Category: Uncategorized

Not So Much A Tree As A Ferris Wheel

Would you rather…
get rid of your reusable space plane,
or
live in a town where you much marry your relatives?

a) One small step backward.
b) Little Timmy just ain’t right.

Yesterday’s Winner: Toyota Legal on line two, Frito-Lay Legal on line seven…

Omega? That’s the best they could do?

– bob

Pull Your Pants Up, Dog!

Would you rather…
invent the first quintuple-hybrid powered BBQ,
or
be a judge on “American Plumber”?

a) You see, the solar panel ignites these Cheetos, which causes a reaction…
b) I didn’t enjoy the Thread-O-Matic at all, positively dreadful.

Yesterday’s Winner: High steaks.

It brings our greenhouse gas emissions back up to 1890 levels!

– bob

Houseblogging – Operation Pancakes

Oh, sure.

While it’s true that there’s really nothing that a good pancake can’t fix (ask IHOP), there may be another truth laying somewhere underneath that allows one to pin certain failures on those same flapjacks. An explanation is in order…

Last weekend, there was a little get-together here in my small town called Jazz In The Pines. You may have heard of it. My aunt and uncle have been attending for years, as have my parents’ neighbor. As a rule, they stay for both days, and I had a bit of a plan. As long as they’re in town, why not host a little get-together at my place. “How quaint!” I thought. Their schedules would be consumed with jazzier jazz, but also finding the perfect parking spot and the perfect spot to park while watching the shows. Not too sunny, it gets hot down there on campus. Not too shady, wouldn’t want a damp bum.

All this led me to settle on breakfast on Sunday. The bands start later, they’ll be hungry, and we’d be able to have a nice chat until 9:30 or so. The weather was perfect and I had a plan. Pancakes on the barbeque. Before you start with the highly inappropriate “why don’t Mexicans barbeque” joke, I had a griddle, okay? The smells of breakfast cooking outside, the fresh air, pretty nice.

That plan though was made too early so I had plenty of time to worry about it and crap it up. For instance, it never occurred to me that if people were going to spend most of their time outside in the front of the house I didn’t have to scramble to fix the inside of the back of the house. It also didn’t sink in that people might show up to hang out and chat so I worried if there would be enough food. I panicked and decided that we needed two of every kind of breakfast thing. Was there enough? I can only say this:

Dear starving people of Sudan, I’m so sorry.

As it turned out, each and every one of my fears were for naught (and this is different how? – ed). Everybody had a great time by all accounts. Flapjacks on the grill were a hit. I have so much leftover food that I’m going to have to open an International House of Leftovers. Tomorrow. Before everything goes bad.

So anyway, I’ll make this last part pretty brief… More visitors than I’ve ever had at one time plus lots of food combined with sixty year old plumbing. Wanna guess what I’ve been trying to fix this week?

Once everything is cleared up and cleared out I should have more time for this endeavor. In the meanwhile, at least I don’t have to shower in the backyard.

Your pal,

bob

You’re Bluffing

Would you rather…
round up rattlesnakes,
or
play poker at a table in the path of a stampeding bull?

a) Aww, it’s only a little bitty one…
b) Red’s your color!

Yesterday’s Winner: “Oh! It’s you!”

Poison Control, line seven.

– bob

That’s A Sticky Wicket, Eh What?

Would you rather…
buy a prepaid imaginary cellphone to talk to your imaginary friend,
or
organize the inaugural “Talk Like a 19th Century Upper-Class Twit Day”?

a) No more nasty overages.
b) I say, old chap!

Yesterday’s Winner: Everybody eats when we come to what’s left of your house.

Really? Ringtones too?

– bob

Yeah, Crepes, Sure. You Want One Or Not?

Would you rather…
name your new baby to honor a NASCAR legend,
or
lead a United Nations catering contingent?

a) Little Humpy
b) UNFLAPJACKSCOM

Friday’s Winner: “Everyone wants their car keys.” (you knew that was going to happen, didn’t you? – ed)

In today’s political climate, we thought that “Smokey” might keep her from reaching her potential.

– bob

Chicken Soup For People Who Enjoy Soup

Would you rather…
live in interesting times,
or
find what you’re looking for?

a) Dude, you won’t hit India sailing west, but go for it anyway, trust me.
b) Peace, love, understanding, and HEY! my car keys!

Yesterday’s Winner: “Preferably pounding the preparation into a palate-pleasing paste.”

Brother, can you spare a ducket?

– bob

Pathetic

Would you rather…
prepare for puppies in the pound petite pizzas piled with pâté, peaches, prawns, pickles and pimentos,
or
preferring her prized possessions, pretend to propose to your parsimonious partner?

a) No pork for the Pekinese, they’re picky!
b) Please, Princess!

Yesterday’s Winner: Tie!

Ptooie!

– bob

This Is Gonna Hurt

Would you rather…
be stuck on a corner in Winslow AZ,
or
left standing in the lurch, at a church?

a) Such a fine sight to see!
b) Alone again, naturally

Yesterday’s Winner: R.I.P. Tower

It’s a girl! My lord!

– bob

MDCCCLVII-Mobile

Would you rather…
purchase Tower Records’ assets,
or
open a Radio Shack in Lancaster, PA?

a) I know! We’ll call the stores Licorice Pizza!
b) Yes sir, it’s a dish that collects movies out of the sky…

Yesterday’s Winner: “Sneezes with Ammo”

Sam Goody’s on line seven.

– bob

Did You Ever Notice?

Would you rather…
have to register your sneezes as concealed weapons,
or
install child safety locks on your eyebrows?

a) Achoo! Duck!
b) They don’t call ’em rogue hairs for nothing.

Friday’s Winner: Tie!

That concrete dust is a killer.

– bob

Houseblogging – Ahhh…

Hey Pals,

Remember this shot from a couple winters ago?

How about this shot from a couple days ago?

This is a little better, no?

I think so too.

Your pal,

bob

P.S. Oh sure, watching paint dry is fun, there’s nothing funner, really. It just wasn’t a day for that kind of fun, so I started to put up some panelling instead.

Note the angles. Also note how the panelling covers up the weird non-plumb, non-square framing underneath. Can’t see it?

Houseblogging – Gooey + Itchy

Friends,

I’ve spent the last couple days shooting foam insulation into gaps, silicone into smaller gaps, and putty into still smaller gaps. Certainly I’m glad that it’s done, but the pictures are deadly dull. I’ll have others later, once the paint is applied. Until then, not so much.

The fiberglass insulation went in without incident except the the itchy problem. Scratching, scratching, scratching. I was prepared for that to the extent that you can be, but there was something that I wasn’t ready for.

My Dad and I had filled up the back of the mighty Dakota with construction debris (read: plexiglas). Yesterday was the day to dump it off at, well, the dump. I secured the load and took off. Not one minute into the trip I remembered that I had forgotten coffee, an essential fortification for the long, arduous, mile-long trip. I flipped the thing around (as much as that’s possible with that creaky crate) and headed up the driveway. Transmission in First, parking brake set, I slammed the door and headed back into the house to retrieve my now-precious coffee. Then, pop.

The parking brake had let go and the truck started backing down the driveway, pointed at the neighbor’s house on the low side across the street. The engine was slowly spinning backwards, picking up speed. It was as good a time as ever to panic, so I did. Could I hold it back myself? Not by grabbing the window frame. Should I jump in and hope to find the brake pedal in time? That was the last best choice and worked out okay. I made it to the edge of the driveway before it was fully stopped.

Pals, it was at this point when I questioned the need for coffee—ever. It’s pretty exciting to have a runaway car, but I figured “I’ve been through too much for a stupid cup of joe and I’ll be damned if it’s not coming with me.” So it did.

Deep breath.

Your pal,

bob

Friday! Friday! Friday!

Would you rather…
mount twin jet engines on your Honda Metropolitan scooter,
or
run your Weed Eater on nitro methane?

a) “My wife wanted to go faster than 40 MPH, and I had these two little JFS 100s…”
b) Yeah, we run carbon fiber string under a 3/8-inch scatter shield. It’s all about safety.

Yesterday’s Winner: “Candy canes? Are you trying to mock me?”

No afterburners yet, saving ’em for the skateboard.

– bob

TV Party Tonight!

Would you rather,
deliver one-liners like Horatio Caine,
or
Gregory House?

a) “I don’t think this drowning was an accident, somebody got in too deep.”
b) “there’s no “I” in “team”. there is a “me” though, if you jumble it
up.”

Yesterday’s Winner: Now, about that new heart…

We’ve got nothing better to do…

– bob