The president of these United States receives a brief twice a day containing news stories covering all of the good things he’s doing, how successful he is, and how his administration is doing great. Internally, staffers call it the “propaganda document.” This is different from a clipping service, where you save media mentions for later use in your marketing. The brief, presented to the boss by toadies in the White House, is designed solely to stroke this nitwit’s ego.
I’ve read a lot of commentary on Twitter about the hypocrisy of the 45th president of these United States going on a two-week vacation while he lambasted President Obama for doing the same. I get that the act is hypocritical and who doesn’t enjoy making fun of this buffoon, but the people who criticize him for spending so much time away from the White House miss an important point…
The more time he spends on the road, the less time he’s spending doing evil stuff.
A day ago, the 45th president of these United States has held a political rally at the Boy Scout Jamboree where he thanked the 12-year olds in the crowd for voting for him and goaded them into booing the 44th president. This is a startling breach of protocol not only for a sitting president, but also for a normal human being with a sense of ethics.
Two days ago, the 45th president dedicated a new aircraft carrier—one named after the guy who pardoned 45’s prototypical president, Richard Nixon—and as commander-in-chief, ordered the service men and women in attendance to support his political agenda. This stuff used to happen in tin pot, third world dictatorships. Until now.
The 45th president of these United States, better known as Marla Maples’ ex-husband, is a mentally unstable sociopath with narcissistic tendencies. On that we can certainly agree. What we might disagree on is his healthcare policy expertise. Sometimes it’s pretty difficult for him to grasp. Sometimes it’s easy…
Again, this sort of thing doesn’t happen in a functioning democracy, but it happened yesterday in the United States of America.
The 45th president of these United States, better known as Jared Kushner’s father in-law, held the first meeting of his entire cabinet yesterday. This is a motley crew of GOP lifers, hangers-on, dopes, fire starters, and Mitch McConnell’s wife (who is several of those things. -ed). While mostly a photo opportunity, a startling and brazenly un-American thing happened—one by one, they went around the room pledging their loyalty to the president.
This doesn’t happen in a functioning democracy, but it happened yesterday.
You might wonder how the various investigations into Russia’s meddling in the 2016 elections and the now 45th president’s cooperation and coordination with said meddling are coming along. At this point, it’s hard to know. The independent prosecutor, former FBI head Robert Mueller, isn’t sharing status updates. The House and the Senate, however, are holding hearings this week featuring the former FBI Director, the director of National Intelligence, and some other folks who are making Marmalade Mugabe very nervous.
The United States of America, a founding member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, last year elected an orange buffoon as its leader. One of the reasons that old white people in this country voted for him, we’re told, is that because they’re anxious about their economic fortunes, they thought a successful businessman would be the best choice. This man would negotiate trade deals with other nations that tilt in favor of the United States. A master negotiator would also be able to bend foreign ministers to his will, the thinking goes, to ensure that America isn’t stuck holding the nightstick as the “world’s policeman.”
Here’s the master negotiator in action at his first NATO summit in Brussels…
Economically anxious white people in Montana also voted in a special election yesterday to elect a man who beat up a reporter the day before as their sole congressional representative. This is more dangerous.
I strongly believe that NATO is a self-healing institution and can route around problems, like the grandstanding grifter who lists “45th President” when he takes out new loans with the Russians. However, he and the new GOP representative from Montana, and the people who support them, are showing that it’s okay to rough people up to get what you want. That it’s perfectly fine to beat on a member of the media who’s pressing to get a question answered on the eve of an important election.
Pay attention to these things, dear reader. This is how we lose a democracy.
Our president, a 70-year old orange toddler, has stayed up way past his bedtime during his first foreign trip as the leader of the free world. (since you put it that way, it’s time to jump off a bridge. – ed At least wait for the midterms.) During this trip, he has said dumb things, coddled dictators, and has reshaped America’s foreign policy to comport with the thing the last person he spoke to told him. In other words, the trip was going as expected, until he encountered The Orb.
Was The Orb part of some elaborate stagecraft by the Saudi king to open the new Global Center for Combating Extremist Ideology in Riyadh, or something more nefarious, as portrayed on Twitter? Maybe it was something else entirely…
“So, are we Islam-married now? I heard that this is how you do it.” – Trump, probably pic.twitter.com/4PcjLIyQtU
A heavily-sourced story by the fine folks at The Washington Post (Cripes, are they going to save this nation’s bacon again? every 45 years, like clockwork. -ed) reported that some septuagenarian toddler we call the 45th president shared highly classified information with the Russian ambassador. You remember the Russians, don’t you? They’re the ones who threw the last election toward said toddler through a disinformation campaign fueled by hackers, social media dupes, and willing stooges.
Anyway, the toddler’s nannies and enablers in the White House denied the story yesterday. This seems pretty normal. Why would you admit that you shared secrets that inherently compromise our sources with the enemies of our democracy?
It’s not a crime, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be removed from office for doing it. In fact, it helps reinforce the existing case for impeachment. Now all we need is a Congress that worries more about the country than their party.
The coalition of GOP sharps, weasels and dandies along with the dullards, chicken frighteners and snake charmers in the U.S. House of Representatives are poised to pass a replacement for the Affordable Care Act this morning. Well, not so much a replacement as a tax cut for the wealthy that’s paid for by pricing 20 million Americans out of their health insurance. Why?
Campaign donations and fear of facing a primary challenger who lacks more spine and heart than the incumbent. By the way, lacking a spine and a heart would qualify as pre-existing conditions for these goons, punting them into expensive high-risk insurance pools…
Or it would if Congress hadn’t exempted members from their new scheme that’s just fine for you. Good luck!
I propose that while we bide our time until they can be voted out of power, we have a little fun at their donor’s expense: keep as many browser windows open and search for as many different things as your computer will allow. Let’s work together to make our browsing and search histories worthless!
I seem to be suffering lately from a fatigue brought on by an elderly orange man from Florida who has managed to destabilize this great country using little more than a Twitter account. He has surrounded himself by right-wing ideologues, dullards, kleptocrats, toadies and various hangers-on who are working with this elderly orange man to frighten old ladies and Australians while annoying Sweden and other people whose worldview hews towards facts and logic.
Because I count myself among both the frightened and annoyed camps, I’m grateful to take a little break. This piney paradise, while not cut off from media, insists that inhabitants go outside and enjoy this gift.
Until the new Secretary of the Interior sells off the forest to the highest bidder.
As you are no doubt aware, our gal, The Idyllwild Weather Clam, works tirelessly to bring you the most accurate weather forecasts possible every single weekday when she gets around to it. She does this by dispatching teams of scientists from her tide pool to the four corners of the San Jacinto and Santa Rosa mountains and use the latest scientific techniques to tirelessly gather data for her prediction models. Yesterday was no exception.
Teams of highly trained meteorologists fanned out from the Secret Alpine Laboratory and collected a breathtaking amount of weather and climate data. These figures were used to compute The Idyllwild Weather Clam’s prediction that it would rain yesterday in Idyllwild, California.
As you know, we here at the Secret Alpine Laboratory cherish your readership and understand that you have many options when you’re looking for nonsense on the Internet. We’re pleased as punch that you’ve chosen to stop by this hot mess and look forward to your continued patronage.
All the best to you and yours while we hold up this sign sort of on our shoulder but mostly on our neck, and it’s not weird at all and actually very comfortable, why do you ask?
