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Would you rather…
place a personal ad with the Business Cycle Dating Committee,
or
bring your pressure washer to create snow for the French Valley Festival of Kids Who Don’t Know No Better?
a) SWF Actuary enjoys long nights curled up with GL…
b) Yeah it’s pink, Jack Frost has been detailing cars, okay?
I felt like such a commodity in the Open Market Committee.
– bob
Would you rather…
drop out of your elite prep school,
or
stop formulating baseless conspiracy theories about a senator?
a) Couldn’t handle the homework for my chattering classes.
b) Where’s your tinfoil hat now?
“I simply must do something else famous.”
– bob
Would you rather…
lead your neighborhood in what will be known as “The Candy Caine Lane Mutiny,”
or
form “The League of Extraordinary Santas“?
a) Mister, there are four ways to do things on my street…
b) Viejo Pascuero, meet Joulupukki…
I don’t want to upset you too much, but at the moment you have an excellent chance of being hanged.
– bob
Friends,
The joyous holiday season is upon us, and that means only one thing at my house—dogs! I’m picking them up this weekend for their annual fortnight of eating my books and being miserable in the cold. I’ve missed having them around, and it appears that they’ve been busy while away…
Apparently, Mayor McCheese and his executive assistant Candida Hamm were conducting a promotional photo shoot for fall outerwear when who should arrive on the scene? The Girly Dog! What terrible injustice can’t she solve?
I think the Iraq Study Group could offer an 80th recommendation…
Your pal,
bob
Would you rather…
have your town removed from the official state map because it “no longer fits,”
or
stop using bio-diesel because the exhaust smell gives you the munchies?
a) Hated Rand, loved McNally though…
b) I’m going to miss those continuously variable trans fats…
The Lieutenant Governor couldn’t read anything under 24 points.
– bob
Would you rather…
claim that you were tricked into being an idiot on film,
or
sell your copies of Princess Diana’s final phone calls on eBay?
a) “And the Oscar for best supporting dupe in a fake documentary goes to…”
b) Five Stars! – Billy C. is a great seller, prompt delivery
Cameras? There were cameras?
– bob
Something seems to have changed around here, but I can’t put my finger on it. I can feel it. What could it be? Maybe memory aids will help:
Nope. I still have no idea.
Ah. It’s the new article tags. That’s it. Pesky taggers.
Your pal,
bob
Would you rather…
assume that the next thing anybody says will be the worst thing possible,
or
the best?
a) I knew it wasn’t just a rash…
b) draft[you]dictatorforlife.org
It’s the transmission AND the computer, isn’t it?
– bob
Okay, not really. We got a half an inch last night and some of it stuck throughout the day. Bad news: the temps stayed in the upper twenties. Good news: hey! it’s our first snow of the season! (awfully late, don’t you think? – ed Well, yeah. I blame Global Drying. After all, it’s not like it hasn’t been cold.)
So, we’re not going to die. The puddles aren’t even deep enough to get your shoes wet (speak for yourself, hiking boot boy. my ballet slippers are soaked. – ed). It’s just dreary and gray. Sounds like somebody should be settling in for an afternoon of football, eh?
Your pal,
bob
Would you rather…
develop a non-lethal weapon that makes people feel their faces are on fire,
or
carry on with the Silly String?
a) It’s the “Goodbye Effect!”
b) What a mess, there’s trip wires everywhere…
Man, that’s some prompt and highly motivated escape behavior, if you ask me.
– bob
Would you rather…
uncover the Jupiter Hoax,
or
have a weather phenomenon named after you?
a) Yep, just a pie tin and a hula hoop.
b) It’s a cold, clammy wind that smells a bit like cheese.
He had an axe to grind ever since that nasty Pluto business…
– bob
Would you rather…
issue your report from the Santee Study Group,
or
rename your car company so the locals can pronounce it?
a) It ain’t real good, and gettin’ more worser.
b) “Roewe”
We asked Jerry Jeff Baker Jr. to write it cuz’ his spellin’s real fine.
– bob
Kids,
Yeah, yeah, this starts as a houseblogging post, but will surely delve into giant dumbness later. It’ll be great!
You may recall my whining about the malfunctioning wood stove. I don’t even think you need to stretch very far to realize, as I did, that the fire cap is somewhere on the roof. That’s not surprising, but where had all the smoke gone? Certainly not outside, as that cap was fully caked full of the fullness of creosote, soot, and generalized gunk. The smoke went IN the house. That would be a sub-optimal result.
Once I climbed on the roof with my trusty rope, I carefully lowered the filthy cap and tried to carefully lower myself to start the cleaning. Pine needles had other ideas, and I started my slide towards 9.8 m/sec2 and a nasty bounce off the deck onto the driveway. You’ll notice at this point that I lived. How? I put a foot out and immediately halted my descent. Sure, the pop in my lower back would foretell a bunch of hobbling around for the next couple days. I can stay put, but moving from that stasis is a challenge. Aleve, heating pads, they’re my friends at the moment. Who cares though. We have heat!
Oh, there’s more, and that’ll be tomorrow. After the Question.
Your pal,
bob
Would you rather…
start celebrating the anniversary of the repeal of Prohibition early,
or
the expiration of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart?
a) It’s the 5th, get it? hic.
b) What?
So everybody hoist your glasses to Utah!
– bob
Would you rather…
your ‘net-connected refrigerator be programmed by the FDA, AMA, and PETA,
or
an accelerometer is added to your phone?
a) New Message From – fridge@home.com “tsk, tsk, tsk”
b) New Message From – grandma@home.com “I’ve fallen…
You’ve got some explaining to do.
– bob