politics – Page 4 – A Jaunty Little Blog

June 3, 2009

Glug.

Friends,

There are mandatory water restrictions in Los Angeles and San Diego going on right this very minute. You get to water your lawns on Monday and Thursdays now. Oh, there’s more for the flatlanders to take in. The dean of Los Angeles political reporting Rick Orlov poses the hypothetical…

Residents who fail to achieve the 15 percent reduction in their allotment can expect to see their bimonthly bills to increase from $83.52 to $92.35. If they do reduce consumption by 15 percent, the bills are expected to drop to $71.59.

Yay, recession!

This won’t harm anybody at all. Thankfully, the dysfunctional Idyllwild Water District doesn’t have anything to do with the DWP. Not that they won’t take a cue from the nonsense down below and raise rates up here.

Well, at least we won’t have to worry about utility increases from cap and trade “nasty carbon” taxes.

Oh, wait…

– bob

UPDATE: Edited for a little more clarity. Added some punctuation.

May 29, 2009

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Czar

Friends,

The President of these United States is scheduled to announce the creation of a new position in the administration, that of Cyber Security Czar. Hopefully this completes the collector’s set with the Drug Czar, Car Czar (Chooch!), the Border Czar and the Regulatory Czar making up the rest of the set. Seriously, can we please stop with the Czars already? The title was cute once, but are these positions endowed with the power to be ruthless autocrats? Will each of these individuals be executed by Bolsheviks? (good bolsheviks are so hard to find these days. – ed)

There are so many other titles that might be used in place of the vaguely exotic “czar or tsar” that it’s hard to know where to start. Emperor? Dear Leader? Party Chairman? Each of them has the right tone, but if you’re really going for a sinister and despotic vibe, may I recommend Special Assistant to the President?

Nah, too creepy.

– bob

April 1, 2009June 13, 2018

Normal Programming Resumed

Friends,

I’ve returned to my piney paradise from a city that can best be described as immediately pre-apocalyptic. It’s a study in contrasts!

A lot has happened while I’ve been in a news blackout. “Red Ink” Rick Wagoner was punted from the corner office at GM and the Dodge Boys are going to learn how to have more fun in Italian. Also, the European debate team will be having a friendly discussion about economic policy during the meeting of the G20 in London by storming the Bank of England. On top of all that, the Justice Department has dropped their case against Uncle Ted Stevens!

Should your faithful Indian guide put his ear to the ground, he will likely make out “four riders, coming from the North…” Not too late to turn around, kemosabe.

– bob

March 26, 2009June 13, 2018

This Amazing Year! – You Bring The Tar, I’ll Bring The Feathers

Friends,

I have a theory and it posits that the first people to receive proper pitchfork treatment from the enraged masses will be California legislators. I know, I know, there’s a good case to be made for the Chicago Mayor and his staff, but the fine people of the Second City strangely keep voting for that guy so they must love him. Besides, privatizing parking meters is merely shortsighted in my humble opinion.

What about the good stuff, like the party that runs this state? Capitol Weekly’s wise beyond his namesake Big Daddy describes the Democrats thusly:

The “party” is just a P.O. Box shy of a shell corporation in the Cayman Islands. It’s like -1 or your happy childhood—when you really stop to think about it, it doesn’t even exist.

Certainly it’s not merely a money pump. Isn’t there influence to be peddled there as well?

The job of party chairman is part babysitter and part money launderer. With campaign finance limits being what they are, the entire system is geared to move money through the political parties. It’s the party chairman’s job to make sure that everyone has their pot of money lined up, and that all the juice moves where it’s supposed to.

Sounds nice, but once the money and the power are in place, what should be done with it? The answer, clearly, is to advance The Agenda Of Idiots.

There’s a fun story making the rounds today about a study conducted by the tin-plate potentates over at the California Air Resources Board. Their recent presentation suggests that you’ll use more gasoline if your car is too warm inside and the air conditioner runs more. More gas means more warmy gasses coming out of your tailpipe which makes polar bears spontaneously drown. Their solution is mandating more reflectivity for surfaces of your car. Deeper tints on the windows, lighter paint colors. Black paint is a big fat bummer in this regard, so they’re studying the feasibility of legislating paint colors.

The special election coming up to ratify pieces of the recent state budget deal is anticipated to have the lowest voter turnout ever by percentage. Participating in the election might be a good way to avoid the “felony assault with a farm implement” charges. Just sayin’.

– bob

February 5, 2009June 13, 2018

This Amazing Year! – Three State Solution

Friends,

With news that Los Angeles County is exploring the options of withholding tax revenues from Sacramento if the state suspends payments back to counties, I had a thought. What if the other counties did the same? Would state government collapse?

Maybe that’s a good thing.

It’s a big state and there are fairly sharp ideological schisms between North and South in particular. I’ve long advocated splitting the state in two, but that seems unworkable for a number of reasons—mostly in where to make the split. The yammering classes have suggested a Three State Solution for Iraq. Wrong country, but maybe the right idea for California. Northern, Central and Southern California, anyone? Divided roughly into thirds, each section would have roughly the same economic power of the others. Roughly the same problems. Roughly the same group of dysfunctional built-in politicians.

The plus side for Southern California, which I’m concerned about, is that the seat of government would necessarily be much closer. The voices of the people here proportionally much larger in the ears of state government. Yes, we lose our big national electoral stick, but that helps to keep hacks like Nancy Pelosi from gaining more stature than they actually deserve. I think you can agree that’s a good idea too. Oh yeah, more stars on the flag.

I thought a week ago that merely disbanding the California Air Resources Board would be enough. Before that, redistricting. Now my only hope for the state is to kill the damn thing and start over. It looks like the counties are doing the job for us.

– bob

UPDATE: Added link to Pelosi’s gaffe about 500 million Americans losing their jobs every month. The now famous “Dumber Than Soap” video.

January 31, 2009June 13, 2018

This Amazing Year! – Time For Change

Friends,

A wave of events, like a red tide washing trash and medical waste onto the beach, has come to pass that has, in my humble opinion, presented the opportunity to kill a loathsome beast. That monster, one that has not a single name but two, not one head but eleven, has taken the task of destroying the great state of California to its scaly bosom. That we will prosper and succeed as a state is antithetical to its unrepentant joy over its own lust for power over and control of the citizenry. When the sun shines and this scabrous vermin scurries behind the baseboards, who calls its name? What demonic appelation does this bilious stain answer to in the halls of Sacramento?

The California Air Resources Board.

This state is broke. That’s well known. Certainly cuts can be made to save the jobs of your average and pleasant DMV worker. In lieu of issuing IOUs to tax refund recipients, wasteful programs can be eliminated. I suggest killing CARB. Not only that, but I have suggested this path to the California EPA. Yes, infanticide. I’ve started my campaign with a friendly letter:

As a fourth generation Californian, I am angered greatly by the actions taken by the California Air Resources Board. In their latest turn to punish electric car conversion companies in the state then reverse that decision, I feel that this board is ill-suited to take on the air quality issues that affect us all. Rather, they have truly become a self important fiefdom, legislating the destruction of the California economy with a deft hand along with a tin ear. They do not represent us, they are not accountable to us and they must be dissolved.

Particularly callous has been their regulations against wood-burning heat during this particularly cold winter. A great many people, myself and my neighbors included, rely on wood as an economical alternative to electricity and propane to stay warm. The Air Resources Board has become the enemy of average citizens of this state, of anybody working towards a green economy in the future, and energy independence in general.

I am asking your advice during these trying economic times on how we, the citizens of this once and surely future great state, can disband the California Air Resources Board. Will this require a ballot initiative? What legislation enables this board? Is there separate enabling legislation that must also be overturned?

Thank you for your assistance in this urgent matter.

The best part is that the CARB Ombudsman responded—kinda.

In 1967, California’s Legislature passed the Mulford-Carrell Act, which combined two Department of Health bureaus–the Bureau of Air Sanitation and the Motor Vehicle Pollution Control Board–to establish the Air Resources Board (ARB). On February 8, 1968, the first meeting of the ARB was held in Sacramento. Legislation must be initiated to eliminate the ARB. Please contact your local state representative to discuss this matter. If you have any questions or need additional information regarding air quality issues please contact me. Thank you for contacting the Office of the Ombudsman.

Philip A. Loder
Deputy Ombudsman
Air Resources Board
Office of the Ombudsman
(916) 322-2467

All we need to do is put an initiative on the next ballot! How hard could that be? All I need to do is collect enough signatures, based on the turnout from the last general election…

Oh, right.

– bob

December 10, 2008June 13, 2018

Jaunty Notice: Service Interruption

Friends,

Well, that’s just great. I vehemently opposed California’s Proposition 8 last November on civil rights grounds, but the entire staff here at Jaunty Central has decided to “call in gay” anyway. My editor, my assistant Magdalena, everybody.

Posting is gonna be a little light today…

– bob

P.S. Here at work, the updated Websense web filtering system has definitely not called in gay and is diligently making life much more difficult for everybody. Myself included. Between its Victorian prudishness and its strange and ironic anti-technology bent, it just inspires the staff to devise fiendish methods to get around it. I don’t blame them.

December 6, 2008June 13, 2018

Jaunty Dumptruck O’ News! – Dumptruck Edition

Friends,

The political theatre provided by Rick “The Rick” Wagoner of GM, Bob “Orange Apron” Nardelli of Chrysler, and Alan “Why Am I Here?” Mullaly of Ford at this hour seems to have secured their respective companies loan guarantees from the government.

Not TARP money, because the current president doesn’t like that. The money is coming from the fund already set up to help the manufacturers build green cars that run on mermaid spit.

Chrysler, in particular, dodged a bullet with this one. Most of the congresscritters gave Nardelli the what-for about his Cerberus overlords’ unwillingness to pony up more of their money to keep the Dodge Boys afloat. They have a point, but a little loan now should keep them going long enough to file for bankruptcy in February. Hooray?

Oy!

-bob

November 18, 2008June 13, 2018

Jaunty Dumptruck O’ News! Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot Edition

Friends,

The CEOs of the Big Two (plus some fraction) domestic automakers are testifying at this moment to save their bacon. The Democratic leadership wants to use a piece of the $700 billion in TARP money. Secretary Paulson and the current president say no. Some dudes want an additional pile of loans on top of the $25 billion already approved and administered by the Department of Energy for Detroit to make cars that run on powdered unicorn kidneys. The environmentalists are just absolute wrecks over that suggestion.

What’s a busy legislator to do? Looks like they’re going to punt.

Just to get an idea of the automaker’s chances of pulling this out, let’s take a quick look at the Detroit Lions’ record so far this year. You know, for some perspective…

Uh oh.

– bob

November 18, 2008June 13, 2018

Jaunty Dumptruck O’ News: Birthday Edition

Friends,

Before we get started, I’d like to wish a very happy birthday to the senior senator from Alaska, ~~indicted~~ convicted felon Ted “Uncle Ted” Stevens.

The man who threw his own wife under the bus during his corruption trial is 85 today and a little over a thousand votes behind Anchorage Mayor Mike Begich in a vote count that started two weeks ago (!). Republican senators are trying to decide today whether to expel the most senior member of their party from the chamber. Apparently, (and this is something of a surprise to me) they would rather not hang out with felons. Something about doing bad things for the image of their party…

Frankly, if I were them, I don’t know if I’d worry so much.

– bob

UPDATE: It’s all moot. Uncle Ted seems to have lost his reelection bid. Such a pity, and Happy Birthday!

UPDATE II: Quote of the day that I’m going to repurpose for this special occasion:

“They gave me this gold watch, man, but it ain’t tickin’.”

Goodbye Uncle Ted. We’ll miss you.

November 3, 2008June 13, 2018

Village Elders Arrange Marriage, Shoot Happy Couple

Good morning, happy commuters;

This morning before a profoundly important election, we have news that the feds won’t be helping to pay for the merger of GM and Chrysler as GM CEO Rick “The Rick” Wagoner had hoped. The deal may still go through since Chrysler owners Cerberus Capital Management wants out (link to google cache. newsweek site is borked. – ed) and GM thinks that Chrysler has $11 billion still sitting around and would like to spend it (that’s rich. will the funds be doled out by the easter bunny? – ed You know, when you make fun of Chrysler, you make Lido cry.)

What does all of this mean to you, dear reader? Well, if nobody’s open to catch this Hail Mary pass, these two companies are poised to file for bankruptcy sooner rather than later. Big deal? How about the (federal) Pension Benefit Guarantee Corporation absorbing all of the pension obligations of both GM and Chrysler? That’s you and me footing the bill for all of the goodies that the UAW has fought so hard for. How about paying unemployment benefits to tens of thousands of auto workers and their suppliers and the dealers? You can see where this is going…

I understand not wanting to give taxpayer money to Cerberus. They’re a private equity firm and they should have to eat the loss of the $7 billion they paid Daimler to take over Chrysler. Then what? Nobody buys them, they file for dissolution and we’re left holding the bag? That doesn’t sound like a great option in the middle of a recession. Of course, GM’s gonna kill them off eventually as well, it’ll just take longer! Hooray!

How’re you feeling about the Lifetime Powertrain Warranty on your Dodge pickup now?

– bob

October 28, 2008June 13, 2018

Jaunty Election Guide!

My Friends (sorry about that…),

I know everybody worries about what I think when it comes to the vote for California’s bazillion ballot propositions. Usually, my rule is simple—no new bond measures and stop amending the Constitution. That stance is overly simplistic, I admit, and this year I’ve reconsidered my position for a ~~single proposition~~ couple propositions. You’ll have to read on to catch the subtle clues…

Prop 1A – Safe, Reliable High-Speed Passenger Train Bond Act: This one is first on the list and a dizzying brew of magical thinking combined with not so much. Get this, this measure asks voters to approve $9.95 billion in general obligation bond sales that the state can’t afford AND hopes that the feds will pitch in (you may have noticed they don’t have any spare cash either) along with private investors (who’ve slammed their checkbooks shut right about now). It doesn’t even require that a train system gets built. We just need to think about it and hire consultants! Whee! I’m sure these cats can spend the cash at way over 220 MPH.
Prop 2 – Standards for Confining Farm Animals: Farm animals get to get out of their cubicles, stretch their legs, have a smoke break (I made that last part up). Opponents say that this will force California farmers to pack it in, with the void filled by dangerous salmonella-tainted Mexican eggs! Boo! Look, this thing is gonna cost us money if it passes and I still think it’s worth doing. Would you pay extra for California cheese from truly happy California cows? Of course you would. It’s happier.
Prop 3 – Children’s Hospital Bond Act: No more bonds. These guys want $980 million to give to children’s hospitals. They haven’t spent the money from the last bonds. But hey, it’s about the children, right? Right?
Prop 4 – Waiting Period and Parental Notification Before Termination of Minor’s Pregnancy Wow. You could say that this is about chipping away at privacy rights and you’d be right. You could also say that minors needn’t be afforded those rights. Patient’s rights versus parent’s rights versus danger of retaliation. I still have no idea what to do with this one because I’m wholly unqualified to judge.
Prop 5 – Nonviolent Drug Offenses. Sentencing, Parole and Rehabilitation: This saves the state some money by kicking folks out of the penal system early to rehabilitate. We’ve got a big problem funding the huge prison system in this state, but shouldn’t folks convicted of crimes punishable by prison time spend their time in prison? Isn’t it supposed to be unpleasant? I’m not sold on this one.
Prop 6 – Police and Law Enforcement Funding. Criminal Penalties and Laws: Following on Prop 5, this one seems to be designed to scare everybody and pigeonhole funds for cops while upping penalties for certain crimes while creating new ones. C’mon, guys. Aren’t we a little smarter than to fall for this bunk?
Prop 7 – Renewable Energy Generation: Requires certain percentages of renewable sources in the electricity mix. The Union of Concerned Scientists isn’t feeling the love here for many reasons, but I heard only one statistic that made sense to me—this calls for 20% renewables by 2010. We’re at 10% now so it’s hard to believe that the 20% target is even attainable. There are noncompliance penalties, but I’m guessing Edison, PG&E or SDG&E aren’t going to absorb them, will they?
Prop 8 – Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry: Maybe just call it the “I hate the gays” amendment. Hating? Bad. Amending the constitution again? Stupid. Thanks for nothing, dimwit right wing bigots.
Prop 9 – Criminal Justice System. Victim’s Rights. Parole: Most of this is already covered in those silly laws. Not good enough! Somebody needs to amend the Constitution to drive the point home. How about no?
Prop 10 – Alternative Fuel Vehicles and Renewable Energy Bonds: I’ve heard this called the “T. Boone Pickens Bailout Act” by selling bonds (that we still can’t afford) to give folks cash for natural gas cars and research! That’s a lot of new cash out of the General Fund, eh?
Prop 11 – Redistricting: Opponents of Prop 11 have ads up trying to frighten voters with the idea that this constitutional amendment will establish an independent board to draw legislative districts every decade. That’s not a bug, that’s a feature! A commissioner is selected based on specific criteria, then by random drawing. Not a legislator drawing his or her own safe district boundaries! Again, a feature. If you vote in favor of one thing, if you hold out hope that the process can potentially ever be fixed, this is the last best hope. I think we should take a chance on it.
Prop 12 – Veterans’ Bond Act of 2008: This is the only bond measure that actually has the beneficiaries pay for it. And who do we saddle with the bill? Veterans, fer crissakes. We shouldn’t have to do anything like that. In my perfect world, veterans get whatever they need on a silver plate. Sadly, this world isn’t perfect, but $900 million seems cheap to provide loans for vets to buy homes and farms in the state. Hell, they might even raise herds of happy cows.

So go vote, won’t you? What are you waiting for?

Your pal,

bob

October 16, 2008June 13, 2018

Jaunty Dumptruck O’ News! – Debate Roundup!

I feel dirty.

I’m gonna need a shower after this debate [warning: adobe flash 10 required on terrible myspace-hosted site. – ed Does it use Flash because democracy hates UNIX? at least. mostly the commission on presidential debates hates you—a lot. -ed] just to get the stink off. Post-partisan? Change? Straight talk? Holy crap. We here at the Lodge are flabbergasted…

The “health of the mother” is an “extreme abortionist view” held by radicals? Really? The Girly Dog is not impressed…

Charter schools are the “greatest civil rights issue…” of the next century? How about this one? Sarah Palin knows a bunch about autism? I’m guessing she knows more than she bargained for about Down Syndrome, so maybe that’s true, but I suspect that the senator from Arizona was a touch confused.

A touch?

William Ayers. ACORN. Clean coal. Good lord, shut the hell up. What might you deign to do about the economy, mayhaps?

– bob

September 25, 2008June 13, 2018

An Important Announcement

My friends,

We are facing a serious crisis in our country and it would be irresponsible to continue to make this all about me. Therefore, following the lead of the Republican candidate for president, I’m also going to suspend my own campaign tomorrow.

Aw heck. Never mind. It seems like cheating. (er, exactly what campaign? -ed) Good point. I’ve got nothin’.

– bob

September 12, 2008June 13, 2018

Jaunty Dumptruck O’ News! Trouble In Bolivia!

Friends,

There’s big trouble between the United States and some left-wing South American states. I know you’re concerned about these events and what they could mean to you, so I’ll try to explain them as clearly as possible.

It’s a terrible situation in Bolivia at the moment. Leftist president Evo Morales (file photo, top) is supported by the poor and destitute in the West of his country, but is vigorously opposed by the moneyed interests in the oil-rich East. President Morales accuses our ambassador (pictured, center) of siding with those who oppose him and has ordered his expulsion.

We retaliated and expelled the Bolivian ambassador (photo not available), which I suppose is what you do in these things. But international buttinsky, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez (file photo, bottom) has sided with the Bolivians and has issued an order to expel our ambassador to his country. Naturally, we’re going to expel the Venezuelan ambassador to the U.S. in retaliation at some point.

Venezuela is the fourth largest importer of crude oil to the United States. Good night, honey. Sweet dreams!

– bob