Would you rather…
be a proud voter for Kinky
or
Cheek?
a) “Angels could do no more.”
b) “[he] has stated that he can not accept the position if elected…”
Or maybe just mild pique.
– bob
Will You Stand Up?
Would you rather…
vote
or
not vote?
a) Yes! I am a true patriot!
b) I hate representative government!
…or remain seated?
– bob
Australia Was Taken
Would you rather…
spend the last day of your campaign bringing up everything you left out until now,
or
make the District of Columbia a penal colony for sexual predators and white collar felons?
a) Um, health care?
b) You elect ’em, we lock ’em up!
…and some other cool stuff too.
– bob
Sammy Gets Oakland, Dave Gets Boulder
Would you rather…
convince Home Depot to join four-party non-proliferation talks with Lowe’s, Menards, and OSH,
or
arbitrate the Van Halen reunion tour?
a) The gruesome renovation videos are posted on the This Old House website.
b) Eddie’s willing to drop the bowing and scraping requirement.
An 82-volt cordless screwdriver is clearly something that must not get into the wrong hands.
– bob
He’ll Tax Beer And Give That Money To Illegal Aliens
Would you rather…
manually train TiVo’s new artificial intelligence software to delete every campaign ad,
or
frighten off the space alien invasion by showing them those ads?
a) He said, “Yo momma”!
b) Bad for America, bad for the solar system…
Why won’t my opponent just face the facts?
I dunno.
– bob
Nope, Haven’t Seen Him
Would you rather…
flub the lines in your speech, calling the guys with guns uneducated,
or
have your party lock you in a closet and throw away the key fearing you might speak?
a) Psst. Phil. That was the funny part.
b) Pierre Salinger on line two…
It’s just like them to call me on that!
– bob
Scantily Clad Teenagers Stranded Miles From Nowhere?
Would you rather…
tap The Cure to sing the theme to Sunday Night Football,
or
drive your Standard Time Solar Challenge electric car deep into the woods?
a) are you ready for some football? probably not. sorry. [sigh]
b) Look! A farm house! Maybe they can give us a jump!
How unlikely!
– bob
At Least They’re Not Hordes
Would you rather…
perform your job duties by absentee ballot,
or
by legions of minions?
a) Shall the receptionist be greeted with “hello” or “good morning.” Vote for one.
b) It’s the flogging that motivates them.
Chad, can you come to my office?
– bob
Boogie Cinderland
Would you rather…
restore moisture to your inflamed sinuses by dunking your head in the Salton Sea,
or
convert your auto detailing business into a dancing soot removal service?
a) Blug, blug, blug, tilapia, blug
b) Call me! The Freaking Ashwipe!
Now the insides of my eyes itch…
– bob
Better Late, or Never?
Would you rather…
hire mental patients as the spokespeople in your political ad,
or
make claims against your opponent so outrageous your ad can only run on YouTube?
a) Aw, they’re just faking it…
b) Call Senator Smith and tell her to stop eating the livers of neighborhood pets!
If my opponent thinks that the American people will stand for this…
– bob
Our Ankles Are A Little Swollen
Would you rather…
sell the George Foreman Combo Fry Master 3000 with stainless steel grease trap and blue LED status indicators on NASA TV,
or
embark on a twelve hour flight in your first trimester after the TSA has confiscated all of your snacks?
a) Tested at up to 7g !
b) If I don’t see a bag of peanuts on my tray in the next thirty seconds…
In space, no one can hear you ask for seconds.
– bob
Presto!
Would you rather…
have your dog suspended from Obedience School for Milk-Bone abuse,
or
attend the Kenny Rogers Institute of Disappearing Schmutz?
a) It’s not like he has them all the time…
b) Don’t take your grime to town.
He got them from his trainer!
– bob
Earl Grey, Hot
Would you rather…
turn on the heat in your house only when your spouse allows it,
or
base every decision on how you read tea leaves?
a) C’mon honey, you don’t need ALL of your toes…
b) Who needs GPS? I’ve got Darjeeling!
And you thought you were cheap.
– bob
They’re Crafty, And Light On Their Feet
Would you rather…
exercise the Peace Through Barking Doctrine to keep raccoons out of your yard,
or
for security purposes ask everyone to remove their shoes before the big tap dance recital?
a) Ask not who digs in your trashcans…
b) [ ], [ ], [ ]
I don’t want the coffee grounds and kitchen scraps to, you know, proliferate.
– bob
Geez, Lighten Up
Would you rather…
learn English from Nigerian spammers,
or
decry characterizations that you’re unstable by blowing something up?
a) Confirmation entrusting it gives.
b) How dare you call me crazy!
Okay, repeat after me…
– bob