Tidal Waves Too
Would you rather…
be unable to understand the President of Kazakhstan even after translation,
or
blame everything on Uzbekistan?
a) Huh?
b) Rio was taken.
Yesterday’s Winner: Preferred candidates? USPS workers.
I don’t get it.
– bob
We’re Doomed
Would you rather…
inoculate yourself against a poor world view,
or
get paid to participate in an investigational study into depressant medication?
a) Mean people? Aww, they’re just swell too.
b) It’ll never work.
Yesterday’s Winner: Haberdasher to Herring!
Have a nice day!
– bob
Equal Protection
This may be a little too meta, but it’s worth passing on. Go see Xeni Jardin’s post on the Zombie Rights March in Austin, then come back and help me understand why the pirates were protesting.
You’d think they’d be thrilled.
– bob
We Had A Problem With The Chin Straps
Would you rather…
design wigs for teacup dogs,
or
hats for fish?
a) It’s part of the Zsa Zsa line…
b) A sombrero? He’s like the Beta Bandito!
Friday’s Winner: If he keeps hitting those poles, we’ll run out of Purell.
Only FiFi’s stylist knows for sure,
– bob
I Waited Until Fall To Take My Summer Vacation
And why not? Prices are falling, especially for gas, and the road was beckoning. California’s Central Coast? That seemed doable in a couple of days. A fuller trip roundup will follow when I get home, but here’s something to keep you occupied for a while:
Yes, it’s “equivalent” to a Pontiac G6 or a Dodge Charger. Enterprise Rent-A-Car says so.
Let’s say just for fun that you have a winery.
Now let’s say that your winery needs a little something more than a tasting room. How about a freaking moat? And a 20,000 square foot banquet hall? And jousting. You’re looking at the construction phase of the new tasting room and banquet facility for Eagle’s Crest Winery. Jah help us all.
This fish is in the tiniest aquarium ever, and it just happens to be situated in Morro Bay. He was as interested in us as we were in him.
Here’s the famous Morro Rock. We think it’s actually round, and that there’s going to be hell to pay when it gets to whomever has to chip it out of this little water hazard.
By the way, garlic fries and car trips don’t go together very well at all. I’m leaning towards the Toxic Lemon Yellow scent.
More in two days,
– bob
Genius! – Dealing With The Public Edition
Friends,
In my capacity as Capacitor Monitor at the Charity’s Far Eastern Outpost, I rarely deal with the actual people the agency serves. In fact, the motto in my little department of one is “we don’t help people, we help the people who help people.” On rare occasions though, some interaction with the public is unavoidable. Here’s why:
I did have an exchange in one of the public areas in the building. Apparently, this guy—a real Okie from Muskogee—has some “?real documents from Houston about the JFK assassination.” He’?s looking to sell them, but needed some advice on places he should look to find out how much they’re worth. I was intrigued, as you might expect. “Really?”? I asked, “?from Houston?” “Yeah, I know they ain’?t from Dallas. They’d be worth more if they were from Dallas.”?
I see.
So, um, give this cat some positive seller feedback when you see his big pile of ratty documents on eBay, okay? Bless your little hearts.
– bob
Did I Leave The Iron On?
Would you rather…
compete in a Very Special Olympics for Agoraphobics,
or
the Agility Competition for Obsessive/Compulsives?
a) She’s gonna have to shut those blinds a little quicker if she hopes to medal, Phil.
b) 1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4.
Yesterday’s Winner: “Madre de diós!”
You remember what happened to the cat after last year’s javelin competition…
– bob
Genius! – Abbot & Costello Edition
Friends,
Full steam ahead then for our ongoing series called Genius!™
Here’s what I put to our software vendor in a nutshell. The original email question was “can you give us a quote on some new software?”
He replied that somebody else already pays for other different software, that we already have.
“That’s great, but what does the new software cost?” I shot back.
“It’s not part of the software you already have. Somebody else pays for that,” he replied.
“Then how do we get the software I’m asking you about?”
“Oh! That’s usually free.”
And that is, dear readers, Exhibit B in why I’m going insane. More tomorrow, in the next installment of Genius!™
Your pal,
– bob
Maybe It’s Your Aftershave
Would you rather…
in an election year stunt, sue the molecular bonds that attract carbon to oxygen atoms,
or
rail against your opponent, “El Diablo”?
a) The rising oceans! The warming temperatures! The dying polar bears! No tigers in fifty years!
b) The sulphur smell still lingers in this chamber. Can you smell it?
Yesterday’s Winner: “What’s the Bot to Euro exchange rate?”
…and I want the crusts removed from all sandwiches!
– bob
Genius!
Pals,
A little something from work today in an ongoing series I’m calling Genius!™
So I was in the break room having lunch and the L.A. news was on. The story (full of stock footage of a restaurant, then fields, then stock clerks throwing away spinach) gave us who might have just emerged from a hole a need-to-know update on E.coli. Then, they mentioned the inconvenience that restaurants were experiencing (no spinach salads! gasp!) and the creative ways they’re getting around these monumental problems. One solution was to substitute lettuce for spinach in salads (fascinating). Another establishment had substituted a broccoli dish for their spinach pie (innovative). A third is launching a civil lawsuit.
At this point, I’m laughing. But nobody else.
Too high and outside for the proletariat? You be the judge! More tales from the tech support monkey tomorrow in the next installment of Genius!™
Your bestest friend ever,
– bob
Shina, What?
Would you rather…
be the prime minister of Hungary,
or
Thailand?
a) Lies, damn lies, fibs, fabrications, untruths, tall tales!
b) Hmmm, London is nice.
Yesterday’s Winner: I can almost get up to top speed by the middle of the country, it takes the rest of the country to slow down again.
It was a motivational speech, stupid.
– bob
One, Two, Three, Four, Tell The People Who’s Next Door…
Would you rather…
make a business case for including Attic Greek on Vatican ATMs in addition to Latin,
or
register your car in The Most Serene Republic of San Marino?
a) If we could just coax them down the stairs.
b) [AHHHH2]
Yesterday’s Winner: Another tie!
What’s the word for “receipt”?
– bob
I Was Much Younger Then…
Would you rather…
drop a spatula during your spacewalk,
or
masquerade as a former child actor to impress your coworkers?
a) Um, Houston, these pancakes may not turn out right, over.
b) I handed a towel to Bruce Lee in Enter The Dragon
Friday’s Winner: You can have the house next to the 17th Street levee too.
Does the space station even have a tailgate?
– bob
On A Nice Day
Friends,
It seems like forever since I’ve been able to spend a weekend at The Lodge without some pressing project or a pile of people to entertain. I found that I couldn’t simply relax and take in the post-Labor Day peacefulness, so I had to work on some projects. I also got a fun call from my nephew regarding his birthday gift. He just opened it and was thrilled. A quick trip to Target last weekend meant a great nostalgia-encrusted score that I knew he’d like and that the devious product meisters at Mattel must’ve known I’d need to pick up. Apparently, there were actual squeals of delight, which means to me “mission accomplished”.
Yep, Sizzlers are back from Mattel. They’re the fastest electric cars in the world, don’t you know. We wanted them really bad back in the early 70s, but they were expensive and the perception was that because the sets required batteries, they would break quickly. That, or they’d break the bank with battery purchases. Besides, regular Hot Wheels were good enough, weren’t they?
Maybe, but in adjusted dollars, the new sets are about half price. Naturally I had to buy much more than the Giant “O” Race Set. Oh no. I had to get another car, with a charger separate from the Juice Machine gas pump charger, plus a huge cache of batteries. And the packaging is a nostalgia fest. They’ve resurrected the 70s designs on the boxes complete with smudged-out-to-imply-speed pastel drawings of race cars (drivers have open face helmets) and boys with bowl haircuts and monster cords setting up the track on the back.
Here’s the big question though. Will he let me play?
Your pal,
bob
Look! It’s Tom Cruise!
Would you rather…
retain the law firm of Ketcham, Holden & Needham, LLP to draft your prenuptial agreement,
or
Hanes and ALCOA to create a new line of hats for your conspiracy-themed boutique?
a) No, seriously, you can have the Bentley…
b) “…with the added benefit of signal interruption…”
Yesterday’s Winner: Found!
…but I get the AAA membership.
– bob