RIP, Bruno
We’re Being Careful What We Wish For!
Friends,
You may have read yesterday’s commercial message and thought, “I’m perfectly fine with how much money I make right now and have no need whatsoever for increased revenue. I can get a new liver any old time. Besides, the kids have money in their piggy banks. What do I need with marketing?” Well, somebody read that post and told two friends and they told two friends, until they not only spread the news of softer and more manageable hair, but also apparently whispered in my other boss’ ear. She has decided that the end of the year fundraising event at the Far Eastern Outpost of San Diego’s Omnipresent Charitable Organization will involve a full-court media press with outdoor, online, print and broadcast pieces all coordinated to drive donors to a defined point at a certain date at a certain time.
Just guess which loudmouth gets to spearhead the effort. C’mon, it’s not that hard. Need a hint?
Nobody’s getting pie.
Woof. We’re going to be very busy, indeed.
– bob
We’re Making People Pay Attention To Your Stuff!
Friends,
As much as I’m willing to hold out hope for this lousy economy, it still stinks to high heaven. Companies are afraid to invest in new employees and equipment anticipating another downward spike. Governments are shedding workers like your grandpa lets loose dried out epidermis on his collar. It’s rough out there and any gains are out on the distant horizon. What’s a savvy entrepreneur like yourself to do?
Well, you could wail and rend your garments, and while people will be interested in what you look like without garments, the wailing is a little off-putting. It might be better, if I may make the suggestion, to hire my supremely talented friend Sue Eigenbrodt and myself to create print and online media for your burgeoning concern. Our rates are very reasonable, we walk you through every step of the process and if we don’t get you to laugh during one of our concept meetings, we will send you a free pie.
I think this will be the only advertisement during my Thirty Days of Posts, so do please send me a note if you’re interested in improving your bottom line, having fun while doing it, and not receiving a pie.
Thanks for checking in. Tomorrow I’ll return to our regularly scheduled nonsense.
Your pal,
– bob
We’re Cutting The Cable To A Satellite!
Friends,
I’ve been threatening to get rid of the absurd fees charged by my satellite television programming provider for a very long time now. Some event, though, has cropped up to stand in the way. Think Beijing Olympics. Think Superbowl. Think college football.
Now, with not much going on, I’m back on the idea of getting rid of this dumb standard definition box, so I’m researching antenna options for over the air broadcasts for some sort of connectivity. At this point, you might think that I’m a fool for trying to pick up local broadcast television and you may be exactly right since local news is roundly the worst. For instance, we had three wildfires raging around my bucolic alpine haven yesterday, but the lead on all of the Los Angeles news stations was about a guy who drowned in his pool and reactions from the public and G-list celebrities to this fellow’s passing, but I digress.
When the Federal Communications Commission decided that analog broadcasts needed to die in favor of digital, they assured us that the broadcast signal strength and reach wouldn’t be affected. Click this link to go to their signal map site and put our Zip Code, 92549, into the search box. (SPOILER: zero results)
So no amount of antenna with no amount of amplification will receive absolutely no stations whatsoever, according to the new map. I used to get a half dozen analog stations.
Can I get season 5 of The Bachelorette online?
Asking for a friend.
– bob
We’re Building A Playground! – Part 2
Friends,
By the time I made it back to the Idyllwild Playground this morning to continue work, I found that all but the finishing touches were complete. Local artists painted wildlife scenes on thick plastic panels that were mounted throughout the structure, but frames! The paintings need frames!
So my little group made picture frames out of 2-by-8 boards. The captain didn’t use the word, but his instructions were clear—whimsy, employ plenty of whimsy.
Can do! And did.
Your pal,
– bob
We’re Building A Playground!
Friends,
Well, it had to eventually happen. I finally got up off of my rear and pitched in to work on a community project. We’re building a huge and elaborate playground at the Idyllwild Community Center park. Through donated funds and materials, and volunteer labor, this is the first big step in constructing a massive public complex for the enjoyment of people here in my little town.
I wasn’t sure that my rickety construction skills would prove useful, but I had a nice time, met some great people and despite the howling complaint from my knees, I’m experiencing a nice sense of accomplishment. There’s more work to do tomorrow, so if I can get everything I need to get done at the Lodge finished in time, maybe I can lend a hand (or two) to put on the finishing touches.
Your pal,
– bob
The Squirrel Stole My Baby!
Friends,
There was a little commotion outside this morning and I sauntered out to see what all the fuss was about. Mme. Puppy Dog was having a fit as a local squirrel heisted her least-loved toy and scrambled up a tree to her nest. I would’ve sympathized, but I was too busy laughing.
– bob
Twitter Dust Storm
Friends,
Arizona’s Department of Transportation thought it’d be neat to raise awareness about the danger of driving in blinding dust storms by soliciting haikus on Twitter. This idea is as dumb as helping an old lady across the street by updating your Facebook status, so I naturally joined in…
Arizona bakes
Temps char drippings on the floor
Lock doors, self-cleaning.
My next effort was mentioned on the CBC News Community Blog in a post trying to explain the thing to Canadians. You’re welcome, Canadians!
Also, Arizona. Gross.
Your pal,
– bob
The U.N. Security Council Considers A Strongly Worded Communique
Friends,
This may be the most terrible thing that has ever happened in the history of horrible things. Yeah, that’s right, Bobtherieau.com is down.
I know! It’s pretty tragic.
Your pal,
– bob
P.S. I mean, where are you going to get your pictures of sad clowns and precious artsy photos of British sports cars?
UPDATE: The site’s back up again! Hooray! All is right again with the world!
Abraham Lincoln, Treadwear Killer
Friends,
You can’t see the top of Abe’s head yet, but I need new tires on my seven month old Jeep. Seventeen thousand miles seems to be not a lot, does it?
By the way, seventeen-inch wheels need some expensive tires. Hundred and seventy bucks? Cripes. Maybe I can get the Goodyear Wrangler SR-As prorated, eh?
Guh.
– bob
Apple Widget Day!
Friends,
Apple’s World Wide Developer Conference keynote was today and things were announced! What sort of things? Operating systems and updates to other things. This is the glorious time of year when tech reporters working for wire services and television network news breathlessly try to explain these things to the general buying public who may not understand what it means or they may just get it completely wrong. This also means that I’ll be asked, by people at work, what this means to them.
It happens every year in the exact same way, but this year I was too busy to watch the keynote myself. I may not have answers because of this and my inquisitors will be disappointed.
Maybe I should make stuff up.
“If you upgrade to Mountain Ocelot, you’ll be able to tell Siri to emit a high-pitched squeal that will kill the slugs in your garden—if you buy the special Thunderbolt speakers…”
Your suggestions for made-up Apple tech are always welcome.
– bob
Come! See The Weirdo!
Friends,
I spent a lovely weekend away from the worry about forest fires burning down the Damp Dog Lodge, but on the way back, the Rule of 42 was proved once again. This might’ve been a terrible post about the horrors of traffic, but that’s really very boring. What’s more interesting is the comparison of my perfectly-sized hands to a starfish. You know, like a freak. Or an abomination.
Look, I’m not an animal.
– bob
Smoulder!
Friends,
Good news from CalFire and the Forest Service. I’ll let them tell you themselves in their typically triumphant tone…
Update 8:00 p.m. – Fire is 100% contained. Full control expected by 8:00 a.m. on 6/10/2012.
Settle down, fellas.
– bob
Fire!
Friends,
There’s a forest fire burning not too far away from our secret alpine laboratory right now. While some people during this election year will suggest that private enterprise is our salvation, I’m relying on government action to keep my house from burning to the ground. You can smell the smoke (like some delightful artisanal barbecue smoking something over mesquite and manzanita) and I think we’ve had a little ash fall this evening. I’m gathering up household things and will leave the mountain in a little while, but here are some fun links to keep you busy:
- This is a live feed of the radio traffic between fire crews.
- And this is the incident description on the web.
- Also, you might like to know what the Riverside Press-Enterprise thinks of the whole thing.
So, um, goodnight everybody!
– bob
Graduation Day!
Friends,
As you may know, I work at the Far Eastern Outpost of San Diego’s Omnipresent Charitable Organization and one of my part-time jobs (no, not kidding) is in the capacity of communications manager. That sort of means marketing manager, but not in the way you think because I don’t direct the marketing, but that’s a very different story.
What’s important here is that I spent the morning capturing the pageantry and majesty of the preschool graduation. It was touching. No Cybermen, though. We were not assimilated.
Win-win.
– bob