Category: Uncategorized

Clickety-Clack! Tippety-Type!

Would you rather…
cut and paste your new client into your last marketing campaign,
or
end every sentence with a sound effect?

a) Now powered by a hot and juicy Intel processor!
b) It was real windy, WHOOSH! Then my hat flies off, FLUTTER, FLUTTER, FLAP…

Yesterday’s Winner: My father can say big words, too; like Constantinople and Timbuktu

Now with 14% more torque,

bob

I Call This Meeting To Order!

Would you rather…
name your children after Dr. Seuss characters,
or
take over the duties of the late Dale Spickler?

a) Horton, Yertle…it’s time for dinner!
b) Idyllwild’s beloved Santa, President of Everything

Friday’s Winner: “The pump don’t work ‘cuz the vandals took the handle.”

Who?

Your pal bob, that’s who.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Okay, I’ve been away for a few days. I still have nice things on the ready, like photos from last week’s Idyllwild Fourth of July parade for instance. Too much for here though, so I’m going to punt you over to the .Mac site. There are five parts to the collection since the memory card filled up before the batteries crapped out (who knew!).

Linky:

Part one
Part two
Part three
Part four
Part five

It’s worth looking at all of them just for the general cuteness. If you need any help navigating just throw something down in the comments.

Your pal,

bob

What, You Wanted Pat Boone?

Would you rather…
the sitcom that is your life is taped before a live studio audience,
or
significant events are foretold by Bob Dylan songs?

a) It was the leather couch! Really!
b) The next sixty seconds could be like an eternity

Yesterday’s Winner: I don’t know!“..the plates rattle when the subs hit, but I have to give the car back to my mom….”

Everybody loves—you!

– bob

My Kidneys Hurt

Would you rather…
cross a sousaphone and a poodle,
or
fit 28-inch chrome spoke wheels on your stylin’ 1994 Corolla?

a) Polkadoodle
b) Donk!

Yesterday’s Winner: I don’t know! Aw c’mon, she’s been dubbed. Right?

A one, and a two,

– bob

Man, That’s Heavy

Would you rather…
have a three-second pause between what you say and what people hear,
or
fill your spice rack with preparations that impart meaning instead of flavor?

a) …reporting live from the Sea of Japan
b) Sea of Tranquility Salt

Friday’s Winner: Another low voter turnout induced tie.

Oh, I get it.

– bob

The Second Amendment Is A Little Vague On This

Would you rather…
make a fuse for a Titan II rocket out of dental floss and duct tape,
or
buy your “Safe ‘n Sane” fireworks at the Army Surplus store?

a) MacGyver was my hero!
b) Move a couple more feet back, the 500-pounder is next!

Yesterday’s Winner: Another tie.

Can I borrow your lighter?

– bob

P.S. The Question is taking Monday the 3rd and Tuesday the 4th off. Enjoy the holiday!

Bango!

Would you rather…
convince the world you’re enriching uranium,
or
stage a fake missile launch for spy satellites?

a) Aw, who’re we kidding? Just give us money.
b) Say Cheese!

Yesterday’s Winner: Tie!

Bingo!

– bob

Hey Sisyphus!

Would you rather…
not rest until you’ve put a deep thumbprint in all the foam on the shuttle’s solid rockets,
or
demonstrate The Twinkies Cookbook: An Inventive and Unexpected Recipe Collection from Hostess at Whole Foods Market?

a) “Ever since we hid the bubble wrap…”
b) Would you like to try “Pigs in a Twinkie”?

Yesterday: “All those deputies and no one can get near him?”

And though the holes were rather small…

– bob

Smelly!

Would you rather…
be known as the “Tick Whisperer”
or
the “Citronella Kid”?

a) “You got to control yerself ‘fore you kin control yer tick…”
b) “I dunno, he seemed much more attractive in the wanted poster.”

Yesterday’s Winner: During the drought of ’86, we were the only ones on our block who could still use the Slip ‘n Slide…

Shhhh!

– bob

Ha! New Things!

Dear Contestants,

As things kinda settle down around here (and elsewhere, more on that in a bit) we can actually get back to some of the fun stuff we used to do. You may have noticed the return of The Question. For the uninitiated, my Lovely Writing Partner and I started the thing while we were working at the 27th Largest Marketing Firm In The Known Universe (by billings, or whatever). I posted The Question here, she sent it out to a mailing list that got silly large for a while.

One of the fun things about it for us was that we asked people to vote on which option they would prefer of the two unchoosable choices we presented. The members of the mailing list had it easy though as they had simple voting buttons to click. Readers here had to send me an email response in the old days, submitting a comment later in this site’s evolution. As a rule, the commenters here had the edge because they could not only hold their noses and answer today’s question, but also had a forum for suggesting the next one. Maybe not a complete question, but a thought, a thread, something we could work with. Some of our favorite questions grew out of suggestions so we’d like to continue the tradition now that we’ve brought it back.

Once again, we’ll produce the thing week-daily and we look forward to your feedback. Give us a week or so to work out the kinks (we’re kinda rusty) until we really get back into the swing of things. Our hiatus was long and during that time we had hit what you might call a rough patch. Okay, really rough. Now that things appear to be sorted out, we can get back to some of the fun bits which for us are the luxury items that made us and our friends laugh (or gag).

Besides, the schedule keeps me honest! (like all those times you say “more later” and you don’t write anything for a week? – ed Erm, yeah, like those times. – Bob)

Your best pal in the whole wide world,

bob

P.S. Oh, more new additions at Jaunty Central coming up. I have to work out the bugs in the gizmos, but it’ll be BIG! (or fairly good sized, at least!)

Now With More Lichen!

Would you rather…
find new uses for the jelly on top of SPAM,
or
try to sell Naked Juice’s Black Machine?

a) Once the donuts are filled, see about that squeaky door.
b) The iron filings aid digestion…

Friday: Parent’s signature? Crap!

What’s that smell?

– bob

We’re Back!

Would you rather…
find out your 3rd grade teacher is your real mom,
or
discover that your OB/GYN is your real dad?

a) The best five years of my elementary school career
b) I’d like a second opinion

Ahh, memories…

– bob

The Fourth Of July Is On A Tuesday People!
– or –
Cherry! CHERRY! dumbbell.

Dear Patriots,

The Calendar Cabal has conspired to drive the tourist public away from my little mountain paradise this year. Tuesday! That’s perilously near the middle of the week and I fear that people will freak about how much time they’ll spend away from their tedious jobs and feel deep regret if they have too much fun. You guys need to lighten up!

Good, that’s out of the way.

This was going to be some sort of thrilling report from my orchard. The cherry tree was loaded with fruit and only required a little bit more time until we could pick a regular bounty. Sadly, the birds’ harvesting meters are calibrated at RIPE-minus-ONE so they swiped greenish fruit and left me with roughly two percent of what I thought I’d get. Two! The remaining ones were awfully good though. I may even get a couple more from the tree this season if the critters leave the last little bunch alone. Keep your stems crossed.

Changing the subject a little, it seems that my wishful thinking at tax time a few years ago is once again rearing its ugly head. Back when I was severely underemployed and (kinda) contracting for The 42nd Largest Marketing Firm In The Solar System (by billings) I placed a little too much faith in the tax software and underreported income by a bunch. The Feds have received their blood money but the state now wants their fair share. Yeah, it’s a lot and comes only a couple weeks after the county got their supplemental property tax payment.

It almost makes you want to vote for the Libertarians, doesn’t it? Or the anarchists! (that’s an oxymoron, ain’t it? – ed Well, yeah. – Bob)

More sooner.

Your pal,

bob

The Triumphant Return Of AMC!
– or –
The Wussification Of Jeep!
– or –
Deiter Does Dinkytown.

UPDATE!

Friends,

There’s been a lot of crying lately in the automotive press about Jeep’s new not-Jeeps. The Compass and the Patriot. Both are front wheel drive, east-west engined, lilly-livered cousins of the (oy!) “not cute” Dodge Caliber. They’re economy cars in Jeep’s clothing. What the haters seem to miss is that there’s precedent for screwing with the Jeep brand from none other than the American Motors Corporation themselves.

Turn back the clock to the late 70s and remember, if you dare, how Japanese small pickups were flooding the North American market. The majors were scared of losing sales in a market that they weren’t competing in (!) so the scramble was on. Ford bought a piece of then-struggling Mazda and engineered some beautiful badges to create the Courier. GM bought a piece of Isuzu, made some equally fine badges, in addition to a marketing campaign, and gave birth to the Chevy Light Utility Vehicle (a name only a corporation could LUV). Dodge freaked, came late to the party, and badged a Mitsubishi pickup as a natural extension to the Ram name. Yeah, everybody fell for that.

AMC, the last of the independents, struggled for an answer. Having just purchased Jeep from Kaiser, they were out of cash. They weren’t out of most of their ideas though. They had just run out of good ones.

The House Of Hornet embarked on a plan, much as Chrysler is today, to cash in (or out) on the Jeep brand. The geniuses of Kenosha just knew that they could slap a Jeep badge on any old piece of crap and it would sell. It didn’t have to sell a lot, but enough to keep them in the game. To the horror of the purists, they introduced the Hornet-based, pickup car better known as the Jeep Cowboy.

Back thirty years ago though, cooler heads prevailed and understood that the concept was, well, dumb. A Jeep based on a car? That’s the dumbest thing ever! The public won’t stand for it! There will be howls of outrage!

And so, quietly, AMC’s bad idea was killed.

Chrysler’s brand new bad idea lives though under the guise of “brand extension.” But let’s review: EVEN AMC THOUGHT MAKING A JEEP OUT OF A CAR WAS A BAD IDEA!

I’m sure it’ll be fine. They have huge cash reserves to squander on this adventure, right?

Your pal,

bob

UPDATE: Apparently, I missed a key part of the “why is Compass really such a bad idea” argument. I should have thought of this earlier: the damn thing is ugly. How ugly? Maybe this comparison will help…

Any questions?