Another Shot Of Prestone? You’re Cut Off.
Would you rather,
be galvanized
or
freeze-dried?
a) No rust!
b) No burns!
Yesterday’s Winner: “I’m not retiring, I’m graduating!” (editor’s note: sigh…)
Try the Zinc-encrusted Halibut.
– bob
Houseblogging – The Great Plexiglas Massacre!
Kids,
The previous owners had a love affair with the amazing plastic glass. After all, it doesn’t break (yes it does), it’s easy to clean (if you get around to it), it’s easy to work with (if you enjoy frustration), and it never turns yellow (unless it’s exposed to the sun).
They made a sort of panoramic window out of the stuff on the back of the house. Double-glazed, even. They didn’t seal it though, so weather and critters treated it like their own private ecosystem. Those folks didn’t buy full sheets either, so they put in supports where ever their sheets ended. Which was anywhere.
I may have already mentioned that the previous owners had a different idea about winterizing. They continued their dual-glazing theme, but with a metal security door. On this, they applied sheets of plexiglas front and back, screwed together all the way through, and called ‘er good. No, they didn’t have a real door. Why bother, when you have plexi security door thing?
In lieu of the panoramic window, I opted to continue the wall up to the eaves. Just hard backing for a lot of insulation, I guess. I know, weird.
What’s all the more strange is that my Dad and I put in a new steel-clad entry door. Not too expensive, but being pre-hung really sped things up. I intensely dislike cutting in hinges, so the extra money over a plain slab was worth it. Besides, we could devote that energy to something else, like clearing out a great big hole where the security door used to be.
There is also a catch basin off the driveway into the back room. Why they thought that design was a good idea is anybody’s guess (so fire away in the comments, I can’t make sense of it). We built up the threshold to keep at least six inches of water at bay. If any more than that comes, I’m out of luck.
The door’s in now, leaving me with trim work and all of the interior to do yet. Don’t worry, it’ll get done. It’s only Tuesday!
Your pal,
bob
As Pipe Wrench Is To Plumber…
Would you rather…
deliver an opaque and unintelligible retirement speech,
or
scramble to get your snake charmer license before you travel?
a) “I’m graduating today to know that the true blessing is knowing me.”
b) It’s not like I’m carrying on liquids! I’ve got a business to run!
Yesterday’s Winner: “So’s them there second cousins can finally get hitched and…”
Oh, Junior. We agree (we think).
– bob
Houseblogging – Destructo!
Friends,
Time for a little exploratory surgery on the back of the house this afternoon. I got a late start on it, but I’m on vacation so I thought sleeping in past 5:00 would be appropriate. As for the wonders we found, there were only a few:
- Wadded up gift wrapping shoved in wall for insulation
- Wadded up paper towel stuck in gap in decorative woodwork to provide backing for caulk
- Seven different types of deck screws (some two inches long) used to keep small pieces of plywood from flying away
- Four different types of nails, as reinforcement in case the deck screws fail
- And gaps big enough to throw a cat through, plugged up with plastic sheeting, chicken wire, and more tiny pieces of plywood
Pictures tomorrow, when the light’s better. You’ll hate them!
Your pal,
bob
Big Hugs
Would you rather…
broker a cease-fire between the Hatfields and the McCoys,
or
assemble a peacekeeping Dream Team from France, Canada, and Belgium?
a) Them fellers can’t be trusted!
b) Whew! Now we’re safe!
Friday’s Winner: “I took it sideways down a sidestreet cuz I thought there were coppers behind us”
Aw, c’mon now…
– bob
So, What Are Your Plans This Weekend?
Would you rather…
have your car confiscated for violating anti-hooning laws,
or
go on a blue law violation spree?
a) Young man, here in Townsville the roads are not race tracks.
b) Young man, hand me the 12-pack, put your pants on, and get down out of that tree.
Yesterday’s Winner: “Tattoos are cool, but chicks dig accents.” (where’d he get the tattoo thing? that wasn’t even part of it. geez. – ed)
Go, man, go!
– bob
Yes, Your Pertayters Are Larvely
Would you rather…
wake up one morning speaking in a foreign accent,
or
come to one evening wondering why your spouse does?
a) Zhat ees how vee roll!
b) What’s a V-roll?
Yesterday’s Winner: “Now I know it’s really, really off!”
Fin.
– bob
Crack Addict
Hey Carvers!
In my little town, we have a little problem. You see, there used to be a tree in the middle of town—literally. You had to 
drive on one side of it or the other to get through (folks preferred that you stayed right to avoid the only marginally pleasant exchange of personal information—it’s a friendly town, but not that friendly). After a few hundred years of growth, the tree finally gave up and proceeded to die.
“Horror!” shouted the locals. “What shall we do!”
Well, I’ll tell you what they did. They carved a totem pole out of that great big pine tree, but they didn’t call it a totem pole. 
Nope. Religious connotations, they figured. They called it the Tree Monument. Why? Because it’s a tree, and it’s a monument to a tree. Tree Monument. Get it?
Fast forward to a week ago and imagine what happened to that great big pole. Woodpeckers, rot, cracks. Things that don’t really happen to proper totem poles carved out of proper totem pole-type trees, like cedars. Our little monument became a hazard and had to come down—today.
So what the heck. Here are some pictures of the pieces. The Chamber of Commerce is going to recreate the thing, hiring the 
original sculptor, in a fiberglass-like material. I propose a new name. Ready?
Tree Monument Monument.
Yeah, it really flows.
Your pal,
bob
Bzzz.
Would you rather…
invent a sensor to warn people when devices are turned off,
or
rig a buzzer to sound every time a butterfly flaps its wings in the Brazilian rainforest?
a) dark-emitting diode
b) Now we’ll be able to precisely anticipate the onset of chaos!
[ ],
– bob
That’s The Spirit!
Would you rather…
defy all odds to win your party’s primary even though your party hates you,
or
take time off from your money laundering trial to run for another term?
a) Joementum!
b) The Tack Hammer!
Go get ’em, tiger…
– bob
Wanted! – UPDATE
Fellow Vigilantes,
My dear friend in America’s Finest Just Okay Godawful Wretched, Bastard-Filled City tearfully called an hour ago reporting a break-in. In addition to making off with priceless family heirlooms, sentiment-filled items of jewelry, and a digital camera, the chicken little bandits will soon be identified by the most telling bits of their booty. They absconded with not only two manicure sets but also a bunch of bananas, which they snacked on while committing their heinous crime.
It’s up to you, brave and well-armed citizens, to be on the lookout for a well-groomed and beautifully appointed gang of metrosexual orangutans.
This post will self-destruct in five seconds. Good luck.
– bob
P.S. It’s all true, I’m just speculating on the primates.
UPDATE: Oh no! This just in—Another friend has crashed her car this morning in America’s Finest Most Dangerous City. Everyone’s okay, but the gecko’s not going to like it one bit. It must be Terror and Destruction week down there. (Good thing it’s nice and safe here…)
“That’s what I think is going to happen…”
Would you rather…
your world view center around Brett Favre,
or
believe that a statue of you can talk to statues of other people?
a) Now here’s a guy…
b) “I can’t wait for that conversation…”
“…and no one’s ever going to talk me out of that.”
Your pal,
bob
More!
Kids,
I just picked up the August edition of the Southwestern Edition of Sunset magazine. They say that each regional edition is tailored to the, um, region. I’m not sure if that’s true or not (except for the profile in my copy of San Pedro!) but they did have a story on the best places to purchase a vacation home. My little village didn’t get so much as a wink from the writers and I think I know why.
Oh, it’s salacious and unseemly, but every little hamlet featured in the story had also purchased ad space in the back of the rag. I’m not saying that the editors were unduly influenced or anything. No, not that. What I am saying (I think) is that perhaps the Idyllwild Chamber of Commerce might need to grease some palms if they’re going to get some positive ink in the mainstream press. For some people—not me of course, I’m pure as the driven snow—there’s no better incentive than incentives. Cash preferred. Long-term ad buys more so.
Those other joints weren’t so different from this burg. One was even a planned community in Idaho! Crap! I guess it’s because we don’t have a Starbucks. And never will.
Just another bad day for the Chamber, I guess. We could sure use the cash from the retirees up here though.
And that’s all from Idyllwild’s unofficial Labor Secretary! You’re welcome.
– bob
A Little Bit Jumbled And Jivey
Would you rather…
launch the North American tour of your Proto-Post-Music band at an appliance factory,
or
give your right pinkie for a lead role in “The Insider” on Broadway?
a) Thank you Whirlpool! Good night!
b) Mares eat oats with smoking goats…
Share with us a thrilling night of Bossa nova and Dixieland Jazz interpretations of the John Denver catalog, in German!
Heaven help us all.
– bob
They’re Just Too Cute To Be This Vindictive
Would you rather…
blame your second quarter loss on old people,
or
the lack of available ice during the heat wave on an embargo by baby harp seals?
A) Oh! That pension fund!
B) But what about my Frappachino?
Yesterday’s Winner: Raul
I knew I should’ve stayed off his lawn,
– bob