Category: Uncategorized

It’s Not As Simple As A Rancid Fish Smell

Would you rather…
be the elephant repellant king,
or
the Mother Of All Raccoon Attractants?

a) Dung and pepper bombs for all my friends!
b) Lemme see your hands!

They flared their ears and trumpeted wildly,

– bob

Speed! and Genius! – Huh? Edition

Friends,

Let’s get one thing straight right now. Gatsos are bad. And by Gatso, I mean speed cameras. The silent revenue generators that sit and wait for you to pass by a tenth of a mile an hour over the posted speed limit and snap your picture. A news item last week quoted a happy engineer saying that the current red light cameras could very easily connect to the inductive loops in the roadbed that you pass over at the intersection and use their signals to calculate speed. Rush through that intersection to catch the green and you’re caught again. Lovely.

Red-yellow-green light cameras are coming to a cash strapped municipality near you. Won’t that be nice? Oh wait, I’m sorry. Your town has plenty of cash, doesn’t it?

Not to gloat, but my little town can barely afford the upkeep of its two stop signs (wear and tear, you know). The devil’s armpit called the Coachella Valley, however…

Genius!

Another in our recurring series on work. I had to redact the name of the software for CLM reasons, but here’s the entire content of the job ticket:

“Will not connect or access to [application] from computer D100A.”

It’s worthwhile to note here that we don’t have a computer called D100A.

Um, yeah. Happy Monday!

– bob

Olly Olly Oxen Free!

Hmmm. This is a little odd. My lovely writing partner doesn’t seem to be in the office this morning. It’s already 8:00, but no reply so far.

What that means for you is that I’m loathe to write a question that’ll stink more than usual (there’s actual editing going on, believe it or not). If a ping returns successfully, I’ll let you know.

Not fully worried yet…

– bob

UPDATE: She’s actually alive, just sleeping. At home. You know, some people get all the breaks.

Hot!

Dear Flatlanders,

It’s pretty early in my environs for full-blown Autumn, but here it is. The temperature dropped like a stone that was, er, dropped (after being first picked up). What happens in my little alpine chalet when it’s chilly outside? Light a fire! A big freakin’ fire, just to make sure that it catches, don’t you know.

The little iBook feels like it’s on fire too. There’s a claim that it has cooling fans, but I’ve never heard them run. Not once. Not ever. And the damn thing’s hotter than things that are already really quite warm.

The temperature readout on the thermostat is blinking ‘OL” which means either “over limit” or “out of luck.” I lost the manual, so I’m not really sure which.

Before I turned my little shabby chic shack (not really, but it’s fun to say, try it!) into a sauna, I actually did work on the fleet, cleaned up the garage, and conned my neighbor into taking my trash to the dump for me. Productive? You bet!

I also have a request if it’s not too much trouble. I’ve hit a wall in re-designing bobtherieau.com (don’t bother going there, nothing to see). Frankly, I just can’t decide what it should look like, so I could use your help. Have you seen a site lately that has navigation, or layout, or just a vibe that you like? Send me a link and tell me what you like about it. This doesn’t need to turn into an information design/usability study. Hopefully, you can send me to places that I don’t frequent so I can get some ideas.

So don’t send me to another pave the earth, club a baby harp seal, polishing Schwarzenegger’s jackboots site ‘cuz I’ve seen all of those. Okay? Great!

Your pal,

bob

Tidal Waves Too

Would you rather…
be unable to understand the President of Kazakhstan even after translation,
or
blame everything on Uzbekistan?

a) Huh?
b) Rio was taken.

Yesterday’s Winner: Preferred candidates? USPS workers.

I don’t get it.

– bob

We’re Doomed

Would you rather…
inoculate yourself against a poor world view,
or
get paid to participate in an investigational study into depressant medication?

a) Mean people? Aww, they’re just swell too.
b) It’ll never work.

Yesterday’s Winner: Haberdasher to Herring!

Have a nice day!

– bob

Equal Protection

This may be a little too meta, but it’s worth passing on. Go see Xeni Jardin’s post on the Zombie Rights March in Austin, then come back and help me understand why the pirates were protesting.

You’d think they’d be thrilled.

– bob

We Had A Problem With The Chin Straps

Would you rather…
design wigs for teacup dogs,
or
hats for fish?

a) It’s part of the Zsa Zsa line…
b) A sombrero? He’s like the Beta Bandito!

Friday’s Winner: If he keeps hitting those poles, we’ll run out of Purell.

Only FiFi’s stylist knows for sure,

– bob

I Waited Until Fall To Take My Summer Vacation

And why not? Prices are falling, especially for gas, and the road was beckoning. California’s Central Coast? That seemed doable in a couple of days. A fuller trip roundup will follow when I get home, but here’s something to keep you occupied for a while:

Yes, it’s “equivalent” to a Pontiac G6 or a Dodge Charger. Enterprise Rent-A-Car says so.

Let’s say just for fun that you have a winery.

Now let’s say that your winery needs a little something more than a tasting room. How about a freaking moat? And a 20,000 square foot banquet hall? And jousting. You’re looking at the construction phase of the new tasting room and banquet facility for Eagle’s Crest Winery. Jah help us all.

This fish is in the tiniest aquarium ever, and it just happens to be situated in Morro Bay. He was as interested in us as we were in him.

Here’s the famous Morro Rock. We think it’s actually round, and that there’s going to be hell to pay when it gets to whomever has to chip it out of this little water hazard.

By the way, garlic fries and car trips don’t go together very well at all. I’m leaning towards the Toxic Lemon Yellow scent.

More in two days,

– bob

Genius! – Dealing With The Public Edition

Friends,

In my capacity as Capacitor Monitor at the Charity’s Far Eastern Outpost, I rarely deal with the actual people the agency serves. In fact, the motto in my little department of one is “we don’t help people, we help the people who help people.” On rare occasions though, some interaction with the public is unavoidable. Here’s why:

I did have an exchange in one of the public areas in the building. Apparently, this guy—a real Okie from Muskogee—has some “?real documents from Houston about the JFK assassination.” He’?s looking to sell them, but needed some advice on places he should look to find out how much they’re worth. I was intrigued, as you might expect. “Really?”? I asked, “?from Houston?” “Yeah, I know they ain’?t from Dallas. They’d be worth more if they were from Dallas.”?

I see.

So, um, give this cat some positive seller feedback when you see his big pile of ratty documents on eBay, okay? Bless your little hearts.

– bob

Did I Leave The Iron On?

Would you rather…
compete in a Very Special Olympics for Agoraphobics,
or
the Agility Competition for Obsessive/Compulsives?

a) She’s gonna have to shut those blinds a little quicker if she hopes to medal, Phil.
b) 1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4.

Yesterday’s Winner: “Madre de diós!”

You remember what happened to the cat after last year’s javelin competition…

– bob

Genius! – Abbot & Costello Edition

Friends,

Full steam ahead then for our ongoing series called Genius!™

Here’s what I put to our software vendor in a nutshell. The original email question was “can you give us a quote on some new software?”

He replied that somebody else already pays for other different software, that we already have.

“That’s great, but what does the new software cost?” I shot back.

“It’s not part of the software you already have. Somebody else pays for that,” he replied.

“Then how do we get the software I’m asking you about?”

“Oh! That’s usually free.”

And that is, dear readers, Exhibit B in why I’m going insane. More tomorrow, in the next installment of Genius!™

Your pal,

– bob

Maybe It’s Your Aftershave

Would you rather…
in an election year stunt, sue the molecular bonds that attract carbon to oxygen atoms,
or
rail against your opponent, “El Diablo”?

a) The rising oceans! The warming temperatures! The dying polar bears! No tigers in fifty years!
b) The sulphur smell still lingers in this chamber. Can you smell it?

Yesterday’s Winner: “What’s the Bot to Euro exchange rate?”

…and I want the crusts removed from all sandwiches!

– bob

Genius!

Pals,

A little something from work today in an ongoing series I’m calling Genius!™

So I was in the break room having lunch and the L.A. news was on. The story (full of stock footage of a restaurant, then fields, then stock clerks throwing away spinach) gave us who might have just emerged from a hole a need-to-know update on E.coli. Then, they mentioned the inconvenience that restaurants were experiencing (no spinach salads! gasp!) and the creative ways they’re getting around these monumental problems. One solution was to substitute lettuce for spinach in salads (fascinating). Another establishment had substituted a broccoli dish for their spinach pie (innovative). A third is launching a civil lawsuit.

At this point, I’m laughing. But nobody else.

Too high and outside for the proletariat? You be the judge! More tales from the tech support monkey tomorrow in the next installment of Genius!™

Your bestest friend ever,

– bob

Shina, What?

Would you rather…
be the prime minister of Hungary,
or
Thailand?

a) Lies, damn lies, fibs, fabrications, untruths, tall tales!
b) Hmmm, London is nice.

Yesterday’s Winner: I can almost get up to top speed by the middle of the country, it takes the rest of the country to slow down again.

It was a motivational speech, stupid.

– bob