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Friends,
Today is Good Friday, also known as Holy Friday, Great Friday, or cheerily Black Friday. This is a day that Wall Street traders take off from work so that they don’t continue to plunge the markets into further chaos.
Thank heaven for small favors.
– bob
Friends,
You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout and I’m telling you why; Passover begins tonight!
So be good for goodness sake.
– bob
Friends,
Not to get all Andy Rooney on you, but did you ever notice that some days the universe provides signs that you should’ve just stayed in bed? Like how all of the lights are red during your morning commute? Maybe how the light bulbs blow out in the bathroom while you’re taking a shower? Or how you realize that the milk is bad only after drenching your Cheerios?
Well, it’s only 7:00 AM here at the Festival of Dirt and not only are the phones failing internally, but now all of our lines out are gone. Normally, I’d just place a repair call and that would be the end of it, but talking on the phone seems to be very important to people. Also people get edgy if they can’t transmit pictures from one scanning phototelegraph to another. Therefore, I will receive fifty panicked calls asking me if I’m aware of the situation. “Yes Virginia,” I will say to somebody who is not named Virginia, “I’ve called the phone company and they’re going to fix it by 10:00.” I’ll leave it to you to imagine the remainder of the conversation.
What else is in store for a Tuesday? More trouble? Stay tuned!
– bob
Friends,
As you well know, it’s tax season. What you don’t know is that I’ve been in a bit of a panic about it (maybe because your recent posts have been few and far between? – ed Could be!). Yesterday, I finally fired up H&R Block’s Tax Cut and got to work.
After a mercifully short time, there was the damage. Four hundred bucks to the state and the Feds. “Crap! Those bastards are greedy this year!” I cracked to no one but the cowering dog. What could’ve changed from last year when I got a big fat refund? I don’t know because I can’t find last year’s return. That would’ve been helpful too because in order to file electronically, you need to use last year’s adjusted gross income as an ersatz PIN number (in addition to an actual PIN number, only one has to be right). Can’t find your 2007 AGI? Just call this IRS toll-free number! Sunday in April, a week and a half before the deadline, and the IRS is closed. Good thinking.
I had to find that return, so the search continued—right until I found yet another mortgage interest statement to add to the mix. Look! The numbers are now within ten bucks of last year (now only the great state of California is run by greedy bastards). Now I can live without electronic filing. Now some semblance of order has returned.
Next year, I fully hope to report additional income from your patronage of the fine advertisers on the right of the page. My accounting so far indicates that I’ve earned well over a nickel. That’s solid progress towards the financial viability of this enterprise, but we can surely do much more. Maybe ratchet the check up to an entire dime!
Your pal,
– bob
Friends,
I wouldn’t normally post something like this because the underlying story is fairly sad, but you can’t ignore the craft displayed by master Press-Enterprise wordsmith Richard Brooks in this case. Behold:
A dead horse is creating a traffic hazard along 58th Avenue just east of La Quinta, according to the California Highway Patrol website.
The carcass was reported at 5:18 a.m. in the westbound lanes at Jackson Street and was still in the roadway at 6:14 a.m.
There was no word on what caused the critter’s death.
Just keep the quality high, and the readers will come. The cream floats to the top, you know.
– bob
Friends,
I’ve returned to my piney paradise from a city that can best be described as immediately pre-apocalyptic. It’s a study in contrasts!
A lot has happened while I’ve been in a news blackout. “Red Ink” Rick Wagoner was punted from the corner office at GM and the Dodge Boys are going to learn how to have more fun in Italian. Also, the European debate team will be having a friendly discussion about economic policy during the meeting of the G20 in London by storming the Bank of England. On top of all that, the Justice Department has dropped their case against Uncle Ted Stevens!
Should your faithful Indian guide put his ear to the ground, he will likely make out “four riders, coming from the North…” Not too late to turn around, kemosabe.
– bob
Friends,
I’ll be in America’s Something-or-Otherest City over the next few days. Don’t be too sad, please.
Thank you,
– bob
Friends,
It’s well-known that terror gangs are roving the streets of Riverside, California. Their currency is fear and intimidation, of course, and Press-Enterprise star reporter Tammy McCoy brings us the latest in this escalating maelstrom of violence…
Three people were arrested Wednesday after a pregnant woman walking with her 10-year-old child was pelted with oranges by a passing motorist, according to Riverside Police.
The woman was hit twice and had marks on her skin after being hit with oranges by people in a blue sports utility vehicle, according to a department shift summary log.
Police linked the same SUV to another incident and they were arrested, according got [sic] the log.
Fresh fruit doesn’t bruise people, people hurling fresh fruit bruises people.
[some dude who doesn’t need any more exposure], 19, of Riverside; his younger brother [brother of that dude], 18, also of Riverside; and [their idiot friend who also thought this was a good idea], 18, of Riverside, were arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, police said. They were throwing oranges at others in the area earlier in the evening, police said.
They bring a loquat, you bring a tangelo. It’s the Riverside way…
– bob
Friends,
I have a theory and it posits that the first people to receive proper pitchfork treatment from the enraged masses will be California legislators. I know, I know, there’s a good case to be made for the Chicago Mayor and his staff, but the fine people of the Second City strangely keep voting for that guy so they must love him. Besides, privatizing parking meters is merely shortsighted in my humble opinion.
What about the good stuff, like the party that runs this state? Capitol Weekly’s wise beyond his namesake Big Daddy describes the Democrats thusly:
The “party” is just a P.O. Box shy of a shell corporation in the Cayman Islands. It’s like -1 or your happy childhood—when you really stop to think about it, it doesn’t even exist.
Certainly it’s not merely a money pump. Isn’t there influence to be peddled there as well?
The job of party chairman is part babysitter and part money launderer. With campaign finance limits being what they are, the entire system is geared to move money through the political parties. It’s the party chairman’s job to make sure that everyone has their pot of money lined up, and that all the juice moves where it’s supposed to.
Sounds nice, but once the money and the power are in place, what should be done with it? The answer, clearly, is to advance The Agenda Of Idiots.
There’s a fun story making the rounds today about a study conducted by the tin-plate potentates over at the California Air Resources Board. Their recent presentation suggests that you’ll use more gasoline if your car is too warm inside and the air conditioner runs more. More gas means more warmy gasses coming out of your tailpipe which makes polar bears spontaneously drown. Their solution is mandating more reflectivity for surfaces of your car. Deeper tints on the windows, lighter paint colors. Black paint is a big fat bummer in this regard, so they’re studying the feasibility of legislating paint colors.
The special election coming up to ratify pieces of the recent state budget deal is anticipated to have the lowest voter turnout ever by percentage. Participating in the election might be a good way to avoid the “felony assault with a farm implement” charges. Just sayin’.
– bob
Friends,
The economy is forcing most people, myself included, to put their heads down and stay out of trouble at work. If you’ve got a job, you know that you’ve settled in and have decided to put up with the knuckleheads in the office. They’re swiping staplers, asking you for pointless reports, and casting other meaningless grief onto your doorstep. What to do?
Absolutely nothing. Not until Q3.
[sigh]
– bob
Friends,
Our own Idyllwild Weather Clam spent yesterday by the tide pool sunning herself, but today is digging through her wardrobe for the electric blanket. The snow is falling this morning but it’s not cold enough to stick. The wind has picked up and rain gutters have pulled away from their mounts.
She’s provided a couple snapshots stolen from the internet! Don’t blame me, blame the mollusk.
That was this morning. There’s also this from the good people at The Green Cafe.
Closer to town, Georgia’s (which is still around, believe it or not) has a very grey picture this morning. Notice there are no tourists. Bad news for the merchant of rocks and shiny rocks.
Reading the Clam’s late-breaking weather ticker, she also notes that the cloud ceiling has dropped. So if you’re flying into Idyllwild International Airport this morning, it’s strictly IFR. Good luck with that!
Your pal,
bob
Friends,
Springtime has arrived. The tiny flowers are in bloom, the hay is only considering becoming feverish, and everybody else seems to have ants in their pants (i prefer aunts. – ed). The weather down here in the Festival of Dirt has been mild over the last week as have the temperatures up on the Hill. The forecast for Sunday, however, calls for snow.
Photographic evidence to come…
– bob
Friends,
On March 17th 1776, British army generals made the decision to skeedaddle from Boston to avoid another pasting like they recieved at Bunker Hill. Boston Harbor was General Washington’s prize. Our reward is that it gives newspaper editors something to complain about.
What will you do to celebrate the day? Flee to Nova Scotia? Wear your red coat?
You certainly weren’t considering something foolish like banishing snakes, were you?
– bob
Friends,
It’s a lot colder here than it was supposed to be. Our delightful Idyllwild Weather Clam had it right with temps much colder than the national media, but would I listen? No!
This is because I am dim. Guilty as charged.
You’ll also notice that I have no new news to report, except that the Task Force members have landed in Detroit to check in on General Motors. Are their plans going to lead to profitability? Only if they get a few more billion dollars.
In my informed opinion, they need to get scrappy! Take a lesson from the boys from Kenosha (pre-Javelin Matador Coupe, trust me)…
Think about it for a minute.
– bob
Friends,
In case you’ve missed out on the fun carnage in the American automotive industry, the dreadnought that is The Truth About Cars has been on the case. Could it be worse than Fiat buying 35% of Chrysler with no money? Yes!
I even heard a discussion on NPR today about whether America even needs a domestic auto industry. Astounding.
– bob
UPDATE: Added link to Warren Olney’s To The Point program from yesterday. Who needs a Stairmaster when this’ll get your heart rate right up there?