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June 7, 2012

Terrified

A lovely centered picture that's surely a fair use of another picture.

Friends,

The roads to my house are really highways. Not huge highways, but the speed limits are 55 MPH until you reach the center of my teensy and astoundingly quaint village.

But I’ve heard that because these highways have curves, drivers become “terrified.” Here in our Secret Alpine Laboratory, we have studied this phenomenon at great length and have discovered that each of our subjects, when they reach a condition we’re calling hodophobia gravitas, that they all slow down to precisely 42 MPH. Why?

Here’s one possible answer:

42 (forty-two) is the natural number immediately following 41 and directly preceding 43. The number has received considerable attention in popular culture as a result of its central appearance in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy as the “Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything”. The Question to the answer is: “How many roads must a man walk down.”

Or fall off of.

– bob

June 6, 2012

Election Results – Oy! Edition

A bit of the results page from the L.A. Times.

Friends,

My friends and neighbors in the great state of California may be the most astounding bunch of uninformed nitwits in the history of dopes. To say they’re dim is to insult candles. To infer that they have short attention spans makes the blackest crows blush.

We’re mad about our financial and political situation in this state but people who are not me continue to enjoy bullet holes in their shoes. Good lord, people. Why?

– bob

(h/t LAT)

June 5, 2012

A Jaunty Little Election Guide – Free Will Edition

Friends,

The primary election tomorrow is a giant pile of weirdness. The congressional and assembly districts have been redrawn so in our piney paradise, for instance, our assembly district now includes San Diego County down to the Mexican border instead of the Coachella Valley. The well-funded incumbent from Santee (cripes. Santee.) we’ve never heard of and who may have never heard of us, will likely win. Our U.S. representative is facing a battle from an emergency room surgeon from Coachella, but is also likely to win in the fall with a giant funding advantage. I won’t bore you with these races, but there are two ballot measures that could have significance in the state.

Here’s the language voters will see tomorrow:

PROP 28: LIMITS ON LEGISLATORS’ TERMS IN OFFICE. INITIATIVE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT.
SUMMARY Reduces total amount of time a person may serve in the state legislature from 14 years to 12 years. Allows 12 years’ service in one house. Applies only to legislators first elected after measure is passed. Fiscal Impact: No direct fiscal effect on state or local governments.

PROP 29: IMPOSES ADDITIONAL TAX ON CIGARETTES FOR CANCER 29 RESEARCH. INITIATIVE STATUTE.
SUMMARY Imposes additional $1.00 per pack tax on cigarettes and an equivalent tax increase on other tobacco products. Revenues fund research for cancer and tobacco-related diseases. Fiscal Impact: Net increase in cigarette excise tax revenues of about $735 million annually by 2013–14 for certain research and tobacco prevention and cessation programs. Other state and local revenue increases amounting to tens of millions of dollars annually.

I’ll be brief on both:

Prop 28 violates my rule in that it amends the state’s already absurdly overwrought constitution. Sure, we should revisit term limits, but not like this. Let’s discuss it at our constitutional convention… I know, spoilers.

Prop 29 adds a new tax with the stated intent to engineer society. The Legislative Analyst’s Office estimate of additional excise tax revenue of $735 million is for one year and earmarked to do an already well-funded thing instead of towards eliminating the deficit. This is absurd on a policy level and will have consequences in November when the Governor’s tax plan comes up for a vote. But let’s say, just for kicks, that adding a buck per pack tax persuades people to quit. What happens to First 5 funds, that come from other cigarette taxes? How will the legislature make up the tax revenue that would’ve gone to the General Fund? Are you pondering what I’m pondering? (i think so, but then how will the former low-income smokers get health care? – ed)

I love it when we do impressions.

– bob

June 4, 2012

Dude, I Flaked

Friends,

There’s the old saw around these parts about moving day in Ocean Beach. You call your buddy with a pickup to help on Saturday morning at the end of the month and he assures you that he’ll show up at the appointed hour. Back when this was an ongoing problem for me, we didn’t have cell phones, so we’d wait around for hours and hours for the guy, then give up and strap furniture to the tops of cars. Days later, when we’d cross paths, he would always give the excuse, “Oh man, I totally flaked.” No apology, just a statement of the obvious.

Today, there’s a hand gesture for that. It’s the old man wave. The one where you’re driving down a country road and pass an older gentleman walking on the shoulder. Should you wave, his wave back is subtle. An acknowledgement, but nothing more than expending the least energy possible to lift a hand to the point where you might see the palm, but probably not. You may even get the closest to zero angle nod that he can muster, but don’t count on it.

I was walking the dog this morning with one of those extending leads that can reel out twenty feet or so. Mme. Puppy Dog was about five feet away when some jamoke in one of those execrable Lincoln LS abominations cut in close around the blind right hand corner where we were standing. The dog’s natural response was to rush out into the street, of course, restrained only by my twirling around, gathering the lead around my midsection. This particular road is a dead end, so he had to turn around and when he passed us coming down the street he gave us the old man wave. In this context, it clearly meant, “Dude, I totally flaked when I went around that corner too fast and almost killed your dog.” Or at least that’s what I took from it. Windows rolled up, still driving too fast, no apology.

I later drove down the hill to the post office, when a woman in a black Lincoln LS (no kidding) full of passengers, backed out of her driveway without looking, 50 feet in front of my Jeep. My stop looked more panicky than it was, since the Jeep’s suspension is very soft and allows all sorts of crazy nosedive during these things. I stopped in time and was greeted with, yeah, the old man wave.

It seems like piling on at this point, but my drive back from the post office involved waiting for an extended period of time for another person to back out into my street and negotiate putting their mid-sized American sedan into Drive to get into a lane. This guy figured it out eventually then offered the old man wave.

Now what you’re thinking is, “This seems pretty minor in the scheme of things,” but it’s not in a respect that I’ll get to a couple posts from now. The thrust of this argument is that piloting two tons of machinery around shouldn’t be considered a casual endeavor. These things are dangerous and require skill and attention. If you’re missing either of those attributes, somebody could really get hurt. “But what about all of the safety devices we have now?” I hear you ask. Those things keep you from, on the whole, getting killed, not from getting hurt. And hurt very badly indeed.

Keep your eyes peeled! More tomorrow,

– bob

June 3, 2012

Two Sentences From A Rule Book – That’s Gonna Leave A Mark Edition

The Little Jaunty Rink Rats
– Proudly Present –
– A Helpful Note –
– That May Require Medical Attention –
– And A Couple Stitches –

It’s Two Sentences From A Rule Book!

“At the discretion of the Referee, a player or goalkeeper who is bleeding shall be ruled off the ice at the next stoppage of play. Such player or goalkeeper shall not be permitted to return to play until the bleeding has been stopped and the cut or abrasion covered (if necessary).”

In this way hockey is a lot like rhythmic gymnastics.

June 2, 2012

Thirty Days of Posts: Wherein I Introduce The Project

A lovely centered picture that's totally fair use of a thing that most people will hopefull recognize.

Friends,

Today is the first one of June in the year we’ve all agreed on, 2012. As you most likely are aware, I’ve been letting this field go fallow and, well, dammit, that’s gonna change. Therefore, I vow (not wish, not hope, not sorta) to post something new and interesting (big boast, big fella. interesting? – ed) every single day this month.

If you think that this is some stunt, be assured that it is. It’s a gimmick to trick me into getting back into the habit of making something of this site. I have the opportunity to get a new URL for free for the blog from the nice people at Squarespace (who are not a sponsor, but who will end up hosting the blog at the end of this exercise), so I thought that I should make it worth everyone’s while to actually show up for the switch.

I guess this is the part where I should thank Blogger for their platform all these years. Back in the early 1850s, when I started this, they were easily the most and best and biggest platform to self-publish on the web. I even bought a subscription and labored away during those terrible first years, but as president Zachary Taylor wisely said back then, “You gotta git, son.” So I’m moving away from the Google empire that has treated me well to a smaller and more responsive empire where I get to actually own my stuff from now on.

The topics covered during this month will be old favorites (or favourites, as you say), things that vex me (as usual. – ed), the old cast of characters will make an appearance, and there will be new features that I can’t talk about now. Of course, I can’t talk about them now because I don’t know what they’ll be yet, but they’ll surely be amazing (or amazeballs, as you say).

Check in tomorrow when I’ll make an incredible pronouncement about something very interesting!

Your best pal in the whole wide world,

– bob

May 22, 2012

This Is Coming

I’ve been writing this post for a week. Have a seat, grab the chair, and hold on. It’s coming. Dear god, it’s coming.

Your pal,

– bob

March 28, 2012

A Little Housekeeping Is In Order

Friends,

I’ve been away for a little while doing a couple things, but I’m back and ready to use this to avoid having to write some other stuff on a deadline! Now that’s taking the bull by the horns! (and getting gored anyway. -ed) Let’s review:

I went on a little trip with The Man From S.T.I.N.K.O. from Chicago back to California. More on this in a bit, but in the meanwhile, think how you could use your lottery winnings in a systematic way to destroy Oklahoma. My secret plan has something to do with genetically engineering a super army of hammerhead sharks, but there are some kinks to work out.
We’re rebranding the Far Eastern Outpost of San Diego’s Omnipresent Charitable Organization and the whole thing drops in a week and a half (hope you like russet and taupe! -ed) so I’m going to be writing more here for the procrastination reasons stated above.
If you know somebody in rural Riverside County who has fire wood for sale at a cheap price, drop me a line. It’s still kinda chilly at the Damp Dog Lodge and I’ve run through my cord and a half of oak.

More stuff has happened since the last post those many weeks ago, but you might find those things sort of boring. I do have some pictures from the trip though, so you’ll see those in a little while.

Your pal,

– bob

February 29, 2012

We’re Not Interested In Your Liquid Precipitation

Friends,

Last weekend was one of the warmest and sunniest I recall in February. The birds were angry with each other, competing for the last bits of food laying around, but the gladiolus have started to poke out of the ground. Early spring, right? By 2:00 on Sunday afternoon, the temperature dropped like a stone. Clouds rolled in. The yeti strolled by.

My gorgeous houseguest saw the meteorological writing on the wall just then and made her exit. She’d been worried about the weather predictions coming true right away and rendering her rear-wheel drive pony car little more than a spinning top, but she needn’t have really been concerned for another few hours.

Then, around 6:00 or so, the snow never started falling. It was cold for sure, but nothing—despite the warnings from Johnny Mountain—like the giant Pacific storm that was promised.

Fast forward to Monday afternoon and from noon until 5:00 or 6:00 the next morning, we got a foot of snow. I know what you’re thinking right now (he really does. it’s weird. – ed). Big deal, right? People all over the country deal with this stuff all the time. This is Southern California, so it’s different.

Over the years, I’ve driven through conditions like those of Monday afternoon over and over, but I had no idea that nobody else had. Driving styles ranged from 20 MPH white knuckle terror to bald tire bravado.

Tuesday morning at 5:30, the county Zamboni drivers had worked their magic and made the highway positively glassy. We could’ve contested the Stanley Cup on the perfect surfaces they’d created except for the new snow blowing across the roadway. And the stalled cars abandoned where they landed in the middle of the road.

It’s harrowing, exciting, dangerous and beautiful all at the same time and that’s perhaps the allure of living here. Actual pictures of this Winter paradise to come.

Your pal,

– bob

February 7, 2012

It’s Your Duty

Friends,
I’ve really enjoyed my Birthday Holiday Season so far, and thanks to a frantic “I’m a bad person for missing your birthday” post this evening, the season continues. Traveling far and wide over this great land, the birthday celebrations have been entertaining, lively, and to quote the prophet, pretty great.

What hangs over my head now like the Sword of Albatrosses is the looming threat of jury duty. If I were a religious person, which you might be surprised to learn that I’m not, I could just march into the courthouse and proclaim some sort of talmudic proscription against passing judgement against another, but we evil seculars get no such allowance. I’m still uneasy about it for a lot of reasons, but I’ll take the time to rattle off only a few:

I’m not a peer of the person in the dock. I can guarantee it.
I certainly wouldn’t want to be judged by the person in the dock.
How will this affect the time line?
They’re insane if they can even pretend that I’ll be impartial.
I can’t afford the time off without pay.

The last point is pretty important. It was suggested that I review the policy manual at work to see if the company will pay for time served on jury duty, but I couldn’t find even a mention of “jury,” “duty,” “jury duty,” or even “plate of shrimp.”
I know they’re required to give me time off, but they’re not required to pay my salary, so that’s that. End of story. Period…

Until somebody decides that they need to prove a point and issue a warrant for failure to appear. Or you marry your great-grandfather.

Your pal,

– bob

January 31, 2012

Let’s Review The Jaunty Little Traffic Logs!

Friends,

I noticed a big jump in traffic hitting this here hot little mess and upon closer review noticed something stunning—the giant spike is coming entirely from Bulgaria. That’s right. The Black Sea former communist nation of 7.4 million has taken a shine to this proud beacon of American values, including japery, tomfoolery and general sniping as well as this annoying itch that we can’t seem to get rid of even with the most powerful over the counter liniments and tinctures.

Welcome aboard Bulgaria! We’re glad to have you as new members of our minor chattering society. Please do feel free to leave comments and let us know how we’re doing.

Your pal,

– bob

January 11, 2012

Two Sentences From A Press Release – I’m Not Falling For It Edition

The Little Jaunty Booth Babes
– Proudly Present –
– A Branding Exercise –
– That May Be Overly Precious –
– And Makes Very Little Sense Upon Reflection –

It’s Two Sentences From A Press Release!

“Similar to the Dodge Dart of the late 1960s, the 2013 Dart offers a special blend of style, performance and innovation. The Dodge brand leveraged its nearly 100-year history of passion for building high-quality, innovative vehicles that stand apart in performance and style, as well as from its partner Fiat’s global compact car expertise, to develop the all-new Dodge Dart.”

Very similar!

December 31, 2011

Happy New Year!

Friends,

A new year is upon us and it’s time to reflect on the year that’s been. The highs and lows, the tragedies and the triumphs.

All done? Great!

Happy new year!

– bob

December 23, 2011

Happy Christmas!

Friends,

Between my several jobs and the grind of winter, I’m afraid that I just haven’t had the time to post as often as I intend to. I really do prefer longer posts, but those kinds of pieces require more thought than I seem to have the capacity to produce. Things should, on the whole, settle down in the new year though, so expect much more starting in a week or so.

In the meanwhile, with things starting to heat up again in the Falklands, please enjoy this news photo of an imperialist subjugating the locals.

Have a happy and safe Christmas and a fine new year!

– bob