What took so long?
You could say that this year has been reasonably great so far, but you’d be wrong. It’s been amazing!
– bob
This Amazing Year! – Iceland Melts Down (updated)
Friends,
The global economic crisis has struck Iceland particularly hard and her population has noticed and taken to the streets. The rioting over governmental and business malfeasance in racking up huge debt has even involved hurling yogurt at the prime minister. Yogurt, people.
We might’ve anticipated the riots in Greece since their unemployment rate is staggering and their government isn’t exactly ready or able to do anything about it. Iceland though, is a special case. They’re leveraged to the hilt with among other nutso financial instruments—deep breath now—mortgage-backed securities! Hooray!
Icelandic banks are collapsing left and right with no real chance of insurance for depositors. Calls for early elections are getting serious traction at the moment (why not? some of those people have yogurt.), markets have stopped trading their currency and the IMF is propping that currency up with emergency cash. Doesn’t this only happen to third world countries? Not anymore.
Sigh.
– bob
UPDATE: Ain’t this a fine kettle of herring? It appears that the Icelandic government has finally collapsed. Prime Minister Geir Haarde got smacked around by the Social Democratic Alliance Party and was forced to disband government. “I really regret that we could not continue with this coalition, I believe that that would have been the best result,” Haarde told reporters that I presume included the Associated Press (where I borrowed that quote from in its entirety). Clearly it would’ve been the best to keep the old people in power to fix the problem, much like it’s a great idea to keep the current management of GM in charge of their bankrupt behemoth. Of course you want to dance with the one that brung you, that’s only polite. But if your dance partner is bringing you to the edge of total destruction, maybe it’s time to tear up your dance card. Just saying.