Toddler Watch: Poor Impulse Control Edition

Friends,

The United States of America, a founding member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, last year elected an orange buffoon as its leader. One of the reasons that old white people in this country voted for him, we’re told, is that because they’re anxious about their economic fortunes, they thought a successful businessman would be the best choice. This man would negotiate trade deals with other nations that tilt in favor of the United States. A master negotiator would also be able to bend foreign ministers to his will, the thinking goes, to ensure that America isn’t stuck holding the nightstick as the “world’s policeman.”

Here’s the master negotiator in action at his first NATO summit in Brussels…


Economically anxious white people in Montana also voted in a special election yesterday to elect a man who beat up a reporter the day before as their sole congressional representative. This is more dangerous.

I strongly believe that NATO is a self-healing institution and can route around problems, like the grandstanding grifter who lists “45th President” when he takes out new loans with the Russians. However, he and the new GOP representative from Montana, and the people who support them, are showing that it’s okay to rough people up to get what you want. That it’s perfectly fine to beat on a member of the media who’s pressing to get a question answered on the eve of an important election.

Pay attention to these things, dear reader. This is how we lose a democracy.

Your pal,

– bob

All Hail The Orb!

Friends,

Our president, a 70-year old orange toddler, has stayed up way past his bedtime during his first foreign trip as the leader of the free world. (since you put it that way, it’s time to jump off a bridge. – ed At least wait for the midterms.) During this trip, he has said dumb things, coddled dictators, and has reshaped America’s foreign policy to comport with the thing the last person he spoke to told him. In other words, the trip was going as expected, until he encountered The Orb.

Was The Orb part of some elaborate stagecraft by the Saudi king to open the new Global Center for Combating Extremist Ideology in Riyadh, or something more nefarious, as portrayed on Twitter? Maybe it was something else entirely…


Your pal,

– bob

Toddler President Watch: Leaking State Secrets Edition

A lovely centered picture of a poster
Friends,

A heavily-sourced story by the fine folks at The Washington Post (Cripes, are they going to save this nation’s bacon again? every 45 years, like clockwork. -ed) reported that some septuagenarian toddler we call the 45th president shared highly classified information with the Russian ambassador. You remember the Russians, don’t you? They’re the ones who threw the last election toward said toddler through a disinformation campaign fueled by hackers, social media dupes, and willing stooges.

Anyway, the toddler’s nannies and enablers in the White House denied the story yesterday. This seems pretty normal. Why would you admit that you shared secrets that inherently compromise our sources with the enemies of our democracy?

I don’t know. Why don’t you ask that toddler yourself, since he admitted sharing that information today.

It’s not a crime, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be removed from office for doing it. In fact, it helps reinforce the existing case for impeachment. Now all we need is a Congress that worries more about the country than their party.

Your best pal,

– bob

You Know, General Welfare

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Friends,

The coalition of GOP sharps, weasels and dandies along with the dullards, chicken frighteners and snake charmers in the U.S. House of Representatives are poised to pass a replacement for the Affordable Care Act this morning. Well, not so much a replacement as a tax cut for the wealthy that’s paid for by pricing 20 million Americans out of their health insurance. Why?

Campaign donations and fear of facing a primary challenger who lacks more spine and heart than the incumbent. By the way, lacking a spine and a heart would qualify as pre-existing conditions for these goons, punting them into expensive high-risk insurance pools…

Or it would if Congress hadn’t exempted members from their new scheme that’s just fine for you. Good luck!

Your best pal,

– bob

The American Experiment: Testing The Low Values Edition

A lovely centered picture of a my driveway
Friends,

Whether it’s stripping healthcare out of a healthcare bill because it’s too generous, hunting bears while they’re hibernating, or removing online privacy protections so ISPs can make a dollar, the majority party in this United States Congress has been busy. Why do they hate people, sleeping bear cubs and people? Because there is a dollar to be made, and your modern Republican Party is chock full of people who have no interest in you.

I propose that while we bide our time until they can be voted out of power, we have a little fun at their donor’s expense: keep as many browser windows open and search for as many different things as your computer will allow. Let’s work together to make our browsing and search histories worthless!

Your best pal,

– bob

A (very) Short Respite

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Friends,

I seem to be suffering lately from a fatigue brought on by an elderly orange man from Florida who has managed to destabilize this great country using little more than a Twitter account. He has surrounded himself by right-wing ideologues, dullards, kleptocrats, toadies and various hangers-on who are working with this elderly orange man to frighten old ladies and Australians while annoying Sweden and other people whose worldview hews towards facts and logic.

Because I count myself among both the frightened and annoyed camps, I’m grateful to take a little break. This piney paradise, while not cut off from media, insists that inhabitants go outside and enjoy this gift.

Until the new Secretary of the Interior sells off the forest to the highest bidder.

Dammit. So much for my break.

Your best pal,

– bob

Vicious Storm Update

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Friends,

As you are no doubt aware, our gal, The Idyllwild Weather Clam, works tirelessly to bring you the most accurate weather forecasts possible every single weekday when she gets around to it. She does this by dispatching teams of scientists from her tide pool to the four corners of the San Jacinto and Santa Rosa mountains and use the latest scientific techniques to tirelessly gather data for her prediction models. Yesterday was no exception.

Teams of highly trained meteorologists fanned out from the Secret Alpine Laboratory and collected a breathtaking amount of weather and climate data. These figures were used to compute The Idyllwild Weather Clam’s prediction that it would rain yesterday in Idyllwild, California.

It didn’t.

We apologize for the error.

Your best pal,

– bob

Happy Awkward Valentine’s Day

A lovely centered picture of Joyce Mathews
Friends,

As you know, we here at the Secret Alpine Laboratory cherish your readership and understand that you have many options when you’re looking for nonsense on the Internet. We’re pleased as punch that you’ve chosen to stop by this hot mess and look forward to your continued patronage.

All the best to you and yours while we hold up this sign sort of on our shoulder but mostly on our neck, and it’s not weird at all and actually very comfortable, why do you ask?

Your pal,

– bob

This Day In History (without rodents)

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Friends,

Every February 2nd, I like to share with you some events from history to illustrate that today isn’t just about rodents and my Birthday Holiday Season.

This year, the subject of defeating fascism is at the top of my mind for some reason, so here are some instances where the bad guys have been punched in the face (and worse!) from history:

  • In 1942, auto factories in the United States switched to war production.
  • The first active resistance to Nazis in Norway was undertaken in 1942 to protest the installation of a puppet government.
  • In 1943, the German 6th Army surrendered to Russian forces at Stalingrad, which was sort of a big deal.

So if you were thinking of getting me something, take a picture of someone you love punching a Nazi. I’ll post them here!

Your best pal in the whole wide world,

– bob

The Magic Of Webcammery!

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Friends,

Over the weekend, I replaced the old webcam server with a not nearly as old webcam server and the results so far have been better than I’d hoped. The new server is more responsive, has more storage, and should be able to stay up and running more consistently. Plus, it’s a nice way to keep technology up and running and useful that some Cupertino-based computer companies have deemed obsolete.

During the transition, I temporarily lost one of the primary cameras, but I added a new one that’s taking great pictures. Now you can see what the neighbors are up to during most of the day and some of the night.

That’s not creepy, is it?

Your pal,

– bob

Programming Note: Webcam Issues

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Friends,

Just a brief note to let you know that the webcam server at the Damp Dog Lodge has gone down and it may be the end of the line for the old gal. The machine is almost 15 years old, which is nearly 400 in computer years, so it might be time to put it out to pasture.

The good news is that our crack team of engineers is working on the case and we should have a replacement ready to go in a few days.

All we have to do is figure out what this knob does…

Your best pal in the whole wide world,

– bob

Transition Team

A lovely centered picture of the transition team selecting cabinet secretaries.

Friends,

It seems that the transition from the administration of the 44th President of The United States to the 45th is going great as illustrated in this photo taken during a meeting in Trump Tower. The selection of people who know nothing to run government agencies they hate and have longed to dismantle is an enormous middle finger to the less than one quarter of the registered voters who selected this carnival barker.

You know, they guy who’s too smart to listen to intelligence briefings? Yeah, that guy.

We’re doomed.

Your pal,

– bob

IMPORTANT GOVERNANCE UPDATE: Oh yeah, he also picks people based on their looks. What a buffoon.

Happy Thanksgiving: Presidential Edition

A lovely centered picture of the president of turkey.

Friends,

Just a brief note to wish you all the very best Thanksgiving holiday weekend. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, but let’s take a couple days off to relax with friends and family before we get back to our plans to win the midterms!

Or something.

Your pal,

– bob

P.S. Special thanks to the President of Turkey for his appearance at the beginning of this post. Now it really feels like Thanksgiving.

The 2016 Jaunty Election Guide: 50% Turnout Edition

Friends,

The election results are in and with only 50% turnout in one of the most acrimonious, contemptible races in the modern era, this country has elected a fascist as the next Commander-In-Chief. Congratulations!

To everyone who voted for Tangerine Mussolini, please take a moment to explain to all of the black, hispanic, Jewish, Muslim, and female people in your life why you don’t care about them. While you’re at it, I’m interested to hear why you apparently value party over country, bonkers ideology over security, and choosing a carnival barker to represent the United States to the world. Also, considering that the dead-eyed granny-starving Speaker of the House is champing at the bit to dismantle Social Security, please explain to the elderly people why you don’t care about them either.

Shameless.